Marriage Prayers – Why Is it Hard to Apologize First?

Marriage Prayers – Why Is it Hard to Apologize First?

 

Let’s pray about reconciliation, forgiveness, and grace.

There’s a popular saying that goes like this…

The first to apologize is the bravest.
The first to forgive is the strongest.
The first to forget is the happiest.
– Unknown

I’ve always liked the saying, but after thinking about it today and jotting down some thoughts about forgiveness, reconciliation and grace, I got to like it even more. Let’s take a closer look:

The First to Apologize

It’s always easier to say, “I’m sorry too,” then it is to apologize first.

Why is that?

Because an apology takes courage. It’s like walking on stage in hopes that you’ll be well received. But there’s always that chance that you’ll bomb. There’s a fear that the audience won’t like what you have to say, and that the curtains will close in silence.

Then why is it worth it? Because there’s a bigger chance that this instrument of peace will bring healing to a hurting relationship.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. – Ephesians 4:31-32

The First to Forgive

I went to “Etymology Online” to look up the origin of the word forgiveness. I wanted to see how we define it today. In doing so I discovered this interpretation, “to give up our desire or power to punish.” I like the way that’s worded.

It’s different from the word “pardon” which is releasing someone from the penalty of sin. That’s reserved for God alone.

Forgiveness is a gift that you bring to your marriage over and over again. And the reason it’s such a precious gift is because it calls us to walk in sacrificial love.

The question is, are we more concerned about restoring unity when we have conflict, or exercising our right to be right?

When Michael and I were first married, I felt like I had to win every argument. I didn’t feel satisfied until I proved my point.  As I grew in wisdom and understanding, I realized that stepping down in humility is an act of strength.

There’s always an internal struggle that says, I’m right, therefore I want to prove myself right. But really, what we should be trying to prove in our marriage is that we love each other more than our pride.

Apologizing doesn’t mean that your point was invalid. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you condone someones sin. And reconciliation doesn’t mean that we can’t draw healthy boundaries. What it does mean is that we value our relationship more than our pride.

The First to Forget

Michael and I started off our marriage with a mutual agreement. We would never let the sun go down on our wrath.

Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: – Ephesians 4:26

In other words, we’d argue until the wee hours of the morning. Now don’t get me wrong. We didn’t fight every night or anything. In fact our first argument didn’t come until three years into our marriage. But once we started having children, and Michael took over the operations of our new company we were both exhausted. When two people are tired they tend to argue more often. When they argue more often–they get exhausted.

After a couple of years of this, Michael fell asleep. So there I was angry about the argument, and extra angry on top of that because he fell asleep. Our vow to never let the sun go down on our wrath was shattered.

As the years went by however, I began to look at that scripture in a different light. Comparing it to Psalms, I understood that this was far more about forgiveness than it was about fighting things out.

Stand in awe, and sin not: commune with your own heart upon your bed, and be still. Selah. Offer the sacrifices of righteousness, and put your trust in the Lord. – Psalm 4:4-5

It says, commune with your OWN heart, and be still. What that says to me is that we’re to reconcile our spirit so that we are equipped to reconcile with our husbands. Let go of your anger, let go of your hurt and let go of your pain as you put your trust in the Lord.

And let’s not forget to offer the “sacrifices of righteousness” which call us to lay down our pride and walk in humility.

We should always strive to reconcile things quickly, but let’s not forget that we must be willing to do the heart work it takes to get there.

If you’re following along with my book, Messy Beautiful Love, let’s dig into chapter two. It’s a good reminder to walk in compassion and grace.

Chime in: What has God been teaching you about marriage? We’d love to hear your thoughts. Click here to leave a comment.

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene Schacht
The Time-Warp Wife


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