Listening to the popular media, you come away with the idea that there are about four good men left on planet earth.
It’s not true.
There are millions of Good Men – men who love their wives and kids; men who are faithful to their families and the God they serve; noble men who do an honest day’s work, year-in and year-out, and never say a word about it; men who set aside their interests and dreams to meet family needs and desires; men who more often than not choose for others before they choose for themselves.
Good Men. They’re everywhere. In fact, you’re probably married to one.
What good men want often gets lost in the cliché of the one thing men are interested in. There’s always a grain of truth in a cliché or a stereotype and, admittedly, with the subject of Christian men and sex (just like the general culture) there’s more than a grain of truth to the cliché.
But, we’re talking about good men, and sex is never enough for – and will never satisfy- a good man. He wants far more from his wife than that.
The point is not to diminish the importance of frequent sex in marriage.
Three weeks ago, a Christian brother approached me and said, I know porn is wrong but what’s a man to do when he’s neglected for so long? I did not validate his sin but I understand where he was coming from. So does the Apostle Paul. In 1 Corinthians 7, the Bible is crystal clear that husbands and wives should make love often to avoid temptation.
It goes both ways. We’re often surprised at how many women write to us, frustrated at being deprived by their husbands.
Husband or wife, if you are measuring out sex to your spouse with a teaspoon, you are sinning and you’re setting up your spouse for sin. Is that what you want – an unfaithful or frustrated spouse?
No, frequent sex isn’t some insignificant sideshow in the life of a good man but as important (and biblical!) as it is, it isn’t enough. He wants far more.
What does this guy want? What will it take to satisfy him?
A good man wants his wife’s heart. He wants relationship. He wants unity – not only of body but unity of spirit. He wants to be one with his wife and he wants her to desire to be one with him.
Every good man knows when his wife is merely fulfilling a duty and it’s very unsatisfying to him because he cares deeply how his wife feels and what she experiences at an emotional level.
Good men willingly receive from their wives but they are not mere takers. They want their wives to receive from them, too, and receiving involves not merely being present but desiring to be present.
There was a time in our marriage when exhaustion from having 6 kids under 9 years old, stress, and medical trauma had its way with Lisa. She was willing to fulfill her responsibilities to me but didn’t have much else to give. Desire to be with me lost out in the challenges we faced. Physically, everything was fine, but it was a source of constant concern for me. I didn’t want to be selfish – didn’t want to be a taker.
Maybe some reading this can identify with Lisa? Has life, stress, disappointments, challenges overtaken your desire to be one with your husband?
I didn’t just want my wife physically . . . I wanted her to want to be with me. I wanted to be one in a more complete sense. How did we move past this challenge? What did Lisa do? It was all very straightforward and simple. I didn’t know until later but, she had begun to pray, God, please fill me with desire for my husband.
I’m happy to report that God answers prayer!
Good men don’t want duty from their wives, they want heart, soul – connection at a spiritual level, because they care, they’re not mere takers.
Good men want what God wants: The two shall become one.
And that is why sex, alone, is never enough.
Will you give all of yourself, not merely fulfilling a duty on the physical side, to the good man you married? He desires to be one with you.
Matthew Jacobson has been in the book publishing industry for 22 years and is currently the president of Loyal Arts Literary Agency. For the last 10 years, he’s served as a teaching elder in his local Church. Matthew and his beautiful bride of 21 years, Lisa, raise their 8 children in the Pacific NW. You can join him at his blog by clicking here: MatthewLJacobson.com or find Matthew on facebook.