Marriage Prayers – Why Is it Hard to Apologize First?
Let’s pray about reconciliation, forgiveness, and grace.
There’s a popular saying that goes like this…
The first to apologize is the bravest.
The first to forgive is the strongest.
The first to forget is the happiest.
– Unknown
I’ve always liked the saying, but after thinking about it today and jotting down some thoughts about forgiveness, reconciliation and grace, I got to like it even more. Let’s take a closer look:
The First to Apologize
It’s always easier to say, “I’m sorry too,” then it is to apologize first.
Why is that?
Because an apology takes courage. It’s like walking on stage in hopes that you’ll be well received. But there’s always that chance that you’ll bomb. There’s a fear that the audience won’t like what you have to say, and that the curtains will close in silence.
Then why is it worth it? Because there’s a bigger chance that this instrument of peace will bring healing to a hurting relationship.
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. – Ephesians 4:31-32
The First to Forgive
I went to “Etymology Online” to look up the origin of the word forgiveness. I wanted to see how we define it today. In doing so I discovered this interpretation, “to give up our desire or power to punish.” I like the way that’s worded.
It’s different from the word “pardon” which is releasing someone from the penalty of sin. That’s reserved for God alone.
Forgiveness is a gift that you bring to your marriage over and over again. And the reason it’s such a precious gift is because it calls us to walk in sacrificial love.
The question is, are we more concerned about restoring unity when we have conflict, or exercising our right to be right?
When Michael and I were first married, I felt like I had to win every argument. I didn’t feel satisfied until I proved my point. As I grew in wisdom and understanding, I realized that stepping down in humility is an act of strength.
There’s always an internal struggle that says, I’m right, therefore I want to prove myself right. But really, what we should be trying to prove in our marriage is that we love each other more than our pride.
Apologizing doesn’t mean that your point was invalid. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you condone someones sin. And reconciliation doesn’t mean that we can’t draw healthy boundaries. What it does mean is that we value our relationship more than our pride.
The First to Forget
Michael and I started off our marriage with a mutual agreement. We would never let the sun go down on our wrath.
Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: – Ephesians 4:26
In other words, we’d argue until the wee hours of the morning. Now don’t get me wrong. We didn’t fight every night or anything. In fact our first argument didn’t come until three years into our marriage. But once we started having children, and Michael took over the operations of our new company we were both exhausted. When two people are tired they tend to argue more often. When they argue more often–they get exhausted.
After a couple of years of this, Michael fell asleep. So there I was angry about the argument, and extra angry on top of that because he fell asleep. Our vow to never let the sun go down on our wrath was shattered.
As the years went by however, I began to look at that scripture in a different light. Comparing it to Psalms, I understood that this was far more about forgiveness than it was about fighting things out.
Stand in awe, and sin not: commune with your own heart upon your bed, and be still. Selah. Offer the sacrifices of righteousness, and put your trust in the Lord. – Psalm 4:4-5
It says, commune with your OWN heart, and be still. What that says to me is that we’re to reconcile our spirit so that we are equipped to reconcile with our husbands. Let go of your anger, let go of your hurt and let go of your pain as you put your trust in the Lord.
And let’s not forget to offer the “sacrifices of righteousness” which call us to lay down our pride and walk in humility.
We should always strive to reconcile things quickly, but let’s not forget that we must be willing to do the heart work it takes to get there.
If you’re following along with my book, Messy Beautiful Love, let’s dig into chapter two. It’s a good reminder to walk in compassion and grace.
Chime in: What has God been teaching you about marriage? We’d love to hear your thoughts. Click here to leave a comment.
You are loved by an almighty God,
Darlene Schacht
The Time-Warp Wife
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Wow! I love this one because i have had a very hard time in my marriage forgiving and forgetting things my husband had done to hurt me before we were married, but it has taken a toll on our marriage but after reading this challenge I see why my husband says “forgive and forget” and move on to the positive for the future.
Yes, it gives, “forgive and forget” a new meaning.
This is probably to most easy to understand teaching about forgiveness I’ve ever heard. 🙂
Awe, I’m glad to hear that.
Blessed morning Darlene and sisters in Christ praying for marriages-ours and others,
You are so right on this one!
Reconciliation is such a BIG part of two living as one! And oh do we ever need the GRACE!
Forgiveness is so special. I recently had read that quote also … and I like how you analyzed it, part by part. I tend to be one that “forgives” quickly on the surface … that’s the catch. Yet somehow that grievance goes into the recesses of my mind and heart (to be replayed or repeated as hurt). I learned early in my life that I must forgive (to be forgiven). I am the hardest on myself. For forgiveness, is just as much about releasing yourself as the other. It really is freeing. But if you just bury the hurt along with having said you forgive, it doesn’t take long to dig it up. The two biggest example of forgiveness for me
were not with my spouse, but with 2 very different circumstances of being raped and then a totally unrelated one with my own dad, who wrote that in his final letter to us when he died … he wrote to each of us, but to me, he wrote that he forgives me. A few years before that I had gone home from a Basic Life conference to ask my dad for his forgiveness, and at that time, it seemed like I had not gotten through to him or he ignored it, but the point is, he heard me, just did not respond with “I accept your forgiveness” appeal. Anyways, I did an interview on a Crisis Line tv show with a rapist, myself and the director of this phone prayer crisis intervention, who at the last minute had found out I had been raped and asked me to appear as the victim of rape (the original one could not make it-God ordained) rather than one of the counselors that takes the prayer calls. Not realizing that people from my church would ever see or be watching this, I assumed that role. And later, the most predominant comment from them was how they could visually see such a spirit of forgiveness over me. My spouse also notices my willingness to forgive and ask for forgiveness. With some, ya’ gotta ask because they find it hard to say I’m sorry or more importantly as you pointed out forgive … or apologize by admitting their part in the wrong doing. Often I find in marriages, both are at fault to some degree. However, reconciliation is a continual process, I think. And walking forward in God’s grace and forgetting the hurt does not always happen the moment you say you forgive, but over time … and actually you may not forget but see it in God’s light and from a heavenly perspective instead of an injured party one.
Whoa … that was way too much from me this early in the morning. I came here often on Day 2, reading through the comments, testimonies, and praying but as I got ready to comment on what I believed was a wonderful message, I had no words, I was dumbfounded and thought that I had nothing to add to the “unless God says so” that “it’s not over” because after being apart since 1996 … I’m a living proof that “it’s not over until God says so..” and I’m still waiting. So I pray … and add my AMEN to these beautiful prayers and words of wisdom that you share from your heart and experience. You are a God send! Your words bring forth God’s healing power through reconciliation or looking more closely at forgiveness. I’m so thankful how God forgives as far as the east is from the west, cuz when it comes to humans especially spouses/loved ones, they might get around to saying so but it’s the healing afterwards that matters… and the time it takes to forget is really left in God’s hands.
Praying for each one and together we stand and fight for our real marriages to endure. Thanks Darlene for the inspiration and obedience to follow God’s leading.
Love and blessings,
Peggy
Wow, Peggy. Thank you so much for sharing your heart with us and your encouragement. Stay strong girl. And thank you also for the prayers.
Like you, I always had to prove that I was right and win every argument. That and the attitude that accompanies it eroded our marriage. Since the Lord changed my heart and opened my eyes I no longer have the pressing need to always be right and have the last word. If I disagree with my husband but know that telling him that would just upset him, I give it over to God (albeit begrudgingly at times). He can turn the current and change a heart far better than I can!
Good thought Kim, thank you!
I didn’t receive the email today in my inbox and I am hoping that I wasn’t somehow unsubscribed! I am enjoying your posts and have read your whole book. : ) I appreciate you so much and thank God for you, Darlene! I’m going back through your book now, as we do this challenge, and I am praying, hoping, and dreaming about what lies ahead. I am also focused on the here and now. Joyce Meyer once said that “unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”. That statement is so strong! I don’t want to poison myself or others with unforgiveness! I am a person that is quick to forgive and that grace only comes from the love that God has poured into my heart. One one thing that helps me to forgive is knowing that I have been forgiven much through Jesus Christ. Since He forgave and still forgives me of my sins, I can also forgive others of their offenses against me. I am so grateful for His grace, His love, and His forgiveness.
It didn’t go out this morning, so I set it to go out at 2pm. Hope you got it!
Thanks! I did!
Thank you for this, Darlene. I needed to hear this message. My husband is usually the one to apologize first. I know that I need to examine my heart to see why I am usually not the one to say it first. This series has been a blessing to me already. Thanks, again!
I’m glad you’re enjoying it!
Thank you so much for this post- I really needed to hear this, I felt as if it was for me. I have been struggling with forgiveness and getting past angry hurts and leaving them behind. Sometimes the enemy seems to want to keep angry past hurts popping up into my thoughts to keep me from growing past them. Thank you and I pray for you for strength, fortitude and continued guidance in the job the Lord has given you !
I’m glad you liked it Kelly.
I’ve always apologized first. I’ve always taken the blame. I’ve always tried to make things easier for my husband. I’ve prayed and begged for God to make me good enough for my husband, to help me to change so I would be pleasing to God and my husband. I’ve prayed that God would turn my husbands heart to Him and that He would help my husband to love me and my kids. But it hasn’t helped. My husband has pursued porn and other women, having emotional and physical affairs. We’ve sought counseling, but he just doesn’t want to change.
It’s so hard to hear about restoration and reconciliation when only you have wanted that. I’ve prayed and honestly feel that God has given me a release from this marriage. But I’m inundated with calls from the Christian community that I must press forward, always forgiving and trying to make things OK with my husband. Always putting him and his needs first. But he continues to stab me in the heart with his lies and continued betrayals.
Is there ever a time when it is OK to step away to keep from being hurt over and over again? I’ve read every book, but Debi Pearls Created to be His Helpmate to Eggerichs Love and Respect and everything in between. Prayed for years and years. Sought Christian counsel. Begged him to go to Every Man’s Battle after the last affair. He went, had a small change for about a month. I don’t know what else I could possibly do. Any advice you can give me?
The way that I see it, if someone is unfaithful (having sexual affairs) and they’re not repenting, then staying there is enabling that behaviour. We can forgive someone, but that doesn’t mean that we should’t draw boundaries. I’m not a counsellor therefore I can only only offer my thoughts on that. A good counsellor would sit down with you, hear both sides and give you wisdom according to experience and in line with scripture.
I’ve learned that God never said it would be easy. I just never realized that sometimes it would be really, really hard!
Thank you Darlene for helping me to remember why I keep trying.
Thanks for your words of encouragement Nancy!
Oh wow! Your post has me in tears. It has been the one thing that God has been working on in my life, that I know I had sooo wrong – forgiving my husband for things he had done wrong, and forgetting them. I had the holy than thou attitude. It brought me NO peace. To forgive first, and forget first so much better.
Beautiful Ruth. I’m glad it blessed you.
I so agree with all you say here, but I hate the thought of anyone saying, “I’m sorry, too”. Mainly because when we apologize we need to look for our sinful thoughts and ways and name them. None of us want to accept our child’s saying “Sorry” when they don’t acknowledge what they are sorry for. (Assuming a certain age/maturity has been reached to discuss such ideas, though that age is probably younger than you think if you are training in righteousness.)
If I don’t name the specifics; ie: angry words, disrespectful attitude, selfish focus, lack of humility, then how will my hearer know what I am sorry for, and for what to forgive me. If I only say, “I’m sorry , too” or just “Sorry”, we leave our hearer to assume they know what we are apologizing for, and we may not have even understood yet the issue that they find so offensive. Especially when between husbands and wives, since our roles are different, the nuance of the sinful attitude expressed may need to be personalize, rather than the generic, “Me too.”
Great thought Anne. Thank you!
Hi, I’ve only been married for about four months. This is my second marriage and I didn’t want the divorce after 34 yrs. of marriage, and am still hurt by the way it ended. I seem to over react when my new man criticizes me!! Then, I eventually have to apologize because I don’t like stress or strife. I pray the Lord will change my heart and help me to apologize sooner each time. Thanks for listening!!
God hears your prayers Rebecca. Don’t give up.
In my marriage I am the one that is not content with the way things are. I have read many books, tried to change myself ( and him) but it never works and I get frustrated and go back to the person I have been. I am beginning to realize that I have to accept things the way the are even though my marriage is not how I want it to be. It is either that or I will NEVER be happy or at peace. After over 10 years of marriage I need to accept how things are and ask the Lord to feel the void in me. I think that is probably been my biggest problem. I have looked to my husband to fill that void and he can’t. Living in a foreign country with no family and a lot of times being extremely lonely caused me to turn to him to be all for me. For the good of my family it has to change but honestly I do not know how.
Wow, I just read chapter 2 of you book twice and then I could not stop and read chapter 3. I think I had an aha moment. That is it that is why our marriage has never worked because we are both coming from a completely selfish place, looking out for ourselves. I know it is not my place to change my husband and that is in the Lord’s hands BUT I have to do my part without expecting rewards, as if it is for the Lord!!
Jennifer, I’m so blessed by your comment. Thanks for the feedback!
have been raised in a single parent family (my mother) and I was taught to be I dependent,straightforward etc etc. So I went into marriage with the same ideology. it strained our marriage. So I am learning to be submissive to my husband and recently God is teaching me about the power of the words we say especially to our spouses. they even come with dark spirits if its a negative word. I had said something to my husband that was negative it caused us so much hurt and pain for weeks. Also if I want to enjoy my marriage I have got to put my husband before myself. I should not try to change him. this is one of the mistake that we wives make. I should accept him n if I see something that not right tell him in politely n take it to the cross. I have got a long way to go but with this month’s prayer challenge I will get there.
I have learned that since we are from different background and with different upbringing, we will surely have different behaviours but with our digging together in the word of God, we will be able to reconcile our differences God’s way.
Amen!
I just apologized. He said, Thank you.”
Aww, I’m warmed by your humility Anne.
Wow, feeling a little more than convicted. I’m still in the “I want to prove I’m right camp”. I know its wrong and even childish, but yet the longer we’re married (its been 24 years) the harder its becoming to apologize first. But I do love my husband more than my pride and when we argue next, it will be my honor to apologize first. Thank you!
My husband never apologizes. Never and for nithing. Even if he accidentally shoves me or if he steps on my foot. You know things where it’s the “normal” reaction to apologize. But if I dont apologize for not finding his keys or for leaving a light on in the house, it’s the end of the world. Ugh………… idk what’s going on. Im reading your book and im taking everything to heart but honestly sometimes it’s to painful to read.
It’s difficult not to read a chapter and wonder why your marriage is so bad when you practice this already.
Debi, I’m so sorry to read this. My heart goes out to you. I’m reminded of Adam and Eve in the garden. God was the perfect friend and companion. They had everything they needed, and still they sinned against Him. Sometimes it’s not as much about us as it is about praying for a heart change. But it’s always important to remember that regardless of how people treat us we should continually shape our lives after God’s image.
hello there! I just placed my order in Amazon for this book. My 2 year marriage has ended and my husband and I have a 16 month daughter. I pray to God and I have faith he will one day come back but there are several times I find myself giving up. After 4 months being separated with no type of communication we finally spoke 2 days ago. Unfortunately he confessed there is someone else in his life. I’m really looking forward to put practice in this challenge and grow my faith bigger and stronger because I know my Lord will restore my marriage one day.
Enma, I’m so sorry to read this. I pray that God will bring you wisdom, healing, and restoration.
Ciertamente cada dÃa has consolidado más las recetas de masas y los dulces, con resultados de pr.fosionaleEsta propuesta es toda una delicia.Un abrazo.
This video is great but if you can add some more points like text explanation and could use different style of presentation would be better impact
Lähetystyö sanan käyttö häikäilemätöntä sumutusta ja yritys manipuloida suurta yleisöä ja mediaa?Käsitteestä lähetystyö voi toki keskustella, mutta tuo nyt on taas näitä suomi24/hakomaja -tyylisiä älyttömiä yliampumisia.Kaikelta kritiikiltä menee pohja, jos ei ole ilmaisuissa mitään suhteellisuuden tajua.mzon