Hi Darlene,
First let me say I agree with everything I have read on your website. I love the guidance you give to have a happier home and marriage, and I have three small children of my own.
My question to you concerns older children and reflections on my past.
I’m sad to say that my dear husband and I ‘slipped’ from our very faithful ways while we were engaged, and I became pregnant. This resulted in a wedding six weeks later instead of five months later.
When the children are older, and I’ve raised them the best that I can, how can I say if they ask, “Yes, this is what we did, and we repented. You weren’t the mistake but the result of that mistake, and we love you, but don’t want you to go down the same path?”
Because it was so hard on us, in the home and in the church, I would never wish it on anyone and want my kids to be stronger than I was. I can do my best when they are small and hope that’s enough but I just wondered what your thoughts are.
Yours,
Walking strait again, for me and my babies
Dear Walking Strait,
Thank you for your letter and your kindness. I love that you have a zeal for raising your children well, and I’m excited to see how these seeds you are growing will flourish.
The first thing I’d say is that there isn’t any need to tell them until they get to the age where they figure it out and start asking questions. What you and your husband have done is between you and God, and no one else needs to be the wiser. Nevertheless, in most cases, the children start doing the math and once they put two and two together the light bulb goes off, and you may be questioned.
An important lesson that we need to teach our children is grace, and when you answer their questions, you’ll have the opportunity to share that message with them. Grace cannot be understood by those who haven’t learned the gravity of sin. Mingling grace with sin is like trying to teach the concept of light without the knowledge of dark.
While you may be tempted to soften the blow by saying, “We made a mistake,” or “We slipped up,” it’s important that you clearly point out that your disobedience to God was sin—nothing less. Not that you were a terrible person, or that you’d love your children any less if they were in your shoes, but that defying God’s law is sin, and that our actions have consequences.
On one hand parents want to candy coat things so that their kids get the idea that they were conceived in love, blah, blah, blah… but the bottom line is that YOU had nothing to do with conception—God did. He is directly responsible for life.
For thou hast possessed my reins:
thou hast covered me in my mother’s womb.
I will praise thee; for I am fearfully
and wonderfully made: marvellous are
thy works; and that my soul knoweth
right well.
My substance was not hid from thee,
when I was made in secret, and curiously
wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
~ Psalm 139:13-15, KJV
I pray that your deep understanding and acceptance of grace by the Holy Spirit will provide you with the words when the timing is right.
Darlene
For comments or questions, contact me at:
darlene[at]darleneschacht.net
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