I don’t know exactly when it started, I just remember feeling angry and frustrated with my husband – almost every single day – for weeks.
One evening after a pretty intense “discussion,” J.J. told me that no matter what he did or how hard he tried, it was never enough. He was right. I constantly found fault in him as a husband and as a dad.
But the fact that he implied I was impossible to please … well that sent my already-unreasonable emotions reeling. I grabbed my coat and stormed out the front door. Hot tears streaming down my cheeks, I replayed our conversation in my head.
Determined to figure out what his problem was and get Jesus to fix him, I started telling on J.J. – to God.
As I filed my complaints against my husband, I finally heard myself. All the ugliness that was in my heart. All the anger spewing out of my mouth.
That’s when I realized, I need help.
I needed God to show me what was going on. To help me figure out how, after seven years of a happy marriage, had we gotten to this ugly place?
Instead of just crying, I found myself crying out to God for help.
That night, when I stopped talking and started listening, I sensed God showing me I wanted J.J. to make up for what my dad had never been as a father to me and as a husband to my mom.
Years as a child in a broken home with a broken heart had led to a significant sense of loss and deep disappointment. Yet, I never grieved the happily-ever-after I longed for, but didn’t have.
Unfulfilled hopes became bitter expectations.
Trying to create my own version of “happily-ever-after,” I became controlling and critical. I thought if I could get J.J. to be the husband and dad I wanted him to be maybe my broken dreams could be put back together.
But I was wrong. Instead of expecting my husband to make up for my losses, I needed to cry out to God with my hurts and call on Him for help.
Are there hurts that hold you hostage? Expectations your husband may not ever be able to meet? Been trying to fix him or your marriage? Need some help today?
I know I do, and God is there. Waiting for us to cry out to Him. Not just once, expecting a quick answer. But each day, depending on His help on a regular basis.
As I processed what had happened in my childhood and how it affected my marriage, I learned to ask God for help through each step of my healing journey.
I asked Him to help me find the security I needed by letting Him be the father I longed for. I asked Him to help me grieve the loss of things I wanted from my dad that I would never have. I asked Him to help me forgive my father and release feelings of anger, abandonment and hurt. I asked Him to help me release my unrealistic expectations of my husband and let go of my right for a “happily-ever-after.”
It was a process that took time, prayer, and courage, but over time God helped me let go of my past and my pain, so I could take hold of His hope and healing for my marriage.
By the way, I’m crazy about my husband now. And so very thankful for the day I finally asked the Lord for help.
I’d love to ask God for help {on your behalf}. Slip me a note in the comments today, and let me know how I can pray for your marriage!
Holding onto Grace,
Renee
Renee and JJ have been married for over 20 years. They have two sons, Joshua {19} and Andrew {16} and a sweet Ethiopian princess, Aster {5} who their family adopted in 2009. Renee is an award-winning author of the best-seller, A Confident Heart: How To Stop Doubting Yourself and Living in the Security of God’s Promises. She’s also a national speaker, and radio co-host with Proverbs 31 Ministries where she serves as Executive Director of Radio & Social Media. Find out more about Renee and her family at www.ReneeSwope.com.
Please pray for my marriage. Sometimes it feels/seems like it cannot be fixed even though I know God can do anything. Please pray for me to be able to move beyond the hurt. Thank you.
I am praying for you and your marriage. I am believing that Jesus has a plan for you and that this will turn out for His glory and to bring you closer to Him, and your husband.
Praying for you and your marriage. ~Renee
Praying for you Su. For God’s healing and wholeness in your marriage, and for your hurting heart.
Hi. I just read this and I can understand this. But in a different way. I did not come from a broken home. I came from a wonderful loving Christian home. My parents loved each other more than words could say. And as I grew up my want in life was to have what they had. When I married my husband of now 32 years, he was not a Christian, I questioned God – Why him? But my love grew deeper and I knew God put him in my life. After we were married I received a visit one day from a pastors wife and his mother inviting us to church ( we had moved out of state and not yet found a church home), I felt drawn to these women. We visited there church and I knew that was where God wanted me to be. After attending for about 6 months I went forward during the invitation to move my membership. My husband followed and he accepted Christ that day. But things did not change for us. I still did not have the marriage my parents had. We fought alot. He cheated. I got pregnant and was thrilled that I was being trusted with a child. But I was still not completely happy. This went on for years, we fought, he cheated. We had our second child. Still not complete. We walked away from church for several years. Then we went back in 2006 and were welcomed back as though we had never left. I thought things would change, still something missing. I was trying to make my husband love me like my dad loved my mom – it was not happening. We were married 25 years and renewed our vows. I told my husband then – if you cheat again I will walk away for good. He promised me he would not. In 2007 my husband was asked to be a deacon, Wow. We prayed and prayed. He accepted that position. He then turned it all over to God and in 2008 was ordained a deacon in our little baptist church. We still have a few arguments but not like we did. He is showing me he loves me and I am complete now. I had to learn he was not my dad and I was not going to have the marriage my parents had, but with God as the center of our marriage and our life, we have grown. We do love each other and it is evident to other people that we have God in our marriage. So when I married a non Christian, God had a plan and a purpose for our lives. I trust his daily. Thank you for your story, it made me realize how real my story is. May God always bless you.
So grateful for the way God spoke to your heart through my story today. Praying for you and your marriage. ~Renee
This is what i needed to read this am. My husband & I have been going through alot in the past yr and i have tried to fix this myself. Realized I can’t do this alone & NEEDED GOD to help me/us. I pray and ask God to allow me to be the best wife to my husband i can today! It seems to have helped me alot. Change me, Father!!
Praying for you and your marriage Nicole!
Wow! Amazing how I read this today. I’m dealing with almost the exact situation you just recounted. After praying again last night, I realized my past (similar situation to yours) was affecting the way I was viewing my husband and family. So now, I’m in the process of praying for healing. Thanks for sharing your testimony. It’s encouraging to hear how you made it to the other side of that hurt 🙂 Blessings to you!
Thank you Rene for sharing, I have foud myself feeling frustrated lately wishing my husband could be more involved and then starts with the accusations. I have realised that sometimes my expectations are unrealistic but have not figured out what could created such expectations. I would definitely engage with God with my issues with my own father. He died when I was younger and have seen my om work too hard and I tend to feel like I dont want to feel like a single mother when I have a husband…. So I will cry out to God for help…
Praying for you Magdee. For your heart, and for healing and strength in your marriage.
Wow, Renee, it’s as if your words were written just for me. I love when God does that. I find myself criticizing my husband frequently and had always contributed it to growing up in a home where that was modeled for me every day by my mother. It does make a lot of sense that it’s connected to the lack of relationship with my earthly father. Oh how I would love to be free of the desire to control & criticize! The way you described your dad is so similar to my own experience. I’ve received godly wisdom from women in this area but never from someone that I felt could relate so perfectly…do you have an email address that I could contact you and perhaps converse a bit more? Thanks for this!
I love when God does that too. Im praying for you Rachael.
This was such a good thing to read. I wish I had this kind of wisdom a year ago. My husband and I had suffered through some cirsis’ in our families and drifted apart. I, too, began to take out my pain by blaming my husband for things that had nothing to do with him. And I got angry with God for all that was happening in our lives. I did not have the good sense that you did to go to the Lord and now my husband and I are separted. My husband, says he can never come back. But I know that is the hurt and anger talking. I did finally humble myself to God and He has filled me with peace and wisdom as well as the message that our marriage will be restored one day. I would ask that you pray for my husband’s heart to be softened and his eyes opened again to his faith. My grace is renwed each day and that sustains me- but I can always use prayers of support as well!
Thank you for this. I really needed it this morning. I’ve known how critical I am toward my husband for a while now and how controlling I can be. I thought it was getting better, but it keeps creeping back up to the surface. THIS is the part that got me…
” I sensed God showing me I wanted J.J. to make up for what my dad had never been as a father to me and as a husband to my mom.
Years as a child in a broken home with a broken heart had led to a significant sense of loss and deep disappointment. Yet, I never grieved the happily-ever-after I longed for, but didn’t have.
Unfulfilled hopes became bitter expectations.
Trying to create my own version of “happily-ever-after,” I became controlling and critical. I thought if I could get J.J. to be the husband and dad I wanted him to be maybe my broken dreams could be put back together.”
I really need God to show me if this is also my issues…I too come from a broken home with a father who was absent much of my life. I can see how I am doing this same thing to my husband.
*Lord, help me. Break my heart for my husband. Help me see my reasons for my need to control and criticize my husband. Show me what he needs from me to be what you have called him to be in our family. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.
What a beautiful prayer Jessica. Praying with and for you!
I need help! This is my story and it is amazing just how it is every detail of my life st this moment. PLEASE pray for my husband and I he is so distant its like we are at the end. He wants to separate for a while. Im just tired and he is tired. We fuss everyday I just want to love each other like we use to.
I hope you’ll share this post with him. And maybe it would open up a door of understanding and communication for you both… a time where you can ask for forgiveness from each other. Perhaps pray together. Im praying for you and your marriage tonight Tracey.
As I read your story the words “no matter what he did or how hard he tried, it was never enough. He was right. I constantly found fault in him as a husband and as a dad” hit me like a rock. Not for my marriage but our son and daughter in law are nearing the end of a very bitter divorce. These words are exactly what our son is saying she did to him. No matter what it was never enough and when he would try to help such as simple as bathe their son or read a bedtime story to him he was doing it wrong. He would vacuum and be so happy that he had helped her and then he would hear you missed something on the floor. Prayers are too late for this marriage but prayers are now needed for the daddy to try and have 50/50 parenting time with his son and this little 3 year old be able to spend time he needs with his daddy too.
I am thankful that you were able to save your marriage and hopefully someday our DIL will figure things out and be able to work her problems out. Our son is working hard on working out his problems but each day is a struggle which can be expected. Thanks to all and God bless.
Thank you for an awesome post.
Please pray that my husband and I would be able to work through our problems, and that God would intervene and carry us through our troubles. Pray that He would protect our marriage from all the recent and future attacks from the enemy, and that the broken trust would be restored between my husband and I. I know that God is good and has an awesome plan for my life, my family and my marriage. I pray that He would give me patience and complete trust in Him while I am in the waiting period.
“Unfulfilled hopes became bitter expectations.”
This line alone speaks volumes about my marriage. It is so very easy to put upon others our expectations for a better life. I am guilty of doing this to my husband but God has been so gracious as to reveal my sin and teach me His ways. I am recovering from my addiction to having a perfect guy!
Thanks very much for sharing your story.
I have looked forward to reading my daily Time Warp Wife and it has given me insight and guidance each time I read it.
Thank you!
Yes!! Please pray for my marriage!! Almost 19 years and he is still my best friend, but two kids, his busy career, ranching together with his family and just the daily grind, I feel like we are on survival mode! We tend to be short with one another, I also feel that we compare who does more and who is appreciated less. I would appreciate your prayers greatly! Thanks
Renee, thank you for this. I struggle with insecurity in my marriage. I always have. My prayer is to be transformed by the renewing of my mind. God please change the way I think! I want to be set free from my old emotional mindsets and habits….my automatic reactions and assumptions. My husband thinks I struggle with accepting love. I know I have fear of losing it.
I am experiencing the same exact feelings but almost the opposite reason. I had the absolute perfect dad and role model as a husband growing up and presently still. My father is a God filled man and incomparable father. The problem is I hold my husband to the same standard and its unfair. It causes an enormous amount of grief in our marriage because I cant understand why he is not like my dad or even attempt to be. We are both miserable in- spite of loving each other enormously. He feels he can never do anything right or good enough.
after being married for over 20 years my marriage is in trouble. I feel exactly like what you have written this morning. My husband is an alcoholic, he has turned from the Lord and I am feeling angry. Everytime I look at him it gets worse. Yesterday I sat down with a very Godly woman I work with in our Church and just spoke with her about what to do, bc I just came to the realization that either I had to kick him out or bring some kind of glory to God from my side. But I have no idea how. Then this came from Time Warp Wife in my email this morning. Man, does God know how to hand me an answer. Please pray that I will listen. I do more talking than listening. I do more listing of the faults and expecting change of him than of me. I do not listen or try to change myself. Our 2 beautiful daughters 19 and 16 need to see me go back to the 100% God seeking woman, not the 75% here, 100% there, 15% occasionally, woman they see now. I need to be the one to change to bring God the glory in this Marriage, and let His will and His plan play out what ever that may be. I am miserable because I have allowed myself to become that way. I feel like everything is collapsing around me because I am not asking for help. So please pray that I will ask for help. Something I have never done in my entire life. not even of my fellow sisters or christians. I am stubborn and want to do it myself. I need softness, tenderness, and willingness to know that it is not weakness to ask. Thank you for being God’s messenger today!
My wife Kay and I have been married for 27 and 1/2 years. I had been married before and after our marriage I had a reversal of my vasectomy. had promised Kay and son and we knew God was not a lair. After five years a doctor in formed us the reversal had not produced enough live seed. If we wanted a child we needed to look into adoption. I worked at a church and after returning to work I stopped a prayer worrier. As I told her what the doctor told us she said, Chip it only takes one not the 50,00 doctors say. That afternoon we sat on the side of our bed thanking God for that one live seed.
A few days later I began to seizure and really could never been told why. I later found out the first seizure accrued on August 16th, 1992.
Some time after this first seizure Kay came home from work informing me she was pregnant. In the years to follow God blessed Kay and I with a girl, son, daughter and than another daughter. Our first daughter Alyssa Faith was born on May 14th 1993. Just nine months after praying for that one live seed. Through all these years a continued to seizure many times.
On August 19th 2003 I was bringing our four miracle kids home and seizured. I drove two miles in this seizure. The car went through a pole, rolled and we landed in pine trees. Danielle and I were both life flighted. I had baptized Danielle just three months earlier. Danielle at age six was on fire for God. Our kids were 10, 8, 6 and 4. We lost5 Danielle that day. Though a friend shared with us later that they saw Danielle running into heaven jumping on Jesus lap. Later Jesus took her by the hand and saying I want you to start greeting the new arrivals.
I had no hospital insurance at the time of the accident. Life Flight, Ohio State University Hospital and ALL the doctors wrote our bills off completely. I Was placed on Medicaid in September after the accident. In early 2004 I said to God, What is going on, you blessed us with four kids and I began seizuring. My marriage now 17 year is falling apart. I heard God say, I am healing you from the top of your head to the bottom of your feet. At times I will use doctors. This started a miraculous journey. In May of 2005 after the testing needed Kay and I was told I was a candidate to have left temporal brain surgery. After finding this out I received a letter informing me I was being dropped from Medicaid the first of June. All the doctors worked together and I had my surgery May 26th 2005. I have now been seizure free for fourteen years. I have also had to go through many joint replacements.
Kay’s mom and dad divorces when she was only 6 months old. Her mom is very controlling and now since the accident she tends to run everything. After the surgery in May of 05 she began saying to me and I believe others I had Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). A few years a go I as she said, made her to go to counseling. After a few weeks this ended with little help. Kay is not close to a true faith talking believing women. Please pray that some how Kay begins to want to save our marriage. With some things happening most of the time I wonder if she has began a relationship with another man. Kay always only kisses me on the side of my face.
I know also in “04” I began saying God IS in Control and that He is even today. Thanks.
Please
Charles, I’m so sorry to read about Danielle. I pray that God will continue this healing in your life.
I absolutely loved this post…I can see myself in this writing. ..and Yes God is the only one who can fill out cups…Thank you for writing this. Prayers are always appreciated; )
Thank you for sharing. I have been so angry and lashing out at my husband and children and they don’t deserve it. Your story is so much like mine and I really needed to hear this today!
Ooh wow…
What a wake up call… This is the story of my life…
You seriously just told MY story to an exact
‘T’… My husband and I had that same fight last night…
Wow… Ouch… I needed this today… Well more like yesterday before my husband and I bumped heads (again)… But what an eye opener today!
Please pray for me… I need to move forward with God’s help too!
God Bless!
I have been together with my husband for 12 years and have 4 children and one on the way. I have been able to relate to this in so many ways. Although I know its not just me but im taking blame for my own doings. It’s too late for me because we are headed for divorce but I thank u for writing this because it could help so many other people before it gets too late.
I am not married– in fact I’m *totally* single at the moment lol. But it is a strong desire of my heart to marry a Godly man and have children someday– hopefully sooner rather than later lol. But this was still a really good post– with several points that resonated with me. My dad is a *great* dad and a godly man, but we’ve had a few rough patches lately as I become more of an adult and different expectations are placed on me and our opinions/convictions aren’t totally the same (although they pretty much are lol). But God’s really been working things out lately, but still, this post was an encouragement. 🙂 The principle of crying out to God still applies– married or not!
Thanks Renee! 😀
My husband, Jim, asks me to do things; but I NEVER get them right. He complains that the food is cold, not done on time, too hot, done too early, the house is never up to par for him – well, NOTHING is. When I do the wash, there’s ALWAYS something that was not how he ‘would have done it’; so I told him, “OK, you do it!” Yet it never gets done. This is our 5th anniversary; I got up made him bacon and he made me eggs (he knows that I like them runny, he hasn’t figured out that my eggs are to be placed in the frying pan after his over-medium eggs are pretty much done.) So much for my complaining; like you I love my husband with all my heart, yet he doesn”t realize that my life was going when I met him at age 48. It will continue until God asks us home. PLEASE pray for us………..
Thanks for being so open and sharing with your experiences and the way God can address them. This post sure hit close to home for me. My husband abandoned me after 20 years of marriage for a woman 15 years younger than I. I was devastated and damaged beyond belief. We both worked for the same company, so it was not just a personal nightmare, it seemed like I had to live it each day out in the open with the world watching……..needless to say, I wanted to rush right out and try to recreate, re establish a family dynamic. What a mess! Anyway, I am leaning on the Rose of Sharon, to fill my empty spaces with his healing light and love.
I have always had a poor self-image and I’m 52. My husband lied to me repeatedly a couple of years ago and finally confessed to his sin (not infidelity) but to know he lied to me over and over, it hurt my trust with him. I want God to give me that trust back and instead of self-image I want to have an awesome God-image of my self to be able to trust my husband. Thank you and God bless you.
Jenny
I loved this article. Recently, I found out my husband of 22 years had an affair that lasted for about 5 years and ended 4 years ago. I found out in a shocking way – I found a letter to her on his computer when I was converting files from MAC to PC for him. It was devastating but it made all those years I felt inadequate make sense. See your article is about how your husband couldn’t do anything right and for 22 years, I was on the receiving end of that sentiment. My hubby is repentant for his affair and determined to give me the unconditional love I have always given him. Yes, I forgave him before I ever confronted him with the knowledge. Our marriage is stronger than ever and I pray that I can continue to cry out to God instead of starting to find fault in my husband because in this case it would be very easy. Thank you for sharing your heart!
My husband and I just started marriage counseling after 5.5 years of marriage. Please pray that we reach a place that is happy and much more light hearted than where we are now. Our words to each other in the past have cut deep and have accumulated over many years. Thank you.
This really touched my heart today. I am walking a very similar path right now. My husband and I have been married 7-1/2 years (Since August 2006). We are just coming out of a very difficult, dark time and finding each other once again. We had gone through a great amount of hurt and a darkness so deep that neither of us knew if we would get through it, let alone get through it together. We have both changed paths and are now finding that we are coming back together and fighting on the same side. We still have along way to go and we both know that it is a constant work in progress. Putting my faith in God and turning my concerns, issues, hurt and pain towards Him, calling out to Him for help, has made a huge difference in me and our marriage. I have asked for God to fix ME, and for Him to transform MY heart and change my ways, for His will to be done in my life and for Him to show me how to be the wife He has called me to be. I pray that my husband and I continue to follow this path to become closer, stronger and to live out His will for our lives.
WOW! Thanks for your devotion today, you described me to a T!! I have been considering counseling and then I think, what would I say? How would I start? I realize that I’m controlling and angry but I wasn’t sure what I was angry about! Please pray for me and for me to make this transformation to looking to the Lord daily to meet my needs and to not expect my husband to be able to meet them all! Help me to honor and respect my husband the way he deserves! We have been married for 22 years and I must say it hasn’t been easy, but I do love him dearly!
Thanks for your blog and for being transparent with us! You are truly ministering to us via email! God bless you!
I, too, came to the exact realization! Only, for me, it was after my husband left, after he was tired of being treated as “not good enough”. God spoke to me and showed me that his leaving was my fault, and that my duty as a wife is to love and honor my husband as he is, and that only God can fill the voids of my past. Please pray that my husband (whom I adore and love and cherish) will return home and give our family another chance to find our own version of “happily ever after”, now that God has shown me the proper way to love, mirroring His love for the church!
Thank you for this. Coming out of a very difficult season in my 14 years of marriage… Still very difficult as I find healing individually from my own “unfulfilled hopes” and healing in our own marriage. Please pray for complete healing and restoration for our marriage and family- also please pray for me to be the wife my husband deserves and not make my unfulfilled hopes turn into “bitter expectations.” Thank you for allowing The Lord to speak to my heart today through your post.
Hello Renee I would appreciate your prayers on my behalf. My husband and I have been married for almost 13 years and throughout our entire marriage I have felt times of bitterness and a get but right now I can’t get over it. I feel hopeless and like when we end up emptinesters we won’t have much of a relationship. My birthday just passed and be life really did. Itching for me and my expectations for Mother’s Day are not much better. Thank you for reminding me to ask for help. Sometimes it’s easier to live in a state of anger than it is to deal with it.
I would love to you have you pray over me and my marriage. I am at a point where I hate how critical I am but can’t seem to stop the behavior. I pray to God all the time but maybe I’m not paying for the right things. I’m at point where I just don’t wanna try anymore, I have nothing left to give. I feel like I’ve given him my all and he had abused that gift and taken it for granted. My heart is broken.
Wow! I thought I was the only one! Renee, you are telling my story! I was 50 years old, and married 25 years, when I finally realized why I was so angry with my sweet husband! I, too, cried my complaints to God and then cried out to God to fix me. It’s taken 2 years, patience, growing up, and counseling, but now my husband and I are passionately in love and so very happy! I thank the Lord that my husband didn’t give up on me and my self-centered attitude! It’s truly amazing how childhood hurts and disappointments we didn’t even realize we had can sneak up on us in adulthood and sabotage our happiness! But God knows, and understands, and heals all hurts and disappointments! Thanks be to God!!
First pray that I can appreciate the things my husband does for our family. I have a hard time appreciating him at times because of past failures that affected out relationship. My husband has struggled his whole life with addiction and I codependency. Right now he is attending meetings almost every day but he says battling himself and his thoughts is the hardest thing to get through on the bad days. I love him so much and want to see him free of this bondage and I want to be able to trust my husband again and not feel the anxiety of daily anxiety wondering is this the day he will relapse. Thank you for your encouraging words! This article really spoke to me.
Please pray for my marriage. That I would let go of “the control” and allow God to do his work in my marriage and in my husband. That I would be more loving and also not expect that Happily ever after that I have always dreamed about. To put the fire in my marriage that has grown dim. That the hurt and anger from growing up would not be taken out on my husband. And finally that my husband would accept Jesus as his Lord and Savior and want to have a relationship with Him. Thank you for this article today! It really spoke to my heart. Many blessings to you.
Thank you for your post. My husband and I are struggling in our marriage and have been for the past three years since we said our “I do’s”!! We are currently living apart. I am sad because this is not how I imagined married life to be. But, I am using this time apart to really seek God and asking Him to show me areas in my life I need to work on and let Him work in me! Please pray that God continues to reveal any other areas that need His healing touch. Please pray reconciliation for us. Thank you so much! Blessings to you and your family!!
Hi Renee
So many thoughts and emotions reading today’s post. Your story is my story but in the short 3 years of my marriage so far that is all my husband and I have experienced. I have and still am going through that same healing process of allowing God to heal those broken parts in me that have caused me to be critical and entitled.
Unfortunately, my husband is no longer living at home. We are separated. I am struggling to stay hopeful and trust that God is doing a work in my husbands life even while he is gone. My heart breaks because while I know it’s not all my fault, I feel responsible for the hurt I have caused.
How can my marriage be healed after this?
I hear about all these stories of redemption but wonder if that can really be my story as well
Thank you
Having lived in a household with a mother who had 4 children with 4 different fathers, I determined early on that I would never be like my mother. Didn’t meet my father until I was over 30, and having lost my mother at age 10, I had serious abandonment issues. I have come to realize that I look to my husband for everything which has led to me having a lot of hurt feelings. Right now I’m standing on God’s promise for my marriage after he has committed adultery. So I ask that you pray that I will continue to keep my eyes on the Lord that He would be the one that fulfills every area of my need for love. Thanks for praying
This hit home for me today. I’m celebrating 12 years of marriage this weekend and this last year has been rough. I am very critical and mean lately. I’m very disappointed in my husband and I know that part of it comes from my feelings towards my Dad. I hope that with prayer and God’s help that I can become less critical and happier in my marriage. Thank you for writing your blog and helping others.
I cvontinue to need grace…to continue to learn to submit & have a submissive attitude. To grow in love for Christ AND for hubby 🙂 To never replace our love with outside hobbies (imbalance here!)
Here is a post I wrote on a similar topic–> “Messy Marriage”
http://www.parentingandhomeschoolinginfaith.com/2014/01/messy-marriage.html
Thanks Renee for sharing your heart with us 🙂
My husband and I just had my “father wound” flare up this past week. Through a snafu between a doctor and the health insurance company, through no fault of my own, I am being asked to pay $540 that all parties involved know I don’t owe. My father wound is the deeply imbedded message to me that the world is financially unfair and financial problems will pop out of no where and get me (Dad was a child of the Depression).
I am so grateful that both of us have identified our father wounds and when they flare, we can have compassion for the other. My husband just held me and assured me that I didn’t need to worry about it, we can pay it if we need to, and so on. It sounds like a small thing when I write it, but it really stressed me hard.
Thank you for sharing this. Please pray for my marriage to improve. Please pray that we can be friends again and love each other. My husband of 11 years and I are constantly arguing, for most of our marriage. We have put up barriers to protect ourselves from the hurt that we are constantly experiencing from the one person that we are supposed to be One with. I believe he does most of the nagging and complaining, and I just try to ignor what he is saying and wait for him to finish. Then we both are holding on to things. We have cried out to God together and separately, and we have temporary peace but then go back to old ways. On top of everything else with our marriage, I was recently diagnosed with Breast Cancer which metastasized to my lungs, and he was just informed that he has diabetes. We have a hard road ahead of us, we don’t know what God has planned for us, but we do know that he will be with us every step of the way holding our hand!! Thank you ahead of time for your prayers
I too struggle with finding fault with my husband. He goes out of his way to do something nice or help me and I almost always “correct” something. I never connected this controlling behaviour to my broken home life or the fact that I never met my biological father. Thank you for this post! I needed this.
Hi Renee,
Thank you for sharing.
I am have been trying to fix me and my husband for years. I came from a broken home, with an alcoholic, cheating Dad.Then an abusive step parent. And then a I was an abused wife in my first marriage. My husband has always had a strained relationship with his parents, and they have not spoken in13 years. My husband is never satisfied, and he gets frustrated and angry about work often.
He comes home complains, and I try to leave him be until he has had time to relax, and unwind.
I have been marry for 15 years have two kids, my husband left me on Valentines day, then he file for divorce, after he left my ucle directed me to pray and study the bible, i learned that i was selfish and self center, when i encounter jesus i called my husband and I apoligize but, he said he did not believe that people change, I see how wrong we were and we did not had god in our lifes I am very sad for my kids. My husband has become very wicked and evil he has a younger woman. I feel that if he encounters jesus in his life he will be diffent is as if his heart turn into stone. He lies and lies and blames me for our problems he never wanted to fix or working things out. I feel that the only thing i could do is pray and only a miracle can change his heart full on anger his love for money became greater then the one he had for our family. I know that he left for this woman and it brakes my heart that my marriage ended this way, He will never know that person i have become in christ. please pray for my family or send me inf. on scriptures that i could pray for my marriage our divorce is not over and only god knows the outcome.
This was really God hitting me on the head today. I’ve been struggling with some health issues and have gotten very frustrated with my husband for his lack of help. And when he does try to help with things around the house I’m constantly telling him how he’s done it wrong and adding more to the list. I’ve also struggled over our 27 years of marriage with trying to make him the “perfect husband”. I keep being reminded by God that I’m not the “perfect wife” either. Thanks so much for allowing God to speak through you today to touch so many of us who are continuing to struggle with this issue!
Please pray for my marriage. My husband has left and is living with another woman. We had both been married before and my last husband cheated on me and divorced me after 19 years and 5 children. The way he treated me devastated me. Through this post God has shown me that I placed responsibility for my happiness on may current husband because of what the previous one had done. My current husband is an alcoholic and not yet a believer. God has told me He will restore this marriage but please pray we will both learn how to make it work.
I have been married for 25 years and my husband and I have gotten to the point that we just can’t communicate any more. We have 3 children, two grown but one who is 11 who I want to see a good healthy relationship not what we have now. It feels like we hate each other. I keep praying that we can find the love that brought us together somehow, but it seems like we only see the negativity in each other. Can we ever get back to being in love again for that matter just liking each other would be nice. Please keep us in your prayers that we can find a way to love each other again. Thank you
My marriage can use your prayers. My husband has had a hard time holding onto a job, and it finally got to me the other day. To the point I even questioned God. I’m past that, but I’m still holding onto anger and frustration that I really need to let go. I feel like the blind man Christ healed, I’m blind and I need Him to help me see.
Please pray for my marriage too. Thank you.
please pray for my husband and I too. This hit so close to home for me, I need to give my issues to God and all my unforgiveness. Thank you
This really hit home. My father was and still is a verbally abusive man. I have been married 29 years to a wonderful man. But I still struggle with trying to fix the broken past and being angry, when really I need to pray and be thankful for what I have now. Thank you for this story about your life.
Thank you so much for sharing this story, and being so vulnerable and honest about marriage. I’ve been in a similar place in my marriage for the past few months, but fortunately also came to a place where I fell to my knees and realised that a) the issues are mine, not my husband’s, and b) only God can be my perfect friend, perfect helper, perfect hero – it’s unfair to place those expectations on my husband, especially in light of my “unperfectness”!!
I really want to thank all of the writers at Time Warp Wife for telling it like it is, warts and all, about married life – sometimes I need to read a post like that just to remind me it’s not just me who hasn’t got it alltogether!!
I’m not married, but I’ve been in a relationship with a man for the last four years. He’s my best friend. He knows more about me than my girl friends and family. I love him with all my heart and we’ve talked about marriage many times.
The thing that’s breaking my heart is for almost a year and a half, I fight with him constantly. Over stupid stuff. And the arguments last for hours. OVER NOTHING. Only because I don’t know how to let it go. And he’s been very sick as well and gotten worse and arguing with him doesn’t help. I DON’T want to argue but i don’t know how to stop it. I try and it just goes right back to fighting. I love this man with all my heart. He begs me over and over again to stop fighting with him and i don’t know what to do. I’m very vulnerable putting this on here out in the public. My heart is aching because I hate fighting. It’s what my parents always did and I swore I would never be my mother and here I am fighting with the man I care so deeply for and the one person that i DON’T want to argue with, is just constant. I say horrible things to him just to say it, even though I don’t mean it. I regret the fight the next day and I always pro mist to make things better. Things go well, and then something he says triggers something inside and instead of trying to talk to him about it, I get offended and defensive and mean.
I’m at my end. I don’t want to lose him. He is the best thing that has happened to me. When we are happy, we are amazing. But when I get stupid and he’s begging me to stop because he’s his sick and he can’t handle it, I get more aggressive. And I don’t want to…but I can’t stop.
I’ve prayed over and over and over to God. Crying out, calling out…asking for help. This man doesn’t deserve the anger I spew at him. He’s the sweetest man in the world.
I am a newly wed of 9 months. I love being married to the wonderful husband God has given me. I am having trouble, though, adjusting to the life of a pilot’s wife. When we got married, I moved to a remote location — 8 hours away from the nearest “major” centre and also 8 hours away from other family. My husband has been away a lot. I sometimes only see him 10-13 days a month. I am not used to living in a house alone and frequently wake up drenched in sweat, heart beating, thinking someone is breaking in. I think this is as a result of my friend being raped by a stranger who broke into her house while her husband was out, but her husband came home just in time to save her life. I quit my dream job to move here to support his dream of being a pilot. I loved to make that sacrifice for him and we really prayed and believed that it was what God wanted us to do. I think I would find it easier if I knew it was going to get better. If he gets a promotion, he will drop to the bottom of a seniority list again and I’ll see him even less. I am 30, so if we are going to have kids, we should think about it in the next few years. It’s terrifying to me to picture being a single mom for most of the month … especially since I’m away from family. When my husband is gone, he’s also away from being contacted. The other day, I ended up breaking off the key to our house in the lock, so I was stuck outside on a cold Canadian winter day. I couldn’t even get a hold of him for 14 hours. I just will feel really isolated raising kids with no help. My husband is really husband and compassionate and wants to be there for me. I think part of that fear was also that my dad was gone a lot when I was a kid and we don’t have a good relationship now because of it.
Anyways, I want to support my husband with his dreams. I just have this horrible feeling that these dreams won’t allow us to have a strong family. I am really trying to pray that I’ll trust God to lead my husband to lead our family. It’s just really hard to picture this being the rest of life. The vast majority of my memories this year as a newlywed have been without my wonderful husband, missing him. I am beginning to respond really emotionally and I want to respond well.
Thanks for your prayers. I know that it’s God that needs to build our family and I don’t want to insist on doing things “my way.”
I happened upon this post and saw where you would love to pray for our marriage. My husband and I are struggling deeply right now with past hurts and baggage. We both come from divorce and do not want that but his heart is out of the marriage. Please pray for softened hearts and renewed joy and love in our marriage. Thank you for this website and the prayers that are much needed.
My husband had been working out of town going on about 3 months now. I have seen him every 3 weeks for a couple day. I have been a horrible nagging wife. I am jealous and suspicious of everything he does. I know I am pushing him away and I don’t want to do that. I miss him terribly and he just don’t seem to want to help me through him being gone. I know I have to fix this and he can’t do it for me. I need help. I wake up saying that I won’t complain but I do it anyways. Please pray for me to get better at controlling my words. He is starting to treat me differently and not showing me any affection.
Hi! I related to your post completely and feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster headed to healing town. I’ve identified my demons and come to terms with the ugliness of bitter resentment, pain, hurt and expectations I’ve had of my marriage/relationship of 23 years. My husband has neglected me over the years and now as I go through this cleansing I am faced with even more opportunities for disappointment and resentment with his lack of unbothered, uninterested and unmoved attitude. I’ve shared with him what I am grieving and going through, apologized to him for hurting him and having expectations of him and he has said nothing to me. I need him to talk to me but all I get is avoidance or hurtful, insensitive, and demeaning remarks – he doesn’t see this nor apologizes. I’m trying to stay strong in The Lord. He has given me peace from my reactive emotions so I’m able to hold my tongue most of the time now. My husband is a Christian and father of two small children, so I struggle to understand why he is unmoved to pick up the pieces and work towards a healthy communication in our marriage. I fight thoughts of leaving all the time. Days like these I wonder if we can ever come out from this abyss we find ourselves in. We seem like different people, on the different paths. The thought of my children also growing up in a broken home is devastating to me. It’s also hard to keep hoping when I don’t see any awareness in my husband.
I can SO relate to this…however, in my marriage it is the other way around. My husband seems dissatisfied with anything I do or say, and sometimes I see the hate he feels for me in his eyes. I do everything I can possibly do to make him happy…we will be married 7 years this year…but I hit a brick wall most times. He can turn on a dime and be so loving…but in the next breath scream at me and go to bed. He stays there a lot! I could sure use your prayers…I have talked to God, because I love my husband dearly, but am still at a loss.
Renee,
As a ministry director to a group of women where we study material to become better wives and mothers, this short piece was a beautiful reminder that we need to not always be looking outward but inward. I shared this with the ladies and it was a loud trumpet call for many of them, including myself! Thank you.
This sounds just like me toward Lance, I prayed for a sober Lance I finally got him and now I complain all the time . He is tired of it hes starting to resent me . I got down at the altar last night and asked God to remove all this hurt and anger from me . Ive prayed all day for him to help me and I will continue to do so . I want to save this relationship ..
Deep thought! Thanks for cogrbitutinn.
نه جناب! شما باید نظریه‌پرداز می‌شدید با اون تز جالب‌تون اون بالا! “وقتی بی ØÂجاب و با ØÂجاب تو جامعه باشه و مردا عادت کنن…….”خیلی جالب بود جداً!ÙÂعلا شما برو اون پایین جواب سؤالای منو بده تا بعد راجع به دیکتاتوری و بیداری اسلامی و تونس و مصر و اینا با هم ØÂر٠بزنیم!