It’s been a while, hasn’t it? This morning I wasn’t sure if or when I’d be back here again, because, if I’m honest with you, I found myself completely burnt out this past year. It’s been a steady and sometime overwhelming pace, but even moreso the past five years.

After typing the last sentence of “In My Father’s House.” I closed my computer and cried like a baby. I had nothing left in me to give. I just needed to turn off the noise. Writing online and managing the various channels means I have to be online every day and social media can be overwhelming sometime.

I had a craving for nature this year unlike anything I’ve ever expecienced before. I just want to sit on a dock someplace and listen to the sound of the waves. I haven’t been able to do that, but I have been able to sit on my deck and watch the sun go down and that’s been incredibly beautiful too.

Michael has asked me here and there when I’ll be writing again, and I’ve told him that I’m really not sure. I need more time–I know that for sure. But how much? I don’t know.

I certainly didn’t think it would be tonight, but isn’t that the way life is? We think we know what our next step will be, but God has a way of redirecting our path.

In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps. – Proverbs 16:9, NIV

So, how did I land up here, tonight?

I got an email about a book I wrote 14 years ago called Messy Beautiful Love. Someone wrote me an email today asking if I had the study guide for that book, and so I dug into the archives to look for it. Unfortunately I couldn’t find it, but I found something else… Something I desperately needed to see.

Now before I tell you what I found, let me give you a little bit of a back story… My mom passed away about 8 years ago, but unlike my dad her passing wasn’t a pleasant experience.

The entire last year of her life was difficult. She was difficult. So much so that they had to eventually sedate her. The verbal abuse was horrific at times not to mention everything else that went on.

When she finally passed I wasn’t sure what I was feeling exactly. More often than not, the bad overshadowed the good. I tried to remember a single time when she asked how I was, or what I was doing. A day when she was invested in my life or proud of something I did. But as much as I tried to remember the good, I struggled to find it.

Fast forward to this evening. As I was digging through the archives looking for that old study guide, I discovered these words I wrote 4 years before my mother passed away:

This book made my mom cry. You might not think that’s a big deal, but trust me–it is. *smile* The odd thing is that I was iffy about giving her an advance copy. Having strangers read my story is one thing, but family? These are the people I interact with and the people I see every day. Frankly, I wasn’t sure if I was ready to put myself out there.

One night around 11:30 pm, my mother called me in tears. She had just started reading Messy Beautiful Love and once the tears started flowing, they wouldn’t stop.

“Hold on,” I told her, “I’ll be right there.”

I rushed over to her house and within 20 minutes we were lying in bed, holding hands and watching “Little House on the Prairie.”

“Mom,” I said. “If you’re this emotional after chapter one, then don’t read anymore.”

“No,” she said, “I’m on chapter three and I’m still crying.”

The next week she called to tell me that Aunty Lorraine was crying too, and that Aunty Lorraine was passing it on to one of her friends…

Isn’t it fitting that I while I was looking for Messy Beautiful Love, I discovered that beneath all of the painful memories, there was love between my mother and me. Messy at times–yes, but beautiful nonetheless.

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene Schacht
The Time-Warp Wife