This One Thing Is Greatly Affecting Your Marriage – And You Might Not Even Realize It


Drawn from my archives

I went hunting for that familiar verse on the topic of nagging, you know the one, right? Well to my surprise there wasn’t one verse to be found.

There were five.

Can you believe it? I knew there were two–maybe three, but I was a little surprised when I realized that there were five of them found in the book of Proverbs. (Proverbs 19:13, 21:9, 21:19, 25:24, 27:15).

I’ve often wondered why this is directed to wives. Why not the guys? Don’t they start arguments too?

Following a hunch, I discovered an interesting statistic. On average women talk three times as much as men. In fact we speak about 13,000 more words than them each day. An average man will speak 7,000 words while his wife will speak 20,000.1

Keep in mind that this is merely an average statistic.  There’s always an exception. For example, I probably speak about 60,000 words/day and Michael speaks 10.

My friend and author Karen Ehman once wrote, “Yep, my hubby says [talking] was one of the first aspects he noticed of my personality. He loved the way I could work a room and talk to complete strangers making them feel welcome. Then, about 3 days into our honeymoon he had this thought: “Is she ever gonna shut up?”

In fact, Todd’s decided, if I go before him, what he is putting on my tombstone. A period. “She’s finally done talkin’”!!!!

When I get together with Karen and the other girls we don’t stop talking until we fall asleep and even then half of us are talking in our sleep.

Just to give you an idea of how many words that is, the average paperback book has 50,000 words in it. So if you’re an average talker, you’d be filling up half a book all on your own. Every day.

If you’ve ever read a powerful book, then you know the potential affect it could have on your life. Now imagine the affect you have on your husband’s life.

The question is are you using these words wisely? You can use your words to build him up and bring peace to your marriage, or you can use them to tear him down.

You’re speaking to him every day, every week, and every month of his life. You are the book he is reading. Each day is an opportunity for the next chapter to be more powerful and encouraging than the last.

A good book can inspire you and motivate you to grow. And if it’s a really good book you might not want to put it down. I don’t know about you, but I’d like to be that kind of book.

The Bible tells me a lot of things about speech, but a few that stand out to me are found in Colossians 4:6:

  • Let your speech be always with grace – Grace isn’t just a gift, it’s a free gift that we give. In other words, it’s not earned. It’s given freely and kindly. This is something we should always be doing, therefore it’s important that we’re making it a habit in our marriage, with our children, and with others outside of our home.
  • Seasoned with salt – There are a few ways that we can look at this as salt has many uses. One of the most common in ancient times was that it was used as a preservative. Therefore we can understand this scripture to mean that we preserve the truth of God at all times.
  • That ye may know how ye ought to answer every man – This is extremely important to me, especially since I’m a mother of growing children. I’m going to get tough questions–in fact I already have. I want to be ready to with answers that are based on God’s truth, not merely my assumption of His will.

Let us therefore follow after the things which make for peace, and things wherewith one may edify another. – Romans 14:19

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene Schacht
The Time-Warp Wife

1. Sorry to Interrupt Dear But Women Really Do Talk More Than Men, by Fiona MacRae Science Correspondent, Mail Online

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  • Twd

    women do talk more than men, but my husband talks more and talks nastier, with the intention of tearing me down so ill go away. So not all women fit this mold and not all men fit this mold either.

  • Deborah

    Oh Darlene–I want to be the book my husband doesn’t want to put down. Lovely comparison. Yes, I’m glad to get 10 words a day out of my husband–and I cherish them. I hope that he can cherish the words I speak to him as well.

  • Iv

    To be honest every wife, mother, daughter or woman for that matter wants to be that enriching book read by our husbands, children, siblings or those around us.
    Relations both personal or intimate and social are at times complicated to foster and nurture. Speaking from experience, I’ve been through two of the hardest years in my new marriage.however I’ve vowed to give it another shot and perhaps this time rounds things will work out.

    But I have a question, when things Seem sour and distasteful is silence always the answer considering if the other person might feel hurt? Or nagged?-so as not to be misunderstood or bring about bouts and arguments?
    Sometimes even in spoken kindness just seems to raise mountains out of mole hills…

    • Darlene Schacht

      I think that communication is always good. There are times when we repeat ourselves for the sake of frustration. But here’s the thing, even if we do communicate it doesn’t mean that things will change. That’s a sad fact. It’s can be a tough trial for some, but looking at the beatitudes in Matthew chapter 5 we see that God has many blessings in store for those who suffer hardship.

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