When I Stopped Looking Through My Husband

Note from Darlene…

In case you’ve been wondering what’s going on with all of the new writers on the blog, I thought maybe today would be a good time to pause and fill you in. Rather than having days on and days off, I decided to add a few monthly contributors to the mix. This way it lightens my load a bit and keeps the blog rolling Monday thru Friday. I’ll still be doing the majority of posting as I’ll be writing for you every Monday and Friday as well as the occasional day here and there.  You can also find me hanging out on facebook if you aren’t connected there yet.

Today my friend Erin from Home With the Boys is here to share a post about looking at your husband, appreciating him, and thanking God for the man that he is. Enjoy your visit!

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene Schacht

Looking AT him, not THROUGH him - is proving to be one of the most important things God has taught me to strengthen our marriage.


I’m quite convinced this is not an abnormal scene in America…

A husband arrives home from work to a wife making dinner, kids clamoring for his attention, lots of life and energy and chaos as happens in a home with children. The husband greets everyone and arrives at his wife, working in the kitchen, hoping to kiss her hello, only to receive a quick peck followed by, “I really have to get back to work on dinner. Can you take out the trash? And little Suzy needs to talk to you about what she did today…”

Except for the whole “Suzy” thing {and only because I don’t have a girl}, this has been me far more often than I would care to admit. The arrival of my husband home from work isn’t always at the most convenient time and it opens up a floodgate in me for unloading the day onto him – an adult who will surely understand all the frustrations beared and to-dos left to complete.

Well, go figure that this kind of greeting is not really what my husband or ANY HUMAN BEING would want to experience after a day of their own challenges and tasks. There is no love or warmth or safety of home conveyed in this “welcome.” I believe I’ve found the root cause of this problematic situation that dashes intimacy and creates tension at the very time the family should be coming together.

For far too long, I have been looking THROUGH my husband. His arrival was briefly acknowledged, but being the person I am, my mind was quickly overcome with the long list of things that still need to be done RIGHT NOW. Instead of really seeing him, I moved to looking through him in order to accomplish the agenda of the household for the rest of the night.

This looking through him instead of at him has made me miss so much. When God opened my eyes to this revelation several months ago, my heart broke because my view of my husband had become so one-dimensional, when in all reality, is a complex, amazing gift whom God gave me to become one with.

Here’s what I was missing…

His physical appearance

My husband is a HOTTIE. I’ve always thought so, but my appreciation for his good looks had dwindled because I wasn’t taking the time to really look AT him – when we talked, when we ate, when he played with the kids. My lack of appreciation was especially ridiculous because in the past two years, he has worked hard to become physically fit and healthy and he looks better than he ever has before. Making the decision to really linger when looking at him in any situation has greatly amplified my physical attraction to him. And I also mention it to him more often now that I am more aware! He’s a “words of affirmation” guy so he likes that!

The ways he helps me

My never-ending to-do list was overwhelming me, so when I looked through my husband I completely missed the countless ways he was blessing me. I find myself much more grateful for his help around the house, with finding time for me to write and workout, and for so much more when I look AT him. I knew before that I wouldn’t want to live without him, but I’m discovering more and more each day how rich my life is because of his loving, caring ways.

His God-given intellect, talents, and abilities

When you are looking through a person, you are also not probably hearing them very well. Your mind is elsewhere and listening intently goes out the window. I have rediscovered how much I LOVE talking about things with my husband, especially things he is passionate and knowledgable about. We share many interests so those are great fun to discuss, but I even love talking about his work with him because I enjoy his passion for it and the fact God has clearly put his unique skills and talents to great use in his profession. We can go out to dinner and talk for hours and it is just the most wonderful thing to have this connection.

We celebrated ten years of marriage last May. We have three cute and chaotic boys keeping us very busy. We’ve been through mountains and valleys together. I feel like this revelation – this looking AT him, not THROUGH him – is proving to be one of the most important things God has taught me to strengthen our marriage in the everyday.

I encourage you today to really look AT your husband – enjoy all of him, appreciate all of him, acknowledge all of him, thank God for all of him. May we be more like the young woman of Song of Songs who savors and appreciates every aspect of her lover. And watch God bring new joy to your marriage!

You are so handsome, my love, pleasing beyond words! ~Songs of Songs 1:16


Home With the Boys



Erin finds joy in her life as a Jesus-follower, doctor’s wife, mama to three handsome guys, writer at Home with the Boys, and co-founder of  The MOB Society and Raising Boys Ministries. She has a passion for running, healthy living, reading, fashion, and encouraging families to form strong bonds based on faith! You can connect with her on TwitterFacebookInstagram, and Pinterest!


  • Crystal Green

    This is such a remarkable bit of advice. I can see how it can make a huge difference in someone’s marriage if they actually take the time to appreciate their spouse and see them. I can honestly say, my husband has always made me feel appreciated and valued by stopping to pay attention to me. It makes it hard for me not to return the favor.

  • Virtue31

    Thank you for sharing this beautiful post. After becoming a first time mom, some days I just feel so busy that I do need to take time to remember this. I make my own schedule so I should know when to turn the busyness off but your post is an important reminder. Thank you.

  • Aileen Noche

    Hi! I like reading this article. This is a revelation fr. GOD. I actually have been looking for answer and questioning a lot of things. I’ve been ignoring my husband for the last few weeks. I stop texting him saying hello, I love you and making love to him.The reason why is because I feel neglected, unloved and that he doesn’t care about me anymore. My thing is I’ve done so many sweet little things for him, write him little notes and texting him everyday saying “I’m thinking of you” or “I miss you”. I’m expecting him to do the same thing to me whenever I fail to do it but nothing NO action. I know he has a lot of things in his mind but he must think of me somehow within the day. My confident as his wife has been really down and I’ve been depressed about it. I’ve been wanting to talk to him about this but I don’t have the guts. I feel like its petty and not a big deal or maybe its just me. I hope that you can give me more advice.

  • melindabelle

    This is great! My husband actually called me out on this very thing a while back. He came in and I was fussing about something while cooking and he just stopped me and enlightened me on how bad it made him feel to come home be fussed at before even a kiss. So, I’ve really tried to be conscious of that ever since and it’s made a big difference.