Men Are From Mars

Darlene,

I just stumbled across your blog. I am in the middle of [your book] “Reshaping It All,” and I just had a question about a life situation right now.

My husband recently lost his job. He is in the Political field and things in our area took a down turn after this last election.

I am a teacher, and this is my first year back to work after being a stay-at-home mom for two years.

My husband is job hunting but also has his resume out at so many places that he’s sort of in a “waiting” stage.

He is home each day, and instead of catching up on laundry, taking care of house repairs, or cleaning out the garage, he is choosing to sit in front of the TV or computer.

I feel myself getting angry and upset at all the things he COULD be doing, and I feel bad about it. I don’t know how to act. I’ll admit I’ve made a few snide comments about it, and I want to stop. I want to respond in a respectful way–the way I’m supposed to respond.

Any thoughts? Thanks so much for your help.

Jessica

Jessica,

Thanks for your letter. Glad to hear that you’re reading “Reshaping it All!” I hope you like it.

I’m not a psychologist or a trained counselor, so any thoughts that I offer you are only based on my understanding of men from living with four of them!

You mentioned that your husband lost his job and that things took a down turn after the election. I don’t know the character of your husband, but in most cases, the loss of a job alone is enough to drain one’s emotion. Men were designed to provide for their families and have done so since the beginning of time. That puts a lot of pressure on a man.

Anyone who does not provide for their relatives,
and especially for their own household,
has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
~ 1 Timothy 5:8, NIV

I’m not saying that applies to your husband, I’m merely using the verse to illustrate the burden that rests on the shoulders of men.

For many men, losing the ability to provide or facing the loss of a career that they have come to love, is devastating.

When women are upset they typically talk it out. I phone my girlfriend and we analyze every word, every possible scenario, and every emotion I’m feeling until we’re talked out. Men react differently. In “Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus” doctor John Gray tells us that men don’t typically talk out their problems, they retreat to their cave and they think.

Here’s a quote from page 27:

“When he can’t find a solution then he does something to forget his problems, like reading the news or playing a game. By disengaging his mind from the problems of his day, gradually he can relax. If his stress is really great it takes getting involved with something even more challenging, like racing his car, competing in a contest, or climbing a mountain.”

My guess is that the mountain of laundry sitting next to your washer isn’t the mountain that he’s looking to climb. Bottom line is that he might be emotionally drained and relaxing in front of the TV or computer is his way of spending time in the cave.

I would suggest supporting him emotionally the best way you know how. Certainly suggest things that he could do to help you out when you’re at work, but at the same time offer him the emotional support that he needs. If he doesn’t tend to the work while you’re gone, call him to your side when you’re at home and ask him to lend a hand.

I agree that the snide comments should stop, because instead of helping they might create a fight or flight mentality. Let’s avoid that for the sake of your marriage.

A gentle answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger.
~ Proverbs 15:1, NIV

When approaching him, apply these virtues:

Love – Be patient and kind–not rude. Don’t demand your own way or get angry when the plan doesn’t go your way.
Support – Be there to listen and encourage him with your actions and words. Remind him that you will get through this together.
Respect – Show him that you value and admire the things he has done and the things he is doing. Look for ways to encourage him.

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