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4 Truths to Remember When You Wish You Weren’t Married

4 Truths to Remember When You Wish You Weren't Married

Divorce is usually the farthest thought from a bride’s mind as she plans her wedding. While she’s walking down the aisle she isn’t typically walking in regret. Most healthy couples are super excited to start their new adventure as husband and wife.

But at some point thoughts like “I wish I wasn’t married” creep into the minds of many married couples. The first year of marriage is a big adjustment for everyone. It can actually be much more than that, leading some to have doubts early on. For others the wish to be single again doesn’t happen until they have been married many years. It’s more common than you may think. People secretly wish they weren’t married for a variety of reasons. For example:

  1. You discover the person you are married to is a difficult person to live with.
  2. Marriage may have brought with it much suffering in various circumstances (health, finances, etc.).
  3. Some wish for a life that is less complicated (maybe the way it was back in college when all you had to worry about was homework and having fun)
  4. Between kids, husband, work and home life there is little time for self, and the idea of being single and having time for yourself can be very appealing.

Daydreaming about what it would be like to be alone for a while (even if you only wish to be single for a few days) is an overflow of the fatigue, selfishness, or disrepair found in our hearts. If you have ever wished that you were not married then I hope these next few truths will encourage you as you look and fight for joy and satisfaction in your marriage.

1. God is not done with your husband

If your husband is a believer then you can have full confidence that God is still at work in your husband’s life. He is a child of God and therefore God will work in and through him to restore the image of Christ. This work may seem slow, but God does not go back on His word nor does He ignore his child. The best thing you can do is encourage your husband and pray for him every day.

If your husband is not a believer then be diligent in praying that God will grab a hold of his heart and drastically change it. Be an example of Christ’s love to him, especially during hard times, and trust God to do what only He can do.

2. God is not done with you

As God is working on your husband He is also working on you. God uses marriage to bring to the surface sins that we might otherwise have never realized were lurking in our hearts. The purpose is the same for you as it is for your husband, to reveal in you the image of Christ.  Christ has gone to prepare a place for us in his kingdom. In the mean time He has given you His Holy Spirit Who is now at work in you, to transform you now and prepare you for eternity.

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. Philippians 1:6 

3. God has planned this path for you

God is a God of providence. Nothing happens by chance (Acts 17:26). Hannah sings a beautiful song about the providence of God in 1 Samuel 2, reminding us that God is the one who decides when we live and when we die, who will be poor and who will be wealthy. Your life is no accident. It was planned out with the precision and goodness of our God, and this includes your marriage. The spouse you have, you have for a very specific purpose. As we already saw, marriage opens our eyes to sins that are hidden deep in our hearts. We are also called to glorify Him in all circumstances including the good and the bad days in our marriage.

4. God has a Greater purpose in your marriage

Marriage between two believers is a picture of the covenant relationship between Christ and His church. So if you are married your purpose is to display this relationship to others through your marriage. How do we do this? By loving how Christ loved us, by sacrificing the way Christ sacrificed for us (selflessly), by serving the way Christ served others.

But there is another purpose to our marriage. Sometimes our marriages are hard and it is during these times that we have the opportunity to practise suffering well and to learn to say “Christ is all I need, He is sufficient for me.”

As the well used saying goes, “the grass always looks greener on the other side,” but we should know by now that this is not true. The grass is the best where God has placed us. Do you trust your God? Is he good and full of wisdom? Then view your marriage as an adventure that God has given to you. An adventure that will have hard days and dark storms as well as bright days and lots of fun. Two people who love the Lord have the power of Christ on their side and therefore the ability to have a marriage that is thriving and fulfilling.

(Let me say that it is okay, and sometimes necessary, to seek help from your pastor, counselor, or other wise person when your marriage hits a difficult time. And in the case of abuse it is imperative that you seek help immediately.)

Blessings,
Jen

Jen Torn

 

 

Jen Thorn and her husband, Joe, live in IL with their 4 children. She loves studying theology, reading the Puritans, and has a passion for horchata and all things chocolate. Jen blogs at JenThorn.com as well as Love God Greatly. Follow her on Twitter @jenlthorn and Facebook.

 

82 Comments

  • Belinda

    Thank you for this!! I have indeed gone through moments where I’ve thought “I wish I wasn’t married … it’s not supposed to be like this!” And then I would feel SO guilty, because “Christian’s aren’t supposed to think those things”, right??
    Your 4 points are spot on, and God has helped me to see the truth of all of them in my marriage, which I’m thankful for. But it doesn’t mean that you suddenly stop having those “moments”, and sometimes it’s encouraging and re-assuring to know that you’re not the only one who has those thoughts, those doubts and those discouragements. Thank you for these words of hope and encouragement! <3

  • Bridget

    Is there anyone reading this that has traveled this path while their husband was in treatment for depression? I could really use a friend who has been there. I don’t know how to love in during this time. Everything I do is wrong and hurtful in his eyes. He doesn’t think our marriage is going to survive this. I am devastated.

    • Christine

      Hi Bridget,
      My heart goes out to you. I have been on the depression roller coaster with my husband for twenty-five years so I do understand what you may be going through. It is tough. I promised to stand by him through it all but often times I do not get the same in return. It is not an equal relationship, which has been the most difficult for me to accept. I’ve had to accept a lot of things. I do pray a lot and feel God gives me the grace necessary to get through it. It is a complicated relationship to discuss here. Let me know if you want to talk more.

    • rebecca

      Bridget, I understand this is difficult for you. I am like your husband and suffer from depression. Some days are very tough on my family and myself. Those terrible days are very dark and sometimes we want nothing to do with anyone because of the dark thoughts going through our heads. If he asks to be alone give him time. If he seems to be in the same room as you but not saying anything but kind of follows you around it means he needs you but doesn’t necessarily want to talk. Smile, hold him, tell him you love him. Be ok with silence sometimes. There are no words to explain some of the things we think. We don’t always have control over it. Even on those bad days always say I love you. It does make a difference whether we show it or not. I will be praying for both of you. It’s also not a bad idea for you to go to counseling for yourself too. My husband and I go together and I go on my own. But I know it can be hard on him and this is hard on you. Not one person isn’t affected by this in your family. There is no shame in seeking help. It’s Truely a blessing. Good luck.

    • danielle

      Hi Bridget,
      I’m sorry you have to go through this. I’m actually on the depression side. I’ve dealt with it on and off for years. When I’m on medication it helps a lot but doesn’t take it away. I’ve had to take different kinds and found one that works for me (effexer). But I pray and ask God to help too. It’s hard at times. Very hard. For me what I want from my husband when going through it or bad days is to just be kind and loving. To know he is there for me. He has a tendency to play on his phone and watch TV while we are together so even though he is there, he is still preoccupied with something else. A kiss, a lingering hug, I Love yous that are sincere in the voice, a text or phone call saying I love you, how is my day going is all nice! 🙂 Praying for him is best! 🙂 Maybe even look into the challenge from the movie “Fire Proof”! Itay be hard, but we’ll worth it! I know this is frustrating and hard on you and an be completely difficult to understand when not going through th e same thing. I hope this helps! I will pray for you and your husband! 🙂

    • Christine

      Bridget
      I’m so here with you. I don’t know what my husband suffers from but I think depression is part of it. He sees divorce as the only answer for us. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I’m fighting hard for our family but wonder how much more I can handle. I encourage you to be strong and seek help. I so sympathize with you.

  • Jody

    Wow, this almost brought me to tears. Even though we haven’t even been married for 4 years, I have thought this many times, not because I have a bad husband, relatively speaking he is one of the best. But it has still been a rough few years for many reasons. #1 really hit me. I needed that immensely. #3 is what has kept me holding on when I thought that we had made a mistake. Thank you so much!

  • Maggie

    I definitely needed to read this today and God knew it! Just like Acts 17:26 says, “Nothing happens by chance.” My husband and I have been separated for 6 months and the past few weeks I have been thinking about filing for divorce. However after reading this post, I have found a bit of hope again for my marriage. Thank you Jen for your wonderful posts that you do every day!

  • Angela Washington

    My husband and I first got together in sin. This fact has made me question my marriage in difficult times. Maybe our season of marriage is over or maybe we were never suppose to get married. I got pregnant and that was the turning point in our sin. After that we wanted to give us a real try and after a couple of years we wed. I do think maybe we shouldn’t be together because if it wasn’t for getting pregnant we wouldn’t have even tried to be a real couple. I think back on the good times and our family but those good times are few and far between. Marriage is hard. I don’t want to give up yet and he says neither does he but we just differ on so many things. Constant tit for tats. It makes me wonder. I got married young as well. Seven years in and I just don’t know if we’ll make the happily ever after. I have faith but I guess it’s weak.

    • Darlene Schacht

      Seven years is often tough on couples. There’s something about that number. I pray that you hold fast and continue to build on your marriage. Keep your eyes forward and take them off of the past. That’s gone, forgotten, and doesn’t have to be a part of your future.

    • Jen Thorn

      I am sorry Angela that you have had such a tough start to your marriage. Darlene is right, the past is gone. It is time to focus on the future. The fact that both you and your husband want to see this marriage succeed is wonderful. Make sure you are regularly in the word of God and pray for your marriage daily.

    • Emily

      My husband and I met 8 years ago, got pregnant right away and then got married soon thereafter. He lost his job right after we got married and has struggled holding onto a job ever since. He has struggled through depression and it has been difficult to be the believer trying to hold this marriage together. I have stayed because of my faith.I believe God is in full control, he knew I would make these decisions long before I ever did and these choices are all apart of his plan. It is difficult to not think about what could have been. It is hard to believe that we were suppose to get married. I could have married someone who loves God, loves people and seeks to encourage me to pursue Christ, but instead I married someone who is a lover of self and spends most of the day in bed because he is depressed (and won’t get help). I run the household, manage the children and feel like my husband is more of an anchor than a helpmate. I know I sinned by pursuing a relationship with an unbeliever and I have repented. I just wonder when God is going to take my mistakes and make them into something beautiful?? Will He ever?He has the power to change my husband, change me, change this family and I cry out to him “When God?? When??! How long O Lord?”

      • Darlene Schacht

        Emily, I’m so sorry that you are going through all of this. And my heart goes out to your husband too. Struggling with depression can be a heavy weight on your heart. I pray for a spiritual and physical healing as you move forward. I hope that you have considered counselling. Even speaking to a pastor can make a world of difference. I know so many who are equipped with wisdom and can offer a word of encouragement.

      • Diana

        Emily, you have read my book!! My life is very similar. I am at that point of trying to “pull the wagon” on my own. Some days I feel that I have moved an inch but most days I feel like all I have gotten is no where. I have a lot of days when I want to give up and run. I’m moving on, though…….away from asking, “How long, Lord.” God can change my husband and He is, very slowly. I’m not waiting for my husband to catch on……I must pursue God without him, I must fight my way to get closer to God without the consent of my husband, without his support, and even without his approval. I have made my commitment to love and support my husband in sickness (depression, bi-polar) and health, but I will not let it come between me and my God. My relationship with God is far more important than my relationship with anyone else. So, I cry out, a hundred times a day, “Change me, Lord, draw me closer to you until I cannot tell us apart!! and He is!!

    • Angela

      Hi Angela. I am in the same boat with you. I have struggled with the thought that we were never supposed to be married. But the fact is, we are and therefore now we are supposed to be. I have had so many times where I am in my room just crying and crying because I feel the consequences of my sin. And yet, the Lord is always there to comfort me and hold me. Thankfully He never leaves us or forsakes us. He knows the number of hairs on our head. He promises to pick us up when we fall. I am thankful for the accounts in God’s word of men like David and Moses and Abraham. They were not perfect men. They made huge mistakes, and yet after these mistakes and sin, God still used them and even called David a man after His own heart. We can still be godly woman even if we don’t have Christian or godly husbands. The hard part I have found about this is wanting my husband to feel and be in the same place I am spiritually or even further along so he can be the spiritual leader of our family. I get annoyed and agitated when he is doing wrong or something I think he shouldn’t be doing. My actions have almost killed our marriage. It all came to a head at one point where he was ready to throw in the towel b/c I kept pushing him to fit into a mold that he didn’t fit into. I was trying to take God’s place and convict and change. It only made both of us miserable. Once I gave that up to the Lord, our marriage, though still not perfect, has had fewer arguments and much more peace. We still have tiffs here and there, but nothing like it used to be. Thankfully, like you and your husband, we both want to stay married. And with Satan against the whole institution of marriage, we are truly in a battle. God fights for us. He fights with us. Your husband will fail. So will you. I do so often. My husband does so often. The Lord constantly reminds me to forgive as He has forgiven me. I have sinned over and over and over again, and yet He forgives me every time. That does not mean you can forget what your husband has done, but you choose not to let your mind dwell on the wrong and do not bring it up to your husband again. Our responsibility to our husbands is to respect and submit to them. Such a hard thing to do! Especially when they may not be loving us! Walk with the Lord. Dwell on the things of the Lord. Read his word and mull over what you read. The Holy Spirit dwells in us and His fruit will show forth in our lives…love, joy, patience…that and constant prayer can capture our husband’s hearts for the Lord. It will not be immediate. We are still a work in progress ourselves. We don’t change in an instant and can’t expect our husbands to. God is so patient with us. Just don’t let that bitter seed dwell in your heart. That will kill a marriage too. I will pray for you and your family. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this battle!

  • Sparrow

    Instead of “the grass is greener on the other side,” how about we water the lawn that we are on! I very much dislike that saying. If we put love and labor into where we are, it will blossom! ♥

  • Starla

    I needed this. I have been thinking about this for 4 year’s now. We have been married 5 the first year was great I have been completely ignored since then.I never thought I would feel lonely being married. I’ve been praying and asking God to show me give me a answer on what I should do.

  • Shannon @ Distracted by Prayer

    Thank you so much for this encouragement! Just what I needed today- especially the part about God having a unique purpose for our marriage. We are experiencing a time of testing, which I’m convinced Satan wants to use to pull us apart. Not so fast, sucker! God is using these experiences to tie us closer and make our marriage stronger.

    It’s not easy, but God has assured me, as you wrote today, that He is in this and knows just what He is doing.

  • Heather

    I have only been a subscriber or follower of this blog for about a week now and this post was exactly what I needed to read. My marriage has been in great jeopardy this year. At one point last month I did walk out, but only to return shortly after because of the kids. My husband & I are struggling a great deal & I have been very guilty of these thoughts of just wanting to not be married anymore. My husband does not have a relationship with Christ and so this just makes working through our problems much more difficult. I know I am supposed to be an example of Christ to my husband but sometimes that feels like I’m letting myself get walked on. It’s so easy to lose focus when we’re hurting. I know God is a sovereign God & I just need to trust him & wait on his timing. Thank you for your blog. 🙂

    • Darlene Schacht

      I’m so sorry that you are hurting Heather. I pray that God will give you strength to press on in your marriage. When you are feeling down and discouraged, dig in and if you’re still feeling discouraged, dig deeper yet. He rewards those who faithfully seek him. We all want to be loved and cherished, but be reminded that each time you give for the sake of Our Lord, He takes note. Great is your reward in heaven.

    • Angela

      Heather, I know how you feel. The Lord has been so good to constantly remind me to forgive as God has forgiven me. I have sinned so often against the Lord and yet He still forgives me! I want to be as generous with my husband as God is with me! That does not mean forgetting, but choosing not to dwell on those hurts and not bringing them up to my husband again. I have so much more to learn. I was depending on him being the spiritual leader in our home, but he cannot be that until he is truly saved. I have also been reminded to look to the Lord for all things and to be all things for me. I was pushing my husband to be what he could not be. Only the Lord can change him and He can! I know the feeling of wanting to lash out when he does something wrong, but even the conviction of the wrong doing must come from the Lord. When I have lashed out at him, it makes him angry and it didn’t drawn him closer to the Lord, but pushed him further away. I was fighting to put him into a mold. Once I gave all of that over to the Lord, it made things so much easier! I wasn’t trying to be God anymore! My responsibility to him is to submit and respect him which can be so difficult at times and I make so many mistakes. I pray for wisdom when I have no idea what to do in a given situation and I know that God will give that wisdom to those who ask. It is so hard to want the immediate change, but thinking of where the Lord probably wants me and I still haven’t changed and yet He has been so patient with me definitely helps in being a bit more patient with the hubby. I will be praying for you, but wanted to let you know that you are not alone!

  • lie

    I have been married for 15 years. My husband and I were both faithfully serving Christ when we felt it was God’s will for us to marry. But it has been a rocky road for the last 5 years. Two years ago my husband came home and announced that he no longer wanted to be married to me. It broke my heart and devastated me. But I felt compelled to fight for our marriage and not give up. He stayed. But there is no more connection between us. He doesn’t try or care about having a relationship with me. The loneliness I feel is overwhelming but for the sake of the children we decided to not make any major changes to the family. My husband doesn’t do anything with the family and has long since stopped going to church with us. I think it is time to let go.

    • Darlene Schacht

      I’m really sorry to hear this. I can’t imagine the devastation you must have felt and still do. I believe that there is always hope. Even when we feel that all hope is lost. I just finished praying for your marriage. My hope is for restoration and revival.

  • lie

    I’m sorry for the long post. Just wondering if the dysfunction in our marriage isn’t doing more harm than good to the children. I certainly don’t want them to think this is the way a healthy, godly marriage functions.

    • Anne Marron

      Even the best marriages take work, and I’m all for trying to work things out and not give up too quickly. There does come a point in some marriages, though, where staying together is not the healthiest option for anyone involved. I’m no expert, mind you. I’m just a random person who spends a lot of time observing the people I meet and trying to learn from what I observe. It sounds to me like you have done all you can to make your marriage work. It may be time to accept that it’s just not a good situation. You clearly have your family’s best interests at heart, and that’s a wonderful thing. I wish you all the best in whatever path you choose.

  • Karl Heitman

    “Daydreaming about what it would be like to be alone for a while (even if you only wish to be single for a few days) is an overflow of the fatigue, selfishness, or disrepair found in our hearts.” This is the most helpful sentence in this post, in my humble opinion. Our hearts deceive us and the influence of the culture doesn’t help either. God hates divorce (Mal. 2:16). We need to be reminded of that because both men and women forget that walking out, unless there is legitimate abuse or adultery going on, should not even be an option for Christian couples. As a pastor, it becomes more and more evident how Christians are either ignorant and disobedient to 1 Peter 3:1-7. If we, myself included, would all simply obey this passage, out of genuine love for Christ, I believe we would see a lot less divorce among professing Christians. Thanks for addressing this issue.

    • Darlene Schacht

      Thank you for that reminder Karl. I love how you pointed out that it’s out of a genuine love for Christ. We might struggle to love the unlovable, but if we do it for the sake of Christ, it makes sense.

  • London

    Divorce was actually on my mind the day we tied the knot through a legal celebrant. I knew it was a mistake. I married him out of desperation. We were living together with our 1 year old and my teenage daughter. He has been mentally abusive to my daughter and i since i became pregnant. I desperately wanted to leave, but had nowhere to go. He was nice for a couple days, so I married him, eyes closed, hoping for the best. I later found out he needed someone to vouch for him to stay in the US. Now, three years later, I’m still trapped with two children in a domineering, oppressive, verbally abusive marriage. My teenage daughter has left – I lost my rights to her because there was a claim of physical aggression. I’m in the word daily. He also claims to be living for God. He refuses to face his behavior, though. Very prideful. And much older. This is not healthy for anyone here and I’ve also been in abusive relationships since I was 15. I’m done. One more thought – churches need to stand up and call abuse by name instead of calling it conflict.

  • Heidi B

    I’ve been married 19 years to a man who professed his faith, but he has been completely un-involved in any spiritual aspect of his life for the majority of our marriage. It even pulled me away from my faith for a 6 year period, but I fought to take that back. There is no spiritual foundation in our relationship, intimacy is sporadic and frequently leaves me feeling like I could be any female in his bed. It’s been a long, hard, and trying time, but everytime my thoughts go towards a split, God puts roadblacks in my path. I hope you ladies can be that for me today!

    • Darlene Schacht

      Heidi, I pray that you will continue in faith. The Bible tells us that a husband can be won over without a word. Our actions and the way that we love have more impact than we realize. I wrote a post today called, 10 things that friends do well. There’s a special message in there for women like you who are struggling.

  • Niki

    I just prayed for all of you ladies who posted. I pray your marriages be blessed. Let’s all try to spend time with God daily and he will surely lead us. I liked the verses given in the main post, Acts 17:26 and Hannah’s prayer in 1 Samuel 2. I will re-read them. I really liked #2 in the article above. I hadn’t thought about that concept before. My husband and I have been married 25 years, we married young at 19 and 22. It’s been great overall. Our biggest struggle is finances. But, we’re going to work it out! … The biggest problem is me because I don’t let my husband know when we’re short and I just figure it out and it ends up setting us back. Two heads are better than one and I need his help. He’s wrong to have let me handle it when we both honestly know he’s the wiser one with money. We have 3 kids, 20, 17, and almost 13. I really love my husband. I just wish we didn’t have this financial struggle all the time. Thankfully we both have stable full time employment. Take care everyone.

  • Wcm

    I’m also going through these emotions and thoughts. My husband told me he wanted out and I was so crushed and hurt and was still feeling love for him. I fought for our marriage. He came back and we have been in counseling. I am seeing a huge change in my husband which should give me relief and happiness, however, now I feel so betrayed and hurt by him ever leaving in the first place (for another woman) that I can’t seem to get passed it. Now I am the one who feels I should have just let him go. We get along and we aren’t fighting at all. I am just super sad and feeling like he will probably leave me again so I may as well cut him loose now to save me the heart ache- which I know, makes no sense. I’m tired of feeling like a crazy person.

    One book that we have been reading and that has been very helpful is “Sacred Marriage” by Gary Thomas. I highly recommend it to anyone and everyone, but especially to those having these thoughts.

    • Darlene Schacht

      WCM, I’d also recommend picking up a copy of my book, Messy Beautiful Love so that you can read about sin and grace from the opposite perspective.

      This feeling of sadness and insecurity is normal. You’ve been through so much. A broken heart needs time to heal. I pray that there will be restoration within you as well as between you.

      And thanks for recommending that book.

  • Job Gichana

    I’m a young man, single. At times I really get concerned with all the ‘bad’ news around regarding marriage, and I know it does create big fears among the youth. It’s kinda overwhelming. I share with my friends and I feel there’s a big problem. I do blog on young people’s issues (at youngxtian.blogspot.com) and how Christ can help fix a young person’s life.
    But I know there are many working marriages and it’s important to chose to believe in the report of the Lord; and I believe with Christ leading, it shall be well.

  • Deborah

    This is a great article, and I thank you for writing it. But sadly, my 38-year marriage can’t be saved. I pray that you’re right… that God will continue to work on my husband’s heart (He’s definitely been working on mine), and somehow show him that despite his poor choices, complete forgiveness by, and reconciliation with, me was more than possible. It’s been a horrible 2 years, but we’re almost at the end now and by God’s grace, I’m still in 1 piece. Every single day, I’m grateful for God’s promise in 1 Peter 5:10.

  • manon

    I’ve been married for 14 years. We had been in marriage counselling and went to marriage seminars etc. We separated 2 years ago when my husband didn’t seem happy in the relationship and took it out on us. Our six year daughter and me. He became abusive and had an affair. He seemed very happy to have his freedom and moved in with his new girlfriend four days after he moved out. During the first year he asked several times to come back. I refused him. He is still with the woman he had the affair with. It’s like he’s hanging onto her until I take him back or someone better comes along. He’s never apologized for what he has done. It’s not easy, but I do believe I’ve made the right decision for me and my daughter. He offers no support whatsoever. He said he doesn’t want anymore responsibility. He doesn’t spend a lot of time with our daughter. Healing is very slow. Trust is gone. God has provided for my daughter and me. God is all we need. I’m still hurting but I know my worth in Christ. I tell my daughter she is precious and I value her. I’m not interested in a new relationship but if I ever decide to remarry, I would want a man who prays for us as a family, love us as Christ loves the church and love my daughter as his own. Until then,I plan to remain a single mom and continue to believe and trust that God will take care of us. He is faithful!

  • Dani

    Thank you so much for posting this. I have been struggling so bad the last year. Me and my husband recently decided to separate the same day of our baby shower this past Saturday. But by the grace of God we choose to keep fighting. I’m 6 months pregnant and I’m scared out of my mind for what the future holds. I have an 8yr old daughter from my youth whose father was never in the picture. My husband now is the only father she knows. She loves him dearly. I feel like the selfish wickedness in our hearts deceives us to believe life would be easier with out the strife of the other. The conflict that arises in marriage. I’ve never known what a healthy marriage looks like and often you have this idea in your mind of what it should be. My favorite part of the article is wear you talk about dark times being common and Necessary to draw us closer to God. Ultimately he is the source of love that replenishes us and pushes us to love beyond limits and boarders unconditionally. I have felt so lonely and not attractive to my husband in so many ways it can surely cause you to feel depressed. But it is God who defines my worth and beauty not another fallen human. And I love how you say in the comments that more than words it is your action of love that can compel your husband to change. I’m the world’s greatest debater but it never gets me far. This spoke to me in so many ways. Thank you ladies I’ll lift you all up in prayer tonight. Pray for me to. We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us phil 3:14 nothing can separate us from the love of God! My prayer is we would find our identity in Christ not our husband’s and that we would find our love and worth from the author Himself that we may be strong and lift our husband’s up to Him. ♡♡

  • Hal

    This is a truly great post! It is so good and so helpful for so many reasons! Thank you! And, if I may, I would absolutely suggest the book Love and Respect to all married couples! It is an incredible way to look at your spouse as well as yourself and try to see the whole picture from both sides of the relationship. As Jen said, God has us in this marriage, even when it doesn’t feel like it.

  • DM

    I have a lot of trouble with #3 because we have free will. The way #3 is written makes it sound like we have no responsibility for our mistakes, which we can make and need to take responsibility for. I firmly believe that I screwed up when I married my husband, that my marriage is a mistake, that it was not part of God’s plan. I struggle with the belief that God can redeem our mistake. Moses screwed up and it cost him the blessing of entering the Promised Land. I married the wrong man and he the wrong woman, and it really feels like it has cost us the blessing of a God-honoring marriage. If I said that God had planned this, then I wouldn’t have to take responsibility for this mistake. I choose to take responsibility and ask God for His forgiveness. I I believed that God had planned this, then I wouldn’t need forgiveness.

  • suzanne

    This is a great article. I’d like ti add that i think Christians should be more transparent and honest with each other when it comes to problems that they’re having in their marriage or with themselves. it’s when we think that we’re alone or we’re somehow unique in our sin that a lot more problems can creep in. when the Bible tells us to carry each other’s burdens this is part of what it’s talking about. hypocrisy of course is not a double standard but the mask that people put on saying that everything’s okay when it’s really not.

    • Darlene Schacht

      I love the scripture found in 1 Peter 3:1, “Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;”

      Our lifestyles have a huge impact on those around us. That’s an amazing thing.

  • Refiloe

    Hi All,

    Thanks for those beautiful points. Especially the last statement about the grass being not always green.

    Im saddened about my marriage. Im not sure if I should let go or keep fighting or if really God is trying to teach me something about what Im going through. My husband and I got married on the 12th of April 2014. We had so many plans and today…

    Today he is with another woman and Im left with 2 kids to take care of and most of all to love. I love him so much regardless of how he has hurt and I dont know why. I keep hoping and praying that he will come back home. He has mentioned that he wants a divorce but hasn’t filied for it. Now God hates divores and Matthew 19 he say,” So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate”. I miss my friend, my partner and I am not sure if I should wait, maybe God wants me to learn something, at the same time teaching me patience. I have fasted and prayed..maybe it wasnt good enough..But Im not sure how to go on with my marriage, as my husband wants nothing to do with me and the girls. Sad

    • Darlene Schacht

      Refiloe, that is really sad. I’m so heart broken for you. As long as you feel led to keep praying for him, then I would. I would never try to presume how God is directing you. I do however pray that He will give you a definite sign as to when you should let go if that happens at all. And while you are praying I also pray that God will bring awesome relationships into your life to strengthen and refresh you.

  • shana

    I needed this today my husband and me have only been married a little over a year but this is both of our second marriage. We have seven kids together and don’t always agree on how to discipline them that and not having enough finances makes us fight allot and makes me wonder if we really should be together. Do you have any advise for blended families.

    • Darlene Schacht

      I love what someone told me the other day, he said if you are married the answer is simple, then yes–you should be together. Will it be easy? Sometimes it’s crazy hard. So hard that you’re brought down to your knees in prayer laying your marriage before God. We all struggle in life. For some it’s this–for others it’s that. My sister has the picture perfect marriage, and suddenly her husband is in bed 24/7 hooked up to intravenous. Life has a way of throwing us the craziest of curve balls. Situations we couldn’t even imagine facing, but suddenly there we are wondering how we got to the place that we are.

      Marriage isn’t for the purpose of sending us happiness, it’s an opportunity to glorify God through the way that we love. In doing so we discover joy that’s better than anything or any relationship this world could ever offer.

      The best gifts come from God. Our job is to keep looking up to the giver.

      I don’t know of any blogs that focus on blended families. Perhaps other readers will chime in.

  • M

    I’ve taken the time to read each and every single comment posted. Just as many of you my marriage is seeing hard times. We have had issues from the start he would go out with friends and leave me home alone. There were so many times I wanted to leave him but I chose to stay and try to make it work. It didn’t change after we had our first child. at that point I didn’t want to break up our little family. Even though my husband claimed too be a Christian , when we first met, his actions are the opposite. He doesn’t like to go to church with me and our two kids, our daughter will ask him but instead he will come up with an excuse of why he can’t. We do struggle financially. He’s wrapped up in what others think of his appearance or what kind of car he drives. He constantly lies to me and when I know he’s lying and I approach him he gets upset and questions why do I believe everyone else? I just need to have some faith in him. Honestly, it’s hard to have faith in someone who lies to me. Recently I have found myself thinking would divorce be the best thing since my kids are young? I grew up in church my parents are very strong christians. They who didn’t want me to marry him because they said they knew he wasn’t right for me. Instead of heading their warning I rebelled as most kids do. Through the 6 almost seven years we have been married hes tried to keep me away from church but I keep going. Recently I have rededicated my life to God and when I came home excited to tell him he said well I guess as long as you’re happy. I’m doing my best to raise my kids in the ways of God , just as my parents did with me and my siblings. I’m always praying for him but I’m not sure what he wants out of our marriage anymore. Please keep me in your prayers.

    • Darlene Schacht

      I just finished praying for you M. I pray that God gives you strength, wisdom and peace. We can’t always change the heart of another person, but God is at work and He is able to do more than we could ever imagine.

  • Candace

    Jen (& Darlene) –

    Thanks so much for this wonderful reminder. I married at 41 years old and was not “head over heels,” so to speak, but definitely in love (more of a grounded love). I also had grown up attending church and had seen good AND bad marriages so, believe it or not, I did a lot of thinking about divorce even while I was preparing for my marriage. I’m thrilled to say that God has given me a truly wonderful husband, but there are still times when I have thought that it would be easier – not necessarily better – to be single. Thank you so much for the points you made. They helped give me a perception check.

    Love and prayers, Candace

  • MICHELLE

    I’m really glad I found this. I just found out that my husband has been having thoughts of wanting to be single for awhile now. He thinks that no married person should think that way and that something is wrong with him. We started dating in high school, have been together 8 years, and married for one year now. I think being together all the time for 8 years really hindered us from finding ourselves as individuals. Also the fact that we started so young and he never really got to be a single guy. He insists that he still loves me, but just wonders if this is the life he wants. I have so much hope for us because I know we started out with something incredible. I’m just not sure where to go from here.

  • Chris Russo

    I am married and headed to divorce court. It is devastating.. I wish I would have learned more about how to be married before I did. I made some mistakes and so did my wife. We have three kids and I feel the worst for them.. I wish I could change everything but I can’t so I have to learn to live with it.. I have changed so I will never be the same again.. My wife has said the same. I hope God will intervene at the last minute to stop this.. I’m hopeful still….

  • Cherie

    This is an awesome article and I agree with everything you wrote. I believe God decides your life to a degree, however. He decides when you’re born and when you die, which parents you’re born to and whether or not you’re born into poverty. However, once your grown, YOU choice who you marry and whether or not you get rich or poor by the decisions YOU make and the actions YOU take. He doesn’t move people around like pieces on a checkerboard. I don’t like the idea of being moved around like a pawn because it means that free will is out the window. I believe that some decisions He lets US make and if we screw up, we’re left with the consequences.

  • Sad Dad, Worst Husband

    Stumbled upon this when googling “wishing I weren’t married”. Its funny how most publications are initially created with apathy for wives. It would be great to just stumble upon a holistic view for the overall marriage. Marriage is more than difficult and I try hard but just don’t have what it takes.

  • Second Stone

    Fuck. Came to see some thing that’d help. But when I saw “God” in all the four points, I became hopeless.
    But actually it helped a bit. At least I said to god, that I’ll fix things. And god if you are there any where near, just know that I did the best I could.
    And I don’t want anything from you except good health and a new day. If you can please keep me away from bad experiences, I’ll make the good experiences myself.

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