Day 11 – Just Ask Him!

There are definitely days when I feel the stress of family life. On those days my inner nature begins to take over and I want to be in charge. I have a need to control things to feel safe. That is fine when it comes to matters of the home. That is fine when it comes to areas that I have taken on to manage like finances or holiday festivities. That isn’t fine when it comes to things that he feels he should be in charge of.

For a long time I never considered what he might feel the need to be in charge over. Then it finally dawned on me to ask him.

What mattered most to him was that I allow him to take care of me. Not to take charge over me or be in control but simply to be responsible for my safety and well-being. He wanted to make me feel secure. Sweet, yeah? I had him further clarify what that meant to him and discovered that he wanted the freedom to buy me flowers without consulting about the budget. He wanted to pay in restaurants even though I usually hold the money–now I just slip it to him before it is time to pay. He wanted to be able to open doors, drive when we go places, and take me on dates, regularly. And the one thing that really got to him was that I would move the furniture around every three months or so without asking for help. He wanted to do it. He feared I would hurt myself.

That sounds so simple and it is. The hardest part was remembering to do these things. We even developed a code word so that if I forgot he could remind me. He doesn’t mind that I forget as long as I allow him to do it once I am reminded.

This one simple thing has made a world of difference in our marriage. He smiles and glows when he is doing something to take care of me. When he smiles and glows I feel secure and safe. I no longer feel the need for independence. That makes for a wonderful day in the life of our marriage.