Kindness,  Marriage,  Uncategorized

That One Thing He Really Needs From Me

I was always so happy to see her.

Whenever my friend dropped by – I dropped everything. Smiled and gave her a hug. Suggested that she stay awhile and made her a cup of tea.

They were just little things, I know. But it was my way of saying “I care about you” and “you are dear to me”. Simple, small acts of kindness offered in friendship.

My husband watched it all from the other room. I think I’d forgotten he was even home that day. Observing it all from his favorite chair.

Then I noticed a rather melancholy look in his eyes. Sort of sad with a bit of regret. And so later I asked him about it.

“What? What were you thinking about while Susan was here?”

He shrugged, but I wasn’t about to let him off that easily. I had to know.

Please tell me. Even if hurts.

He started out slowly, “I couldn’t help wishing. And wondering.”

Yes….I urged impatiently.

“Well, why you wouldn’t smile like that at me. You know, drop everything and give me a big hug when I walked through the door. Offer to make a pot of coffee. Things like that…things like you did for her.”

He was right.

And ouch! it did hurt.

My husband – that man I love – was only looking for a little kindness. Small gestures of thoughtfulness. From me. His wife.

You might say it was a turning point for us. Before that I considered kindness as something you “felt” toward someone – more like a sentimental impulse. I didn’t understand that it was something you could simply choose.

And I certainly didn’t understand that this was something my husband needed from me.

A Kind Wife Who…

Smiles warmly. She lights up when she sees her man. He’s not old news or simply that familiar face. He’s the guy who lights up her world.

Looks up lovingly. When he walks in the room Sure, she’s busy, but always has a moment for him. She’s thrilled that he’s near and has that special sparkle in her eyes that she saves for him alone.

Replies graciously. She doesn’t snap or snarl. She saves her sweet tone for him. He’s a valued friend so she’s mindful to communicate love and appreciation for him.

Offers thoughtfully. She looks for those little ways to bless him. She knows what he likes and those small details that show him the place he has in her heart.

And on her tongue is the law of kindness. Prov. 31:26

Admittedly, this took some effort on my part. I’m sorry to say it didn’t flow naturally from me, but at least it came more easily as time went on.

And now it’s just become my way of saying “I care about you” and “you are dear to me”. Simple, small acts of kindness offered to a friend.

Who also happens to be my husband.

That man I love.

Lisa Jacobson

Club31Women

*This post is an excerpt from The 7 Habits of a Highly-Fulfilling Marriage, currently offered FREE to subscribers to Club31Women.

10 Comments

  • Ranee

    I do these things for my husband all the time and he has no clue how to accept them. We have both been previously married. He was not accustomed to this treatment. I tell him its his wife taking care of him and he needs to let me. lol

    At times I often feel like the husband in this story. Do you have any words of wisdom for a husband to be a kind husband?

    Thank you so much for the article! I love to read them

  • Kay

    I love all your posts, but this one struck me to the core. Yeah, why is my dearest person on earth too often thrown in the so-familiar-I-forget-to-show-special-kindness-to category?! You have challenged and inspired me today, Lisa. Thank you so much for this post. Now off to consciously show the man I love how I really feel about him! 🙂

  • Melanie @ Carmel Moments

    Never thought of it this way. But surely my man deserves my best. Not what’s leftover after a long day with the kids. Not the short responses after tiring myself of every one else all day.
    Beautiful reminder to hold him close and treat him great!

  • Elissa P

    Hi Ms. Lisa

    Beautiful post and it did speak to my heart. I too wonder what my husband his thinking when he walks through the door after a long day of work. The children run to hug and kiss him and although I want to do the same, sometimes I am so wrapped up with what I am doing that I don’t even take the time to move.

    I think about it–a lot. I sometimes feel bad, but because he does not say it ‘hurt’ him I just go on with what I am doing. Now, today, I will be more purposeful in my action toward the man I love, who is also my best friend. God also send the right message at the right time–thank you.

    Peace to you.

  • Adrienne

    This was great. I have already put this in place. I have always greeted him when he comes home. In fact, the boys and I (even still at 16,14, and 12) go to the door and say goodbye when he leaves and hello when he comes home. I serve him coffee when he’s home, make a snack for him if he wants it, give him a foot rub, just because, kiss with no reason. I guess my failure point would be that I tend to talk real nice ans soft on the phone with long distance family (as ours are in different states and not in TX with us) and my friends. Then sometimes not so nice when I’m busy. I have never yelled, never said angry cross words, just my attitude can come through my face and voice. So this was a great reminder to be more respectful of him as if he were the guest.

  • Joyfulmomof6

    I have made it my intention to do this for my husband for years….not that I am perfect by any means. But I especially have tried to do this because he is not a believer, and I am trying to obey the gospel that “he may be won without words” but kind deeds. I always try to anticipate his needs and be respectful of his schedule. I try to remember that I am doing it “unto the Lord” and even though he doesn’t respond, I’m still doing what I am supposed to do.
    But I wanted to share the other side….to know how it feels to be the one rebuffed….it’s like my husband can use up all his kindness on others at work, then ignore me…often I’ve cried to myself when I’ve come home from being out shopping in the evening (he has the car all day and I have to plan my errands around his work schedule) and he doesn’t even acknowledge that I came in the door…my children will run to me and say “hi” and be excited to see me. If I go someplace, he doesn’t ask me about how it was or even stop his typing on the computer to look up. It hurts to take second place to the computer all the time.

    You ladies who are blessed with God-fearing husbands are truly blessed! Don’t neglect them.

  • Roxie M.

    Wow! I’m convicted! I will pray to God for wisdom and discernment in this area. I admit that for years I’ve had conditional love for my husband…”if I’m not upset with you, I might greet you at the door,” kind of thing. I know now, after many trials and hardships in our marriage, that if I try to wait for the perfect conditions and feelings in order to treat my husband well, I never will. I would encourage all couples to have consistent counseling in your relationship; especially if one, or both of you have a background of growing up in a chaotic, super-dysfunctional home and social culture. It takes readings like this one to help you learn what you may have never even thought of; as simple as it may seem. We have to understand that most people have grown up all their lives not having any Godly examples of true, biblical love. Thank you, and God, for this article. Keep spreading the love!