2 Ways Every Wife Should Pursue Her Husband

Husband and Wife

Almost seventeen years ago my husband chose to begin pursuing me with a prank phone call. It’s not how a couple usually meets, but it’s how we met. We were both college students at the Moody Bible Institute, living in one of the greatest cities in the world, Chicago, and here we sat in our dorm rooms! I didn’t know him, and he really didn’t know me. But I was in an English class with his roommate, which is how I got on the “call list” that evening. Much to their surprise *ahem, I did not fall for their prank, but I soon would fall in love with the man behind the prank phone call.

A prank phone call led to a double date, which led to a single date, which eventually led to a lot more dates, and then marriage. Today he is a pastor (no longer making prank phone calls :)) and I am his wife. God has graciously given us over fifteen years of marriage, four beautiful children, and over thirteen years of fruitful ministry. As I think back to our dating and engagement days at Moody, I often laugh at the ways we pursued one another in love. Pursuing one another came easy. There were spontaneous calls, silly notes, impromptu walks, and no shortage of talking. He pursued me and I pursued him. This is true in the beginning of almost every relationship. But as a relationship progresses and time goes by, so does the temptation to stop pursuing your spouse.

Life sets in. Things begin to become routine and mundane. There is an assumption that “he is mine,” therefore, I don’t need to try to catch him or keep him anymore. Nothing can be more destructive to a healthy and intimate relationship than one spouse failing to pursue the other.

I want to be a wife who keeps pursuing my husband, not because I fear losing him, but because I still deeply desire him and love him.

I don’t want him to doubt that.

As I have thought about the art of pursuit in marriage, I think there are two primary ways that any wife needs to pursue her husband:

1. Affirmation – You should be your husband’s biggest fan! Tell him you love him, tell him he looks nice, tell him he’s a good dad, tell him you appreciate his hard work! Make affirming him a primary way you pursue him. It is a lie and a myth that men don’t care about feelings or emotions. They want to know you still have feelings and emotions for them! Affirming your husband is a great way to show him your love and desire to pursue him.

2. Affection – Your husband wants to know he is desired. It’s not true that all he cares about is sex. He certainly cares about it, but he also wants to be wanted. Be a wife who initiates physical contact.

In Five Aspects of Woman, Barbara K.Mouser points out that this is a Biblical picture of wedded love, with man and wife. With marriage, a woman’s body becomes an interpersonal space, a place of fellowship for two people. Just as a virgin should guard the domain of her body, the wife should tend it and share it with her husband.

I am aware that there are many women who complain about their “duty.” God didn’t intend for sex to be a duty. He intended for it to be beautiful. Don’t just react to his affection, be proactive and pursue him. He will be delighted by your desire for him!

Friends, these are two simple ways that as a wives we can pursue our husbands, and I know there are so many more. In what ways do you pursue your husband? How do you make him feel loved and treasured?


Ruth, The Better Mom


  • Sarah

    This is good but needs to be balanced. A wife’s pursuit of her husband should never outpace or replace his pursuit of her. Sometimes we can get so focused on pursuing him, we don’t leave room for him to pursue us. And then that starts the slippery slope that can lead to serious marital issues, like feelings of being taken for granted or taken advantage on her part, or feelings of being nagged or smothered on his part. Husbands were called to go first, like Christ went first in loving the church, and our pursuit of our husband should be in proportion to his pursuit of us.

  • Crafty Mama

    Love this, especially the bit about a woman protecting herself for her husband even when they are married. (And, yaay, Moody Bible!!)

  • Marie Wiggins

    Thank-you for the post. But if sex is beautiful, and truly a gift from God (for two married folk), don’t be afraid to spell it out all the way! S-E-X.

    • Darlene Schacht

      The reason it’s written that way is because a lot of readers have guardian software on their computer so the kids don’t see things they shouldn’t. Some bloggers are used to writing that way just to ensure the post isn’t hidden from view. Thanks for the reminder.

  • Chelsea

    Love this! Totally agree – too many wives forget that their husbands need their love, respect and adoration! Sex is not a dirty word, though – sex was created by God, and only abused by man.

  • Esther

    Great article. However why is sex written as though its a curse word. Is it taboo to even say it? Sex is so natural & holy.

    • Darlene Schacht

      Oh my, your comment is cute. No, it’s not taboo. The reason it’s written that way is because a lot of readers have guardian software on their computer so the kids don’t see things they shouldn’t. Some bloggers are used to writing that way just to ensure the post isn’t hidden from view. Hope that makes sense. 🙂

  • Crystal

    I love this article!! And I intend to use the points made in my own marriage. The one thing about the article that irritated me is the “word” “s*x”. Sex is not a dirty thing. As the author says herself, “God … intended for it [sex] to be beautiful.” In order to teach our children the beauty of a loving and healthy sexual relationship between husband and wife, I think we first need to remind ourselves of that. And I believe one of the ways to start is to stop referring to sex as “it” or “s*x” or any of the other ways society has deemed appropriate for our children.

    This is, of course, my own opinion. Use it or not as you see fit. I will continue to look forward to more articles from The Time-Warp Wife 🙂

  • Tera

    I very much enjoy reading post like these… I have only been married 4 months. With this day in age… I can count more people in divorce than a long marriage… and I’m bound and determined not to be on the losing end. God lead me to my husband and family… and my husband and I will lead our family to him.

  • Debb.B.

    I cook his favorite meal. Chicken dinner Chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing squash and a dessert. He calls it “A meal fit for a king.” I also scratch his back at night just before he falls asleep.

  • Helen UK

    thank you for your post.
    Re not spelling the full word S** I think you do need to be aware that other people (including young ones) may see the computer and you have to be careful to be ‘age appropriate’ with words. Yes, it is holy but also, as the bible commands, we should be modest and discreet and be aware of those around us.

  • Tonja

    I just recently started leaving notes (randomly, like in his rolled up socks or in a pocket of his favorite pair of jeans or on his seat in his truck.) reminding him of my love and devotion. I like to tell him things like why I fell in love with him or quirky, silly things like meme’s I find on fb. He knows he’s on my mind and he never knows where the next one will be 🙂

  • Toniko

    I would encourage moms/wives who have zero libido to take this on tenderly. When my libido was at 0 it felt so condemning to read stuff like this. I use to use hormone birth control and that was a big part of it also after having kids and breastfeeding it was hard to want to do it too, it was nothing personal against him, just was not feeling it. Also we were so distant from each other emotionally that it was not something I felt ready for when he would want to many times. I suffered from PPD and found a few supplements that really have helped(Now foods true calm, true focus, and HTP-5) with that and PMS swings which are more severe now that we are just doing NFP. It is important to talk to him about it and assure him it is not because of something he did. Some very tame things no one would see as foreplay really are; like playing a card game or board game, having a pillow fight, holding hands and looking in each others eyes to talk, thinking about all the ways he is a blessing to you throughout the day, all might help. If you feel like you are not in the mood it is important to assess why and not just force yourself into doing it. Chances are he will notice, but more importantly you will feel bad about something that is suppose to be good. Sending Love!! if this area is hard for you right now know you are not alone and that it can change in a positive, non-forced way 🙂

  • Erica - Let Why Lead

    Beautiful, Ruth! It’s funny how easy is is to let simple things like affection and affirmation get lost in the flow of our years together. Thank you for the reminder – especially fitting, as i’m reading this on Valentine’s!

  • Susan C

    Your post is an awesome reminder. I can attest to the truth of your points. After 12 years, my husband and I still pursue each other and even when we go through rough patches for various reasons, we have that mutual affection and adoration to keep us glued together and help us remember we are each others best friends. He loves that I desire him and seek to please him, and it moves him to return the same.
    And in response to Sarah, we can’t choose to just give when the other gives equally, or we will always be waiting on each other. We MUST seek to outgive the other with no expectations of having it returned. We do not give because it is deserved or we get something back, we give because we are commanded to and we committed to. It isn’t always fair, it doesn’t always feel good, it doesn’t always result in having it given back, but it is what we do as Christian spouses. With my first husband, it was for nothing as far as making a difference in him, but it made me a better person and grew me into a better person. With my second husband, it has made all the difference in the world. There have been times, especially in the early years, when one of us gave when the other didn’t. It was that commitment to give no matter, that brought us to where we are today. Our concern can’t be fairness, our concern must be holiness. We must leave the outcome and our hearts to God. (That being said, I am not referring to taking abuse, of course, or putting up with unGodly behavior such as unfaithfulness, alcohol abuse, etc. That is a whole other topic.)

  • Stacy F.

    What about a man with low desire? Who stands up for women like me who actively pursue and pursue and only get hurt?!? Why is it that it’s only a “women’s issue” when low libido is concerned? I have a husband who cares nothing for sex yet confuses me because he has been caught with materials that would indicate he does desire sex, just not with me! I cannot tell you how much hurt and anger in in me because I have accepted this. I have not caught him recently, but I have caught him and I was absolutely devastated! When we DO get moments (yes, that’s all they are) it’s only an ends to a mean- No cuddling, no connection. I am tired of him only giving into me after I feel I have nagged him when all I want to do is show him how I feel. I am happy for the ladies in the prior comments, and they have no idea how blessed they are if that is what’s truly happening in their marriages! Pray for those of us who feel undesirable, frustrated and ugly because it’s a very lonely and depressing place to be!

    • Darlene Schacht

      Stacy F. I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I can only imagine this must be a tough road to walk. Please don’t ever think it has anything to do with you being attractive or not. From what i understand this type will often have nothing at all to do with a woman’s appearance or her sexuality.

      I’m not sure if you have ever heard of Sheila Gregoire? She is a dear friend of mine who writes a lot on the topic of sex. I encourage you to look her up online as some of her articles may bring you encouragement.