2 Questions That Could Change Your Marriage

2 Questions that Could Change Your Marriage

Do I measure up? Am I keeping up?

After 26 years there are so many things I would change if I could go back. So many things I’d do better if given the chance. But I’m not. All I’m given is today, this moment before me.

Am I making the most of it? What more can I do?

If you’re anything like me you probably have days when you settle down for the night, the house is quiet, and you start to think about all of the things you could have done better…

Said no to those chips before bed. And the pop…

Said yes to my kids when they wanted to play

Cooked something better than leftovers

Read the Bible

Listened to my husband instead of arguing with him

Spent less money

Spent less time on the computer

Held my tongue

Controlled my temper


Packed better lunches

Caught up on laundry

Kept the house cleaner

Smiled more/frowned less

Given enough time we could all come up with a list much longer than this. Certainly our lists would differ one from another, but here’s the thing–we’re all growing, and learning, and walking in grace. We all have areas in which we struggle to grow.

As much as it might seem like other women are perfect–don’t be mistaken–they have a list too.

No one is perfect, not me and not you. It’s only by the righteousness of Christ that we’re found without fault.

But there are two questions, every wife needs to ask:

Do I love God with all of my heart?

Do I love my husband (and others) as myself?

Answer yes to those questions and you could change your marriage. Answer yes to those questions and everything else will fall into place. Maybe not today, or according to your expectations, but they will work out together for good according to His purpose. We have that promise from God.

Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. – Matthew 22:37-39

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene Schacht
The Time-Warp Wife

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  • Megan

    Hi Darlene,
    I appreciated the thought behind this since I go through this list of ways I have failed nightly, *sigh*, but then you lost me by giving the law as the answer to the problem. Are your answers ever really truly yes to both? My answers to both of those questions will honestly always be no on this side of eternity. That is demonstrated by the very fact that there is a daily list of failures that I keep track of…. We constantly try to find value in keeping these checklists! The heart is deceitful above all else and even my righteousness is filthy rags. What brings freedom from this condemning list of daily failures is what you have in your closing that I love so much to be reminded of: I AM loved by an almighty God….even before I loved him in return. The sweet truth of the gospel is the only hope I have for being a better wife or of my nightly list being shortened by even one item. There is only one who satisfied the law, and thinking that we can uphold it is keeps us from seeing ourselves as we really are and needing Jesus the way we truly do. All these daily failures only lose their weight on us when we see Jesus on the cross paying for them. Focusing on the love for me that motivated that makes those self-imposed chains fall away again. Jesus kept those commandments and gives me his perfect record, what a miracle THAT is! That unstopping, never giving up, always and forever love is what makes it ok for me at the end of the day to admit what stunk about me today, and frees me to give of myself to my husband and serve him sacrificially. (For the record, I am no good at this loving sacrificially or depending on the Lord for my value…but praise God that there is no condemnation in Jesus, and that I can keep returning to this promise after making my lists!!!)

  • Heather @ My Overflowing Cup

    Those 2 questions boil our entire Christian walk down, don’t they? Thank you for the reminder that His mercies are new each day and that everything hangs on those two commandments. As long as we are striving for those, our lists seem to matter a whole lot less. Love this post, Darlene. Thank you.

  • Davonne Parks

    This post makes me think of the verse, “Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God and keep His commandments, For this is man’s all.” Ecclesiastes 12:13

    Just what I needed to read tonight. Thank you!

  • Deanna

    My husband and I celebrated 30 years this past July, but there are some problems that we keep having…over and over in our relationship. My husband HATES short hair, but my hair looks better short and is easier for me to handle. He also HATES “fat”. I just turned 48 and I have weighed 145 pounds for the past 5 years or so. I used to be skinny and could eat anything I wanted my whole life until a traumatic accident that my son was in… then I began to put on some weight, but have been the same for a few years now. I work full time away from home and always have. However 7 years ago I started a job that is 1 1/2 hours away…therefore my time on the road is about 3 hours per day…+ the 9 hours i’m at the office…so that is 12 hours of my day. then get home to do household chores. I used to be busy more around the house during the week when our 2 boys were home, and he complained because I never sat down with him. now we each have a recliner so I can sit down with him…He doesn’t really talk to me much because he is watching TV… he stays up and watches TV about 5-6 hours every evening before he comes to bed. The issue with my hair and my wieght bother him ALOT!! I have invited him to come to bed with me, but he doesn’t want to go to bed at 9:00 am, and he is tired of me not caring about his feelings about my hair and weight so he doesn’t want to be with me. He takes care of the dairy farm we live on and I work out, so we don’t see much of each other…doing anything. I guess I am selfish when it comes to my hair, I hate long hair-I get so hot…no matter the weather. My weight isn’t an issue for me because I know there is more to someone than their body, but to him he don’t care. My observation is: IF i grow my hair long, and work out to become a model than my husband will love me again…????

    • RJ

      I suggest that you DO grow out your hair again, and tell him that you are doing it b/c you understand that it’s a major turn on for him. If he responds positively, do it. Men are simple and we like what we like. Many guys believe that their opinions are not valued by their wives.

  • susan larson

    I have learned over the past three years in our almost 28 years of being married how important it is to both spouses to feel approved and accepted and encouraged.

    Every season of life has it’s expectations, and I realize responsibilities. The tricky part being married for over two decades is keeping it real while keeping ourselves reaching to develop individual personal growth while maintaining a solid recreation with our spouse.
    I have started studying personal effectiveness therapy training and learning how to ask, versus demand, what it is I need and want from my husband. I expect him to learn to do the same, as I am not interested in being demanded to give or do anything just because he says so. I love my man very much, and strive to show him this by staying commited to personal growth. If not, the relationship gets stale and the blame game and I will love you if…..controls the relationship. Check with him and pray about seeking out some trainging for your selves on personal effectiveness training. It is helping us greatly during a season that is demanding in our marriage and family. The abiding in Christ is essential, as Christ’s example of love shows us that it takes effort and action to be able to love sacrificially. Then the Holy Spirit rewards us with indescribable joy! That doesn’t fade away.

    Have you shared with him what bugs you A LOT? It takes two to tango!!
    Be courageous and talk it over. The best marriage buster can be TV, but perhaps you guys could compromise and watch a new series together every other night? Then do something together, even simply read together, on the opposite evenings . Do not stop pursuing each other just because of a speed bump in your marital journey! Keep driving toward your sunset of your Golden Years. It is so sweet to persevere and realize it is so worth the risk of personal growth and change. Give yourself grace and trust all of this to the Cross and ask Christ Jesus to draw you both closer together.

    God bless you and keep you. The Lord shine His face upon you. And grant you peace.