Dear Darlene,

I’m getting married later this year to the love of my life and best friend. We started dating several years ago in high school, and after a few months together, we fell into the ways of our society and we had sex. We agreed before we first had sex, that we would live the rest of our lives together, and that we would be true to each other, not being interested in anyone else.

Today, I LOVE God, I praise Him, I fear Him, and I try to live in His Word daily. But one thing I know about being a woman of God is that we must be pure until marriage.

We’ve talked to our pastor and he is challenging us to be abstinent until our marriage night. This pulls at my heartstrings. I’ve been sleeping with this man for several years, and I look forward to our intimate moments together.

My fiancé is often gone for months due to work, and because of his absence we both want to be intimate when he comes home. He supports me as a homemaker. I stay at home daily, taking care of our animals and our house. I don’t have a job, and we don’t have the finances to have me or him live somewhere else until our wedding day.

I have read almost daily the same scriptures over and over, and each time I read them, it cuts deeper and deeper.

Do not merely listen to the word, and so
deceive yourselves. Do what it says.
Anyone who listens to the word but does
not do what it says is like someone who
looks at his face in a mirror and, after
looking at himself, goes away and
immediately forgets what he looks like.

But whoever looks intently into the
perfect law that gives freedom, and
continues in it—not forgetting what
they have heard, but doing it—they
will be blessed in what they do.
~ James 1:22-25

This says to me, don’t just read and listen to God’s word, but LIVE in His word daily. It’s telling me that I need to do what God directs us to do, which means to be abstinent until marriage.

But I’ve already sinned, I apologize daily, I even apologize to God after we are intimate, because I feel so guilty by not following God’s words.

How do we stop doing something that we’ve done for years, we enjoy, we look forward to, and something that feels right?

Friends and family tell me that God will decide for us, and make it an action. They believe that we are doing nothing wrong in God’s eyes because we are practically married, and because we have committed so many years of our lives to each other and look forward to spending eternity together. I know that once we are married, our intimacy level will change and we will have even more love for one another once we do consummate our marriage.

Whatever it is that you would like to say would be helpful. I’m just having a hard time making a decision on what the Christian thing to do is. Not until recently did I start feeling this way. Not until I’ve come to KNOW God, did these burdens push harder and harder. I feel like the Bible is telling us to be abstinent, but God is telling us that it is alright. I’m not sure how to distinguish what I’m feeling.

Thank you for reading, and I look forward to what you have to tell me.

God Bless,

Desiring Purity

Desiring Purity,

My heart goes out to you, because I know that you are in a tough place right now. You pull at MY heartstrings. But keep things in perspective and realize that things could be more difficult yet. There are women dealing with hard choices that will affect them the rest of their lives, but you are blessed with an end in sight–that’s a good thing.

Every day that you take up your cross and refuse to give in to your trial you are one day closer to living in freedom.

I understand the comforting words of friends who say, they believe that you are doing nothing wrong in God’s eyes because you are practically married, and because you have committed several years of your lives to each other. They care for you and want to offer you a sense of peace and happiness, so do I. I really do, but I also know that real peace only comes through obedience to the Word.

There are so many engaged couples who say, “We’re getting married anyway, so isn’t that the same thing?” To the world it probably is. In fact “life partners” are the accepted norm today. But unless we measure our life against the perfect plan laid out in scripture, we will never see our sin for what it is.

Consider the words of Jesus when He spoke to the woman at the well:

For thou hast had five husbands;
and he whom thou now hast is not thy
husband: in that saidst thou truly.
~ John 4:18


We are gifted with a pure conscience. That pure conscience is the very thing you are wrestling with. It needs to be protected and here’s why: choosing to ignore your conscience creates a lasting problem. There will always be something new. Every day brings new struggles, different challenges, and a new cross to bear. Realize what sin is and arm yourself against it so that you keep your conscience pure rather than, as the Bible puts it, searing it with a hot iron.

God’s commandments are in place to instruct us for our good. When we disobey, we are putting so much on the line, because when we go against the will of God we risk losing our joy and our peace.

I was in a dark place a few years ago and my joy was sucked dry. Looking back now I can finally say without a shadow of doubt that His wisdom exceeds mine. I didn’t want to believe it at the time, and so I went my own way and after it was all said and done I dealt with devastating consequences.

We choose to sin when we’re tempted, and say, “I’ll repent of it later.” But you have an opportunity to rise above that. You can make excuses, but if you’re not mastering sin, it is mastering you.

And the LORD said unto Cain, Why art
thou wroth? And why is thy countenance
fallen? If thou doest well, shalt thou
not be accepted? And if thou doest
not well, sin lieth at the door. And
unto thee shall be his desire, and
thou shalt rule over him.
~ Genesis 4:6-7


Cain got so caught up in his sin that it led to the death of his brother.

I want to close by saying this…

In John 8:11 Jesus spoke to a woman caught in adultery saying, “Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.”

That verse really speaks to me. I am a sinner, and because my sins are far worse than yours I can never cast a stone of condemnation in your direction. Regardless of the choices you make, I will love you–without condemnation.

But at the same time I say, “Go and sin no more.”

I pray that you will walk in the Grace of God. That you won’t let sin, condemnation, or shame stand between you and your relationship with Him.

I’m here for you as a sister–to listen, to pray, and to cheer you on in your walk with Christ. My hand is empty—I have no stone to throw. All I can offer is love.

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene

For comments or questions, contact me at:
darlene[at]darleneschacht.net

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