8 Tips to Help Him Hear Your Heart

Lisa Jacobson is away this week and therefore we don’t have our regular Wednesday contributor, but we do have a special guest! Her husband Matthew is here to share some encouragement on the topic of communication. It’s refreshing to get a man’s point of view every once in a while, isn’t it?!

No, I didn’t back down.

Not this time.

She was wrong about it. I just needed to keep explaining why until she understood. Except it didn’t work out like that. I thought I was adding clarity. So why wasn’t she nodding in thoughtful agreement? Instead, the temperature kept rising until Lisa yelled (spoke with a firm tone, she says) and said (yelled),

“I don’t care if I’m wrong. I just want to know that you care how I feel. I want to know that you are hearing me.”

Marriage communication – sometimes building a bridge to Mars seems less complicated. Why is that? Why do the simplest things become another opportunity for tension or disagreement?

Lisa will quickly tell you what makes the difference for her: Being listened to, having the sense that she is being heard. Can you identify with that? Do you want your husband to hear you when you have something on your mind?

Here are 8 Tips to Help Him Hear Your Heart:

Recognize Your Power. That’s right, you are a powerful person in the life of your husband. Many wives don’t feel powerful and therefore don’t recognize this reality but that is a major mistake. The Bible speaks of your power to influence your man without uttering a word.1 Peter 3:2 says that a wife’s godly character and lifestyle, along with deep respect, can move a man to a saving knowledge of Jesus. If your character and godly witness can do that, it can go a long way in gaining his ear.

Be Specific. Don’t barrage him with many concerns at the same time. The most difficult times I’ve had “hearing” Lisa is when there were 37 things she wanted to talk about all at the same time. We guys can get impatient if it seems like “everything’s” wrong. Spend some time deciding what are the most important things you want him to “hear” and stick to those.

Watch Your Tone (and countenance) because a soft answer turns away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. Prov 15:1. The way you speak to your husband is your responsibility. If he chooses to be unkind, you can still be holy in your response (not self-righteous, but holy).

Pick Your Time and Place. Be wise, thoughtful, and purposeful. Do you have something on your mind? So does he! Think through what headspace he is in. If he’s walking in the door from a day at work, count on there being better times to get him to sit down and focus on what is on your heart.

Express Your Genuine Gratitude First. Sure, your man slays dragons, leaps tall buildings, and does a lot of heavy lifting in life but for all that, he’s a person. People want to be appreciated. There’s nothing like genuine praise and thankfulness to open ears to hear what you have to say.

Be a Good Friend. Have you been your husband’s friend? True friendship speaks of loyalty, genuine interest, care for how he’s doing, etc. You see, the Bible says, faithful are the wounds of a friend Prov 27:6. If Lisa has something challenging to say (trust me, it happens) I can hear it because she has cultivated her friendship with me. I know her wounds are faithful – coming from a heart that is with me and for me.

Be a Generous Lover. Withholding intimacy is a powerful weapon that is used regularly in many Christian marriages in order to get what is wanted or as payback. Don’t ever do this. Why? Because using sex in this way is sinful and very destructive: 1 Corinthians 7:3-5

Ask God for His help. Too often we approach challenges in our own strength. Seek God – ask Him to help your husband to develop ears to hear you and ask Him to help you approach your man in a way that makes it easier for him to hear.

Change doesn’t often come overnight, but these few changes in your approach will help tremendously in your goal of being heard. Are some of you still feeling cynical that he’ll just never change and become a listener? Remember, you serve the God who made the stars. Shining light in dark places is His specialty. Do your part, walk in love, and trust Him.

Matthew Jacobson has been in the book publishing industry for 22 years and is currently the president of Loyal Arts Literary Agency. For the last 10 years, he’s served as a teaching elder in his local Church. Matt and his beautiful bride of 21 years, Lisa, raise their 8 children in the Pacific NW. You can join him at his blog by clicking here:
MatthewLJacobson.com or find Matthew on facebook.