What A Good Man Wants

What a Good Man Wants

Listening to the popular media, you come away with the idea that there are about four good men left on planet earth.

It’s not true.

There are millions of Good Men – men who love their wives and kids; men who are faithful to their families and the God they serve; noble men who do an honest day’s work, year-in and year-out, and never say a word about it; men who set aside their interests and dreams to meet family needs and desires; men who more often than not choose for others before they choose for themselves.

Good Men. They’re everywhere. In fact, you’re probably married to one.

What good men want often gets lost in the cliché of the one thing men are interested in. There’s always a grain of truth in a cliché or a stereotype and, admittedly, with the subject of Christian men and sex (just like the general culture) there’s more than a grain of truth to the cliché.

But, we’re talking about good men, and sex is never enough for – and will never satisfy-  a good man. He wants far more from his wife than that.

The point is not to diminish the importance of frequent sex in marriage.

Three weeks ago, a Christian brother approached me and said, I know porn is wrong but what’s a man to do when he’s neglected for so long? I did not validate his sin but I understand where he was coming from. So does the Apostle Paul. In 1 Corinthians 7, the Bible is crystal clear that husbands and wives should make love often to avoid temptation.

It goes both ways. We’re often surprised at how many women write to us, frustrated at being deprived by their husbands.

Husband or wife, if you are measuring out sex to your spouse with a teaspoon, you are sinning and you’re setting up your spouse for sin. Is that what you want – an unfaithful or frustrated spouse?

No, frequent sex isn’t some insignificant sideshow in the life of a good man but as important (and biblical!) as it is, it isn’t enough. He wants far more.

What does this guy want? What will it take to satisfy him?

A good man wants his wife’s heart. He wants relationship. He wants unity – not only of body but unity of spirit. He wants to be one with his wife and he wants her to desire to be one with him.

Every good man knows when his wife is merely fulfilling a duty and it’s very unsatisfying to him because he cares deeply how his wife feels and what she experiences at an emotional level.

Good men willingly receive from their wives but they are not mere takers. They want their wives to receive from them, too, and receiving involves not merely being present but desiring to be present.

There was a time in our marriage when exhaustion from having 6 kids under 9 years old, stress, and medical trauma had its way with Lisa. She was willing to fulfill her responsibilities to me but didn’t have much else to give. Desire to be with me lost out in the challenges we faced. Physically, everything was fine, but it was a source of constant concern for me. I didn’t want to be selfish – didn’t want to be a taker.

Maybe some reading this can identify with Lisa? Has life, stress, disappointments, challenges overtaken your desire to be one with your husband?

I didn’t just want my wife physically . . . I wanted her to want to be with me. I wanted to be one in a more complete sense. How did we move past this challenge? What did Lisa do? It was all very straightforward and simple. I didn’t know until later but, she had begun to pray, God, please fill me with desire for my husband.

I’m happy to report that God answers prayer!

Good men don’t want duty from their wives, they want heart, soul – connection at a spiritual level, because they care, they’re not mere takers.

Good men want what God wants: The two shall become one.

And that is why sex, alone, is never enough.

Will you give all of yourself, not merely fulfilling a duty on the physical side, to the good man you married? He desires to be one with you.

~ Matthew

Matt and LisaMatthew Jacobson has been in the book publishing industry for 22 years and is currently the president of Loyal Arts Literary Agency. For the last 10 years, he’s served as a teaching elder in his local Church. Matthew and his beautiful bride of 21 years, Lisa, raise their 8 children in the Pacific NW. You can join him at his blog by clicking here: MatthewLJacobson.com or find Matthew on facebook.


100 Ways to Love eBooks Tiny*Check out our books –  100 Ways To Love Your Wife by Matthew L. Jacobson and 100 Ways to Love Your Husband by Lisa Jacobson.


  • Brenda

    Does anyone ever feel like this ‘frequent sex’ in marriage thing is slightly propaganda? What is frequent? It means something different to each person! In today’s sex drenched culture it seems like a very good way for Christian men to guilt their wives into catering to hyper sexual behavior. There is such a thing as self control and mastering the members of your body. People are overemphasizing one verse in I Cor. 7 when there’s really a much broader message when the entire chapter is taken as a whole. Read it to the end and chew on it for awhile.

    • Matthew Jacobson

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Brenda. If husbands attempt to “guilt their wives” (or vice versa) into anything, they are walking in sin and the message of this article is being ignored, not to mention the Scriptures. Loving couples will come to an understanding between themselves of what “frequent” means to them and apply the principle in a manner consistent with their own unique situation.

  • zooey

    I agree with all this but what do you do when your husband doesn’t see anything wrong with watching porn, flirting online and socializing with women? His justification for this is that he loves sex and women and doesn’t see it as a problem or that he doesn’t needs counseling. I found this out at a time when he professed to be a Christian. That was about 3 years ago. It’s worse now. Our sex life became non existent because he continued this behavior. He asked for a divorce about 2 monthsand is now in a relationship with a much younger woman. He blames me for the demise of our marriage. He points out that iwasn’t agood wife or mother. That he was agood provider for years and that iNEVER appreciated him. This on not true. He is angry and hurtful and bitter. What’s more heart breaking is that he has neglected his kids. Does pornography do this to families?

  • Heather @ My Overflowing Cup

    Thank you so much, Matthew, for writing and sharing this with us. I have been married for over 21 years and for some reason, I still need this reminder. It is very helpful as a wife to hear this perspective from a husband. We know this intellectually, but sometimes we need to be reminded to help our hearts to soften even more. It is so easy to get caught up in the daily tasks of caring for the children, the home, providing meals, and doing the laundry that we often forget that our husbands need a different type of care. They need us – intimately and present in more ways than just one. Thanks for the reminder!

  • Jen

    I appreciate what you said and it is good to hear a man’s point of view on the above subject. But what do you do when you have been married for 23 years and have, thought I had, given my all to my husband, my attention, my heart, my body, and slowly we drift apart as life seems to pull us away from each other. He has an affair and I catch him, he said it was not sexual/physical, he fell in lover with her because they had so much in common, spouses they both had issues with. I fought hard and still fighting for this marriage to work, he said he wants a friend, I thought I was at one time, his friend, but I never felt the same in return. Now a year and half later, it seems to be a constant struggle to get him to go on date night, that I initiate, or have sex or do anything with me, yet he says he loves me and wants to stay married. We were both raised Catholic and as years have passed he has harsh feelings for church or the people or the priests. I tell him we go for the sole purpose of going to God’s house to pray and ask for foregiveness and to teach are children what were taught about our faith, he doesn’t answer and we never seem to move forward. I pray and I pray, I must be praying the wrong way. I pray for him, I pray for us. He won’t talk to me, he says he’s married to me, we don’t need date night. I am desperate for help from a man’s perspective. What should I do, say or even think about of our marriage or how to continue to help it along. I have told him I can’t do it on my own, he has to want it to, but he sits on the couch and watches tv or he is on his cell phone. He has interest in everything else around him but me. Do I keep trying to get his attention?

    Desperate for advice!

  • Matthew Jacobson

    You’re right, you can’t do it on your own. The Bible says there is wisdom in many counselors. Reach out locally to an older couple who are mature, godly, and wise. Seek help locally and continue to pray that God will do whatever it takes to get the attention of your husband.

  • Laura

    I just don’t buy this “setting your spouse up for sin” crap. I am currently 5 months postpartum, and have very little desire for sex. Can my husband possibly be a good enough human being to control his animalistic manly desires until such time as my libido returns to “normal”? I believe he can and will. Sex is important. It is. And I want to want it. But my hormones are baby-driven right now, and that is NORMAL.

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