Although I am not a big television sitcom watcher, occasionally when I do catch an episode, I am horrified at the way the actresses who portray the wives speak to and about their on-screen husbands.
They nag. Belittle. Insult their intelligence. Or they joke with the kids about how incompetent they are. And usually they also call their men an assortment of derogatory nicknames of which “Stupid” and “Idiot” are among the most kind.
Other times, I find myself out and about doing life: In the grocery store line. In the dentist office waiting room. Parked in the baseball bleachers or even standing in the foyer at church. Or I might log onto my computer and decide to take a peek at what folks are saying on Facebook. It is there I also witness my fellow married females speak badly about or to their men.
Their husbands are pea-brains. Passive. Can’t make a decision. Or they are portrayed as unromantic. Forgetful. Less-than-stellar on the “Amazing Husband” scale.
Sometimes this husband-bashing is outright. Sometimes more subtle. The wives might seem intent to vent. At other times they appear to be half-joking.
Do you know how much I ABSOLUTELY HATE hearing this kind of talk coming from the mouths of wives, especially from those who claim the name of Christ? And do you know something else?
Sometimes {oh this is painful} I must honestly admit to you that……..
I. AM. THAT. WIFE.
Oh sisters, I can sling a hateful husband-bashing slur with the best of them. I can work my words into sentences that portray what a dum-dum my groom is. Or a poor manager of his time. Or a distracted dad. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah…..
And, when addressing him in person, I sometimes let the hateful words hurl. Or even just the cleverly cryptic phrases that tip him off as to how absolutely awful I think he is.
Now, I am in no way saying that any of us has a perfect husband. You know– one who has the brains and money of Bill Gates, the courage and quick-thinking of Jack Bauer from 24, the romantic singing voice of Michael Buble’, and–best of all–one who is the spiritual equivalent of Billy Graham. {Oh yeah. All neatly wrapped up in George Clooney’s body!}
OK. The George Clooney comment completely showed my age. Feel free to substitute the handsome movie star of your age group.
Yep. None of us has the perfect husband. They have flaws. Make bad decisions sometimes. They may indeed be passive, indecisive. Not the best parent every single day of the year.
Our men are downright imperfect.
Just. Like. Us.
However, where in the Bible does it state that we are to announce to the listening world–whether in person or online—just what we think about our husbands’ flaws, whether minor or massive?
Nowhere.
Instead we are told over and over again to let no unwholesome talk come out of our mouths. To utter words that are kind. Gentle. Respectful. Ones that build up and bless, rather than dismantle and discourage.
I have an idea: How about you and I pinky swear to stop with the hubby-bashing already. Instead, let’s use our words to speak respectfully to our husbands, rather than disrespectfully about them. Here are three phrases to verbalize to that man God gave you. They will show him a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
1. I am sorry I used my words as a weapon. Will you please forgive me?
Did you let loose on the hubster, chucking unkind words his way or slamming his ability or character? Did you do this to him in person or perhaps even in front of others? It is never to late to admit your fault and ask for forgiveness. And of course if others were in the audience for your uttering, contact them to apologize for disrespecting your husband in front of them. {I hope you have a hankering’ for a hearty slice of humble pie served with an a la mode’ scoop of AwKWarD. But take it from someone who has been there–and sometimes still is–there is no bitter aftertaste, only blessed relief.}
2. I trust your judgment.
Instead of always giving your husband orders (or even just your opinion) of how things should go down with the house, or the car, or the way the blasted toilet paper should be hung for crying out loud, simply tell him this, “I trust your judgment”. We only make more work for ourselves when we have to be the end-all (and know-it-all) for every decision. Of course I am not suggesting that you have no input or say on major life and parenting decisions, but sometimes just for kicks, step back so he can step up. Often husbands don’t step up because we wives are too busy hogging the decision-making spotlight.
And finally, let that man you fell crazy in love with once upon a time hear you say this……
3. You know one thing I appreciate about you? ________________________ {fill in the blank}
No matter the man–whether extremely godly or absolutely awful– you can find SOMETHING to praise him about. (Maybe many somethings!) Tell him. Does he do a great job keeping the car’s tank filled with gas? Is he a loyal son to his aging mom? A patient teacher of your kids when it comes to how to ride a bike or throw a knuckle ball? At the very least, does he go off to work each day without complaining to provide for the family?
Now all men won’t do all of the above but if you look intentionally, you can find something you appreciate about your husband’s personality or behavior.
Tell him. In a text. A voicemail. A handwritten note tucked in his lunchpail or left on the dash of his car. Or of course in person if you wish.
Will you join with me in the anti hubby-bashing movement? We’ll be living out loud the non-negotiable command to all Christians found in Ephesians 4:29:
“Do not use harmful words, but only helpful words, the kind that build up and provide what is needed, so that what you say will do good to those who hear you.”
Are you with me? If so, tell us one thing in the comments that you appreciate about your hubby. Then, strategically leave the page open on the computer so he can see you praise him before others. 🙂
Karen Ehman
Need more encouragement on this topic? Check out Karen’s latest book LET IT GO: How to Stop Running the Show & Start Walking in Faith. It will help you to know how to draw the line between manipulating your man and influencing your husband; to discover your roll as a praying parent, not a meddling mother. LET IT GO will equip you to control what you can, trust God with what you can’t and—most importantly—to decide which one is which.
Karen Ehman of Proverbs 31 Ministries is a national speaker, blogger, and the author of six books including the best-selling book and DVD Bible study LET. IT. GO. How to Stop Running the Show & Start Walking in Faith. She is an online devotion writer for Proverbs 31 who reaches over 700,000 women each month with her engaging, honest style and encouraging biblical insight. She has been a guest on national media outlets such as Focus on the Family, Moody Mid-day Connection, FamilyLife, and The 700 Club. Married to her college sweetheart Todd for over 25 years, together they are raising their three sometimes quarrelsome but mostly charming children ranging in age from teen to young adult. They make their home in the boondocks of central Michigan where she is crazy about antique hunting, herb gardening, and the Detroit Tiger baseball team. Her desire is to help women live their priorities and love their lives. Connect with her for real-life ideas and encouragement at www.karenehman.com.
He is faithful and hardworking. Pray for me, I am really struggling with this right now, not so much in public, but in my thought life.
Elizabeth, after struggling through my marriage and almost not making it twice, I have such a heart for marriage. Please know that I will be praying for you and yours. My advice to you would be to pray fervently to God that He would make you the wife He wants you to be to your husband. I am, in no way, implying that whatever is going on is your fault. I have just learned that when we focus on being the best that WE can be rather than on how the other person is hurting us, it changes our focus and our perspective. When I am struggling in the area of my thoughts, I pray this verse, “Let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my strength and my Redeemer.” ~Psalm 19:14 Please know that you are in my prayers.
This is a really good point! If we can be positive in our thought life, then it will be reflected in our body language AND out loud! I will pray for you and you can pray for me about this… 🙂
I started a woman’s study this summer that has changed my marriage. I recommend the book Fierce Women by Kymberly Wagner. Read the reviews and buy the book!
I appreciate that my husband has been faithful to me for 22 years. He always makes time to have fun and play with our children. I stand with you in this movement. Thank you for sharing this devotional because I needed the reminder.
This was a valentine I sent to my husband:
Thank you still for being giving, thoughtful, kind, generous, friendly, funny, charming, ambitious, wanting a good life, easy going, loving, affectionate, outgoing,being a great father and husband, spiritual, optimistic, and disciplined. YOU ARE A MASTERPIECE 🙂
I still feel the same way.:)
I always express to my kids, all boys, what an awesome dad they have and the privilege they of having a dad that’s a Man of God! I do this in front of him and also express how much I love their dad and how God has blessed me tremendously by putting him in our lives. When I do this and show him affection he blushes! But on the inside I can tell that he’s more confident about leading his family! He has the attitude of a fearless warrior! 🙂
I appreciate many things about my husband, but the thing I appreciate the most is he loves my daughter as his own, and has never once treated her as a step daughter. He supports her and loves her, and even celebrates her little quirks by teasing about them and then saying “just like her mother…” and kissing my head. They are our children, not “yours and mine.”
Your article hit me smack between the eyes! This is my biggest struggle.It depresses me and I have been to counseling over this. I will try to say encouraging things…when my head is full of wordless criticism…nothing here changes whether I complain or not. I want to tell him his good points but when I see the hoarding, the unfinished projects over which I can do nothing. ..I stay quiet.
My Hubby is a hard worker with a big heart!!!
I always manage to read articles that pertain to my what’s going on in my life currently. I was just asking Hubby to pray for me about not letting any unwholesome talk come out of my mouth and to be kind and loving with my words. I am all to familiar with hashing out horrid words and am now reminded of “there is LIFE AND DEATH in the power of our words”. Wow, my husband is such a wonderful Man who helps out so very much, cooks dinner, cleans (and heck I am a stay at home mom!) so I want to start showing Him more respect because I love Him and he deserves it and most importantly I know that is honoring God! Thank you for this article at the perfect time.
He is patient, hardworking, willing to keep us going when I am in a hard season. Loving, awesome daddy, smart. The list goes on.
My husband is wise in managing our finances and is a greater problem solver. He has faithfully provided for our family. It takes effort for me to stay focused on his strengths–I am with you in struggling against being critical.
He is so helpful around the house. It amazes me how much he does and NEVER complains about it. Also, he has the best sense of humor. Love him.
He is a hardworker at providing for are family 🙂
He is such a great model for our two sons! He is hardworking, faithful, loving and a man of God who leads our family well. Thank you for this post; I used to be that type of wife the first few years of our marriage, but thankfully he stuck with me! We are now both modeling a God-honoring marriage for our family and have just celebrated 12 years together!
Thanks so much for this article.
As a single girl, very little causes a cringe more than to hear sarcastic and controlling words from wives to husbands. Young maidens are listening, observing, and waiting for Godly examples to follow. Examples which will give us the courage to go against the tide. To find joy and beauty in submission. Thank you for this encouragement…God bless!
I totally agree! I have been married only a few months now, and all through our courtship and engagement (and even when I was single), I spent a lot of time observing married couples and their interactions. I was shocked at some of the ways in which wives spoke to their husbands (obviously in public too, since I was a witness). I vowed not to speak that way to my husband, but as a newlywed I’m often overwhelmed in thinking about what that actually looks like on a day to day basis. I’m thankful to have a few examples in my life, but I’m actively looking for guidance. This has been a big help — thank you!
My hubby faithfully gets up at 2am to go to work and then comes home and cares for our children while I work all without complaint. He is an amazing daddy to our three boys. I am blessed to be married to such a faithful man.
I love that my husband is so trustworthy, period. I can trust his word, I trust his faithfulness to our marriage, I trust his intentions and I trust his commitment to our family. He is a hard working, non-complaining provider for us and is someone I deeply admire, inspite of his imperfections and humanness. I’m a lucky woman and I know it!
My husband is very patient, kind and loving. I have had Lupus for 24 years and Fibromyalgia for 22. It is getting worse but he is so willing to help me with house, get me things when I am on couch and can’t move or when I need something. I Love you honey, and want to be a better wife.
I appreciate my husband for the little things he does to show his love for me. He is a strong and mechanically gifted man. I am guilty of not showing him appreciation. Thanks for todays’ post. I will join in the anti-husband bashing crusade.
I love my husband with all my heart… And I do not feel that I am a hubby basher. However, I am aware that I should praise him more and let him know just how much I love him every day with actions and not words alone. He knows I love him… He is a hard working… Loving husband and an amazing dad. I couldn’t ask for more. So my goal is to show more actions of love in just the little ways because I know that is his love language…
All these things are great…but when you have to deal with a disabled husband day in and day out who sometimes won’t do what he is suppose to do to be safe……you really want to look for the rolling pin! I am trying, but there are days………………………….I wish there was a website or book or something where those of us in this position could go and unburden and get cool refreshing water. I am not that old, but I am having to live the life of one, where we don’t go out, don’t go anywhere except the doctors, can’t go for walks, go the mall………….it is depressing.
I just had outpatient surgery and rather than letting my mom take me for the procedure, he took off and was soooo sweet and attentive…
His amazing ability to fix anything! The way he reads to our boys. Our horse and bike rides he takes with me and the many other adventures. 🙂
My husband is such a hard worker. I sometimes forget that alot of what he does is done to please me.
My husband goes to work and faithfully provides for our family of 5. We have a blended family and he provides for and loves my 2 daughters as if they’re his own. He is a wonderful father, husband and has much compassion for others. I need to return that same compassion instead of always being guarded with my feelings and affection. He deserves to be on the top of my list instead of the last one to receive my attention. God sent me the perfect man; thank you God!
He is full of grace, probably the most merciful person I know.
He is sincere and quick to say sorry.
Elizabeth – you are in my prayer pocket. I too am struggling with seeing my husband with the eyes of Christ …my thoughts start spinning on an ugly Ferris wheel . I tell myself “not one ugly word Nicole “… Then it stews. Next thing I know -“ugly words vomit”
If I put a tiny bit of thought into it, I can find a lot to respect about my husband and to praise him for. Just a few things:
1. He is SO in love with our young boys.
2. He is such a handyman, and I love that he can turn into Mr. Fix-it.
3. He is a hard worker – works hard at his business.
Thank you, God, for giving me this man! Please help me, and all wives, to live out your Word, and show our husbands respect, and love them the way they need to be respected and loved.
My husband helps so much with the housework that I sometimes feel guilty, but he does it as a way to show his love to me. I appreciate that SO much!
I am so thankful God gave me a husband who understands and cares about me. I have a chronic illness that leaves me very exhausted and sick. My husband offers words of encouragement and love to help me through the extremely difficult days. He always picks up the slack, everywhere; around the house, with the kids, yard work, and working many extra hours so I don’t have to work as much.
Thank you for all your encouragement!!! My husband Steven is not an angry man he is level headed easy going easy to talk to..he works hard to provide for his family and would do anything for them…he is also an awesome dad for our girls..I love him and appreciate him!!!! Thanks again time warp wife 🙂
I never had my eyes opened so wide as when I taught the class Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs for our church. I think it should be a required pre-marriage class and truthfully will benefit any person because the message is universal for relationships of any kind. You can buy the book, but the video series is AWESOME! Men are commanded to love their wives because it doesn’t come naturally and women are commanded to respect their husbands because it doesn’t come naturally. You must be intentional and remember Ephesians 4:29…Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.(NIV)
He is a ridiculously hard worker and truly works as if unto The Lord. Then always comes home with huge smiles and kisses for me and our children. Love that about him.
Please pray for me and my husband. We are struggling in our marriage right now. Why do I have to return ugly with ugly? He is……( to be continued)
My husband is kind, gentle, caring. He is a wonderful father and I am so blessed that he chose me as his bride!
My husband loves me unconditionally, all the time. That’s a big one! And he is completely devoted to our faith in Christ, our marriage, our children, our family life.
He is hard working. loves to play with the kids and really knows how to talk to them and correct them when they have made a bad choice. He is dedicated and patient with other people.
I love this Karen. I am with you. My husband has great discernment and he’s an awesome caretaker. I just shared this with him.
He is so string and faithful, has amazing and awe inspiring stamina for whatever life throws at him. Please pray for him that his eyes can see such wonderful qualities in himself and God’s work in his and our life!
I’ve noticed it too, and it breaks my heart to see men torn down rather than built up. Since we got married 6 years ago, I’ve always tried really hard to build him up, and to tell others how great he is. When I want to complain about him, I’ll privately only talk with my sister, who loves him no matter what, though I really do try to do even that less. I’ve also made a point of not talking about our marriage problems with anyone else, especially my Mom, because that would be inviting their involvement, and they don’t HAVE to love him; it could ruin their relationship.
My husband is a wonderful, loving man, who tries so hard to make me happy! 🙂
Thank you for this post, Karen. I loved your study Let It Go. I really didn’t think I was a controlling person, but I saw things differently after reading that book and doing that study. This post is so important because our words have so much power. I don’t know about all husbands out there, but I can quickly built up or tear down my husband with my words. My husband loves the Lord, he is patient, giving, and faithful. He is extremely loving and hard working. One thing I have learned in my 21 years of marriage is that I can pray about how I need to treat/feel about my husband and God really does soften my heart towards him. I praise God for that! Thanks, again, for the post, Karen. This is such an important topic in a world that has little respect for honoring our marriages.
He forgives me and hopes I will be better at letting GO! You see I’m an only child who took care of my parents & married him which is my first marriage at 55. So I was used to making decisions for myself & my parents. I’m trying to get better at asking or suggesting rather than telling him what to do. Thanks so much for today’s posting on the Time Warp Wife’s email distribution!
My husband is a patient, loving father and husband. He goes overboard in the helping and loving department , and I am truly blessed by God to have him.
His love for our family is unconditional! He came into a pre-made family with a lot going on & chose to stay when others would not have.
My husband is a great fixer upper. He always takes care of things I cant do like installing a clothes line or fixing the car. He doesnt complain about it either. But i often have thoughts similar to the things youve mentioned above…and out of the heart the mouth speaks. Thank you for this important reminder
I love that my husband works so hard for us and works overtime to pay the bills when life rears its little interruptions. I love that he’s such a great dad to our daughters. I need prayers too. When he gets stressed and starts yelling, I yell back and although I try not to say hurtful things, sometimes what I do say comes out the wrong way.
My husband is a loving man and an amazing father. He always thinks of me and our children first. He is very supportive of everything that I want to do and I can not think of a time when he was not there when I needed him. Oh and what a fantastic cook!
I was having a conversation with my 21 year old daughter the other day. She is not dating anyone and was talking about how difficult it is to be single when all of your friends are in relationships and/or getting engaged. She said, “Mom, I just refuse to settle! I want what you and dad have….that feeling that even after 28 years, and even when he gets on your nerves and drives you crazy, you still get chill bumps and a goofy smile on your face when you hear his truck drive up, because you are still THAT in love with him! I WANT THAT!” that made my heart smile
I’m thankful my husband has tried to make it work when we were in the darkest places. That he has stood bye in horrible circumstances. That together we are facing a future of disability and how humbling for me, a woman who can do it all, to rely on him to do up my bras and brush my hair. Next he’ll learn how to apply my make up, just kidding. I’m looking forward to having a more intimate marriage than ever with an incredible man.
My husband is a good man that goes to work faithfully. Even through the family curse of laziness. I need to respect him more and show him I appreciate him. Thank you for this site.
Yes, I’m in!
I absolutely love my husband.
He is sweet & caring.
He is humble.
He is self-disciplined.
He is very talented in languages.
He is intelligent.
He is extremely goodlooking.
He is my dream come true.
Pinky-swear.
Spot on and right on! Loved every word! Thank you!
I love that my husband does not cheat on me, has a job and comes straight home after work.
Thank you for your passion for marriage. I also share this passion and I believe there is hope for marriage today. I am so grateful for my husband. I don’t know much about his job because he doesn’t bring work home with him. He does his best at work and then comes home and gives me his best. I don’t know where I would be without his wonderful encouragement. I have never met anyone who wanted me to succeed as much as he does. I know his encouragement is honest and true because it is selfless. My husband is more than willing to give of himself to bring glory to God. He is a faithful man of God:) He is a theologian and he takes the time to answer my questions and talk with me about my concerns, which means the world to me. I could go on but words simply aren’t enough. I cannot thank God enough for blessing me with a husband I can rely on and trust with my life. I love him so much!
I actually wrote a post for my husband yesterday (he reads my blog). I so agree, it’s so easy to slip in to negative comments and I too can be that wife. I’m working on it and instead I try be grateful for the amazing man/husband/father that he is. He loves words of affirmation too, so I tell him/write him/text him regularly.
The more you do it, the more you will want to do it and the ‘negatives’ will fade.
Great post…Thank you. I do a lot of my talking under my breath and later have to ask God for forgives. And apologizing to my husband. I have a wonderful God loving husband…and not perfect but neither am I. We will be celebrating 30 years of marriage at the end of the month we have four great kids and four grand kids. Life has not always been easy but we have fought together through the bad appreciated the good…. I love him to the moon!
I need to be reminded of this daily. I have been very disrespectful to my husband lately, very hateful. My actions and words have not been kind but my husband has been patiently enduring my outbursts. I love that he makes me laugh and tries to help me not take everything so seriously. I don’t envy him that job!
I grew up in a home where my abusive mother was always putting my father down behind his back. I hated it. When I got married, I wanted to so much show my appreciation more. I have worked hard to not do anything that a man would see as being disrespected (as this can differ between the sexes.) I appreciate everything he does for me. I am his stay-at-home wife and mother to our three teenagers. He loves it that way and so do I. We’ve been married 20 years. I show love in the way he likes to be shown that he’s loved – one being a constant supply of chocolate in the house (the man can eat this stuff and not gain anything.) A man who feels respected and is respected in his home will feel insanely loved.
He loves me for my everything and he forgives me time and time again even when I can’t forgive myself for being a tad useless sometimes. He loves, embraces, accepts and wholeheartedly loves me.
My husband never has anything bad to say about anyone. He has been faithful to me for over 37 years and is completely trustworthy and loyal.
My husband loves the Lord. He is smart, hard-working, funny, generous, kind, and patient. And cute! He is a fantastic father and he loves our children like crazy. He tells each of us several times a day that he loves us. He is fiercely protective; anyone who messes with us is in serious trouble. 😀 Thank you for this encouraging post. You have really blessed a lot of families today.
My husband has never moaned one day about how hard he works for our family. He is so kind and is so faithful. I still get butterflies in my stomach when I hear him coming home after work. I love my husband so much.
My husband has been my faithful partner for 34 years. He is honest and loyal.
My husband is extremely thoughtful. He is always doing little and big things to make me happy or make my day a little easier!
I can’t right now. He is mean and angry all the time. I try not to complain or bash him to others but it happens when I feel no love. It makes me sad. I don’t know what to do
I was convicted by just the title of this article and while I honestly can’t think of one nice thing to say about my husband right now, I can at least try not say anything bad about him especially in front of my boys.
when we were first married, my husband and i decided to stop saving our best selves for others, for company, for public, for strangers. we started simply by working hard to use please and thank you with each other. in short order, this became effortless. today, we see the fruits of these and other efforts to be intentionally kind with each other; our boys are reflecting those words and attitudes back to us, each other, and others. such rewards are far greater than the effort we put in at the beginning. we are humbled at what an impact such a small thing has had.
My husband is truly my Prince Charming! He has faithfully showed me Christ-like love for over 23 years. He is the reason I am the person I am today, he is my inspiration and my greatest encourager! My husband is a true and amazing leader who knows how to make people feel important. He truly cares for others around him and is amazingly graciou! My husband is a hard worker, a great father, a great brother to his siblings, a great son to his parents and an absolutely tremendous husband! My husband is my soul-mate and I am so very blessed to be married to him!
My husband battles a lot of health issues and I love how strong he is in his fight every day. I also love that through it all he has drawn closer to the Lord!
I appreciate the way my husband provides for us and is willing to do whatever it takes to do so. I am a stay-at-home mom, and money gets tight. He works overtime, holidays, etc. He will do anything to provide for his family.
I respect my husband. I appreciate his loving guidance, his strength, his love for the Lord, and his constant choice to always do what is right.
My husband is faithful, diligent about the protection of his family, very hard working and has a huge heart. I struggle with allowing my jealousy for his time and attention to creep in and make me less appreciative of who he is. Proving how crafty the enemy is. Taking something good and twisting it to less than good.
Good reminder to stay prayed up and armored up.
Thanks so much for sharing these reminders. I’m going to apply them today!
Thank you for sharing these reminders. Often daily life takes over and we forget to tell the people we love how much we live them and why!
I am so glad that you didnt fall so deep that you didnt give me another chance to be the wife GOD called me to be. I love u, u are trying to trust in me to know i dont want to hurt you anymore.
When I tell my husband about the things I appreciated about him. when I thank him for the simplest thing he does for me. when I admire, and accept him. when I tell him that I trust his judgement. when I focus on my part as a wife and mother and allow him to focus on his responsibility as a father and husband and trust God. I feel contented. I find no space to complain, murmur etc I learn to do these things after reading a book known as Fascinating Womanhood by Helen Adelin and the surrendered wife. It really work. I have been married for nineteen years now. I know that both me and my husband is undergoing a transformation process by God Holy Spirit. We are both in a training school. Wives the reward is wonderful when you put these teaching into practice. My husband loves to come home because I try to make his home coming relaxing. I moved from nagging, complaining etc. I am not going back there with the help of God and by continue putting the teaching into practice.
ladies let me recommend a book to you. Fascinating Womanhood by Helen Adelin and the Surrendered wife