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Why You Should Fight for Your Marriage: 3 Things Every Struggling Wife Needs to Know

3 Things Every Struggling Wife Needs to Know

Have you ever hit a “rough spot” in your life?

I hate them.  Strong word, I know.  Mothers have all kinds of places in their lives for rough spots, don’t they? Rough spots can occur anywhere in life, but I especially hate the ones that worm their wicked way into my marriage.

Over twenty-four years of marriage, we’ve hit several rough spots.  Usually, we hit them and they’re over.  An argument. A disagreement over a matter of little importance.  A bad mood. A lack of time for intimacy. A misunderstanding. Financial pressure.

Address them and move on.  Done.

Occasionally, though, they last a while. Those are the really hards ones.  They can look more like this-

A period of financial stress that lasts for months, even years

Broken trust that cannot simply be “forgotten” but must be forgiven—if healing is to happen

Lack of sexual desire, where one spouse desires more sexual intimacy than the other

Discontentment. (Mix it with the Internet … and you have a marriage-killing cocktail.)

A habit of taking each other for granted

There are others, of course. We all have our weaknesses.  Satan knows all too well which emotional “buttons” to push in order to drive a wedge into a marriage. Have you felt him with his hammer and wedge? I have. Sometimes the hammer hits hard—the spot is just beginning to scab over when *bam!* another blow. How do we move forward?

There are a few things you need to know about “healthy” marriages. The reason we call them “healthy” is because they share some common characteristics. Avoiding struggle, however, is not one of them. Struggles come. The question is not “if” they will come; the question is “when.”

Here’s the thing: You have an enemy. You really do. If you’re married, the target on your back just got bigger. If you’re in a Christian marriage, enlarge that target on your back again. Raising children? Up the collateral damage 1000%. The enemy I speak of is not interested in your marriage—not really. He’s interested in your children. That’s right. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: If satan can take out your marriage, he’s got a great shot at your kids. And at the end of the day, it’s the next generation that’s going to pay the price. It’s the next generation that we’re fighting to protect.

If you are struggling in marriage right now, here are three things you need to know:

  1. The covenant of marriage is worth the struggle.
    We are living in an era where a covenant is not worth much. However, God sees things differently. He sees the covenant as it was designed to be seen: as eternal.  Nothing in this life that’s worth doing is ever easy. Parenting is worth the struggle. Kids are worth it. Your marriage is worth it. No struggle = little value. Period. Marriage in our culture is under attack because it’s God-designed and everything designed by God is on the cultural chopping block under the guise of “tolerance.”
  2. Healthy marriages struggle.
    Yep. You heard me right. There is no marriage on the face of the earth that has not encountered difficulty. Including mine. We see two examples of marriage today: one is the picture-perfect marriage in which two people have children (sometimes a dozen or more) and seem to get through the hard parts without any difficulty. I’d like to suggest that this is simply untrue. All couples struggle. The other kind of marriage is the one that is flat-out awful. These couples make the cover of People Magazine (think Tori Spelling and Dean whats-his-name) for a while, and we’re fascinated—but then they get divorced and another exciting and newsworthy couple takes their place. After all, ordinary marriages are not newsworthy.
  3. Marriage is not about happiness.
    Please understand. I’m not talking to the woman suffering in a truly abusive marriage; I’m talking to the one whose husband is emotionally clueless or who is selfish. I’m talking to the woman whose husband is “boring.” I’m talking to the woman who thinks the grass is greener on the proverbial ‘other side’ or who is discontent because she has an unrealistic picture of what her marriage would look like—if she were married to someone else. I’m talking to the woman who thinks that if she were married to so-and-so, she would be happy. Marriage is not about happiness. It’s about love and commitment. It’s an opportunity to become self-less. It’s a chance to learn what it means to serve another person with your whole heart. Honestly? Sometimes, that’s hard.

Last month, I spoke with a husband whose marriage had recently ended after nearly thirty years. His main regret? That he didn’t “see the signs” and really love his wife earlier. He regretted not nurturing his marriage. He said she regretted it too, but that “too much water” had gone under the bridge of their marriage to save it. This couple has children who are now in their early twenties. By all accounts, they did the “divorce thing” right: they waited until their children were grown.

This man, however, was seeing the truth. Even his adult children were suffering as a result of their parent’s divorce. You see, there is no such thing as a victimless divorce. We are all victims in this culture of divorce. Until we see marriage as the precious covenant relationship that it is, until we decide that marriage is truly worth it, we will continue to see a decline in our culture.

Precious wife, your marriage is worth it. Don’t let the culture lie to you about the preciousness of your marriage. It matters. If you’re struggling in your marriage, take time to work on it. Put other, less important things aside. Get the help you need. Be honest—and real. Chances are good that if you’ll talk about your struggles with another married woman, she will share her struggles with you.

I think when we can begin to be honest about the struggle—and the sanctity—of marriage, we can begin to have an honest conversation about the price we are all paying for our callous attitude toward this most precious of relationships.

A lifetime commitment to another person is never easy, but it’s worth it. Your decision to make your marriage the priority relationship in your home matters. A generation is hanging in the balance. Don’t give your marriage up without a fight. It’s worth it.

Heidi St. John
The Busy Mom

166 Comments

  • Keri

    This is so very true! Thanks for writing it and sharing it with us. Be encouraged, those who are going through a “rough patch” right now. It doesn’t mean that it will last forever. The only think I can think to add to this is to pray for your spouse daily as you are going through it. Writing verses on cards and carrying them around the house helped me. We are getting ready to celebrate 32 years of marriage. It is so worth it!

    • Jody G

      I am christian but not currently practicing the faith. I came across this website while looking for something else but even thou this article is faith based I got so much out of this making me want to reapply myself back to my marriage. This is my second marriage and my last.

  • Elissa P

    Hi Ms. Heidi

    Yes, our married is worth fighting for, but we should not fight alone. Daily I pray that God will keep my married and do not allow ‘my mouth’ to break down what He as build up.

    Sometime in the hardness of time we over look each other, as you so rightfully stated. I believe as wives we sometimes go about doing stuff and living. We become lazy and comfortable in our marriage and this is the plan of Satan. He wants us to forget about each other’s needs and wants at home so we can go about looking for it somewhere else.

    Let us remember to always leave our marriage at the feet of Jesus.

    Peace to you.

  • suffered long time

    Yes, God does want us to suffer through 30 years + of loveless marriages in which husbands emotionally check out, refuse counseling because “he’s happy with the way things are especially if you will just leave him alone”. Yes, years of begging God DAILY to intervene, telling Him you were willing to do whatever He called you to do to change this man’s heart, jump every hoop possible while thinking, “now he’ll love me”. But he doesn’t. God want’s us to stay bound to men who leave us in dangerous circumstance with no thought of removing us, who would rather show rage than share a tender thought – because he doesn’t have one toward you. Stay with men who blatantly lie verbally and in action about who he is prior to the wedding andthen devastates you on the short honeymoon when he no longer wants to touch you and would rather return home to work. And that doesn’t change over the next 30 years. I guess God is ok with us dying… not to self… just be dead. Stay for the kids, whose conception dates you know as well as birthdates since you had to beg to be touched by one who holds you in contempt. Live and die without ever knowing the love of a man, to know what it means to “matter”. Yes, I have done this. If this is all God want’s for me, then I will continue to endure. Having survived from my early twenties into my fifties, have two heart conditions from living in daily agony – for the kids – have two christian counselors who have said it’s time to leave, and have children who are emotionally disconnected to a degree themselves because they were raised by an absent father and a mother whose love tank was DRY, and she had to pretend every day that she had love to give…. by physically doing what she knew she was supposed to. The kids do not see the death in your eyes until they are in mid-twenties. Yep, I guess I served them and God well. May He call me home soon.

    • Z

      Dear Suffered Long,

      I believe in God’s plan for marriage. I believe in sticking out the rough patches. However, if he left you in dangerous situations, then maybe it was time to move. Separation is needed sometimes, always with the hope of restoration, but your safety (and your children’s) matters. God can work miracles. Wives need to speak to their husbands. Make sure they hear not in anger or drama, but clear, effective words. Living as the victim doesn’t help anyone, least of all you. A good book to read might be “Boundaries” by Henry Cloud.

      Also, your self worth or the fact that you “matter” does not come from a man, even one who promised to love you and chooses to reject. Your value comes from your Creator. God in Heaven values you. God in Heaven loves you. The Holy Spirit desires to give you strength to get through the days and years. Your love for your children can come straight from the Heavenly Father who has more then enough love for all of you.

      There is a cd by S.M. Davis entitled “How a wife can use reverence to build or repair her marriage.” The first time I heard the tape of it, I wanted to toss it out! However, there is something powerful about living a life in obedience to Jesus whether the other party every chooses obedience. You are responsible before God to obey him. He is responsible for God for his obedience or lack there of. Both will give an account before God one day.

      I pray you find joy in Jesus not others. I pray you stand for righteousness even when others don’t. I pray you choose to keep yourself physically safe, and rely on God for your heart and emotions.

      Sincerely,

      Z

    • Darlene Schacht

      I feel the pain in your words and understand that many women have felt them. Thank you for reminding us that we aren’t all living in perfect relationships. I’ve been there too.

      I’m familiar with a beautiful story of a friend who was living like this. Her husband was rough, verbally abusive and possibly physically. She was and is a strong woman of faith who was committed to making her marriage work.

      Through wisdom and prayer, she made a decision to leave him. One night when he was out at a ball game, she packed her bags and left their home. That was about 30 years ago.

      To this day, she is committed to praying for her marriage. His family is her family. They call her sister and aunty. But until he is willing to change she remains on her own.

      The difference between her and many other women is that she continues to pray and hope for restoration–even after 30 years! She is trusting God with her future and following His will for her life.

      If anyone is in a dangerous or abusive situation, They should seek counsel immediately. Wise counsel from women and men of God that understand the importance of restoration. But also those who understand the need for safety.

      I hope that others will join me in praying for marriages that are broken, and both men and women who are seeking to understand God’s perfect will for their lives.

      • SadWife

        This is what I am doing right now. This is my 2nd marriage and I thought it was all different. I thought I really knew him and that I had sought out a “Christian man” and that he really intended to honor me and be the head of our home and family. It has not turned out to be so. He disrespects me, he flirts with other women, makes decisions without discussing them with me, keeps money from me, the list is endless. Countless attempts to discuss our problems and work things out have been fruitless. He will admit he has done wrong, but makes no plan or promise to change it in the future. We are separating at this time. We may remain separated for a long time, I don’t know. I am not ready to divorce and I will continue to pray for my marriage, but I cannot continue to try to live a life with him. It has turned out to be one of the greates disappointments of my life.

        • dying inside

          I don’t know if u will get this message .
          I am on 2nd marriage. Going badly.
          Pls message me here – or email me or find a way of messaging me privately??

          I am on FB but don’t know how to contact on there as don’t wanna give my name ??

          🙁

        • Carolyn Green

          SadWife it sounds like you writecm6 story. I’m separated now, just 2 months and he has another woman sleeping over already. I could find noone to support fighting for my marriage or how, once he’s moved on. I have learned that he has a psychological pattern. This is his 4th marriage, my second. I want to give up but can’t. This is something worth fighting for. God can overcome all. However for a man pretending to be a believer, I’m not sure he will turn around.

      • Tee T

        I am married to my high school sweetheart. After 17yrs of marriage and a 10yr old and a 3yr old things seem to be going off track fast. We seem to be on constant changing paths. Neither one of us have cheated, I don’t think. Simply finding enjoyment in others company not with the ones we love. How do you talk to get the paths back on same coordinates? When talking leads to arguments of hate and hurt.

    • same story, different outcome

      Dear suffered long time,
      I dont want to end up like you. Thats why im getting a divorce. I see those same signs and i know that God does NOT want that for me. I have come to accept the mistake i made in marrying this man, and even though i know its not ideal for the Christian home, i believe its best for my family and myself in the long run. I will be honest and true to myself and try to rectify the mistake i made, by loving my kids and loving myself enough to live my life in a healthier way. I can love God and i believe He loves me even in this struggle.

    • Lisa

      I understand, but what I learned over the course of 30 years is my First obligation was to my relationship with Jesus. When I quit putting stipulations and conditions on my walk, faithfulness. When I quit laying blame on my husband that if he were more…… and spent more time with my Savior and concerned myself with how I was “walking” I saw a marked improvement in my husband’s heart. And I mean TRUE PEACE that I was unable to “change” him. Do we have the perfect marriage, uh NO!! but God has changed my heart!!!! and that is/was the most important factor in my marriage 🙂

    • serena

      I’m so sorry ,I don’t feel god intended for women to live like this ,but I pray God restore everything in your life and may your latter be greater than your former. God bless you,suffered a long time! Hugs and much love to you

  • Bess

    I totally agree with all of this. After almost 27 years of marriage, my husband has decided he’s ready to move on because he’s just not happy. My heart is breaking as well as our kids’. Satan got a stronghold, and we let him tear us apart. My advice would be to pray for each other and lift each other up daily. Also, make time for each other on a regular basis. It is so worth it. I am still praying and believing for restoration.

  • Conni

    To Suffered a Long Time;
    I am not a marriage expert but I do consider myself someone who has experienced that joy with my spouse. I do not believe marriage was created for the purpose of “just stay with someone because of children” I believe God created marriage for companionship, love, and intimacy with someone else. In other words, for us to live our lives giving and receiving love from someone. I do not believe God intends for us to be with someone who makes us miserable, and who we do not see eye to eye with. You are not solely responsible for feeling like there is something missing in your life, and you have the right to want what you feel is important to you. God intends for us to be happy with our spouse. As our lives change our relationships evolve and change.

    I am a mom of four kids, my oldest is 20ys old and just left for the Navy, my sixteen year old daughter eight year old and seven year old are homeschooled. We tend to be pretty busy but my husband and I do drink coffee together every weekend morning together. We have found over the years that is is important to drink coffee together and talk about the things we have missed out on with each other during the week. We also try to cook together for out date night at least twice a month. We try to be important to each other in spite of being busy with the every day life.

    Although we have had our rough spots here and there, I have never felt unloved, unimportant, or ignored. Instead I have thought “oh we are not on the same page with each other” which meant we needed to spend some time with each other.

    As far as thinking Satan has it out for me in my marriage, I have never thought that. I have always believed my communication skills were the key to resolving and issues I have had “there is a nice way to say everything, we just have to look for it” and sometimes we need to pray for the courage to say what we need to. I have also never thought I was important enough to Satan for him to bother with me and my marriage, I am sure he has other ways to get to me.

    My point to you is: My heart is sad for you. Maybe the answer you are looking for is something you already know. Do not live your life in sadness or in regret. My belief is that is not the life God intended for any of us. I believe God is a God of love and wants us to live a life filled with love and happiness. It sounds to me he is answering your prayer, but maybe not the way you want Him too.

    If you wish to talk further let me know here and I will send you more information.

    Love in God.

    Conni

  • Courtney

    I have never posted anything and sometimes my views differ from yours (with the utmost respect), but I agree that I would like to see more honesty in the blogs about marriage. Not to say I want to hear women/men talking badly about their spouse but showing their testimony about the hard times. I find reasurance and hope when I read those stories. Thanks for the great post.

  • Ambet

    As you, I believe marriage to be central to happiness in all aspects of our lives and especially our childrens’. But both sides must be working together. Without this all that is seen is a lie. I struggled for 16 years in a marriage that I believed was worth everything. And that is what I paid for It. I talked with my teenage son, after everything had ended. I told him how sorry I was that things didn’t come to pass as I had desired. And what he said to me was this: “mom I am not upset with you and dad, I am upset you two put us all thru the pain for years. You should’ve divorced earlier.” For me providing my children with both parents was the most Iimportant thing. However in doing this I was teaching my children that an unhealthy relationship is ok. Their choices for friends has been better since our divorce. Their ability to evaluate choices and long term consequences has been greatly enhanced. I still believe divorce to be the last and worse option. But I also believe, especially in Christian circles, that it be looked at differently…..with some understanding that divorce isn’t always a cop out.

  • Lyndsay

    This is all very good, however I have been married to my husband for 7 long years. We are blending our children, he has 3 and I have 2 and then we had one together. My husband has an X wife whom has put her kids against me for 7 years and also has been trying to get me to leave my husband, she has been doing this for 7 years! My in laws also have tried to break us up several times. We have been trying to raise our children in a Christian home, with my step children going back and forth they bring on a lot of drama. We just started our 7th year, I have had all the “itches” I am so fed up with all the drama. I am ready to throwin the towel!

  • Please respond

    Heidi please respond to the woman above who has suffered for 30 plus years in a loveless marriage and who has clearly been hurting for a great long time. Defend your article- Defend your words. Do you believe this is what God has ordained? My heart goes out to this woman who has not been loved. Where are you oh art Christian women? We should be loving on other women and encouraging them. You have done good to suffer so long. I’m sure it feels pretty crappy and you haven’t seen any fruit which is really discouraging. Oh God tske us all soon!

  • Glad I Left

    I can totally relate to the comments by suffered long time. I stayed in a similar situation for over 21 years because I thought that was what God/religion wanted of me… until it almost destroyed my health. I can’t even begin to tell you how happy I am that God set me free and moved me into an intimate relationship with Himself.

    I prayed for restoration, redemption, for the Creator to create from nothing. Instead I learned how much He honors freedom of choice. Do I wish my husband had chosen to engage? Absolutely. Has it been hard on our adult daughter? Yes. But it has also been healing for her too. And I hope my courage to break a cycle and the authentic growth my daughter and I have experienced will help her choose better than I did when it is time for her to find a marriage partner.

    God is an amazing Redeemer and Restorer. But it doesn’t always look like the marriage makes it.

  • A Friend

    I agree completely with everything you just wrote. What I am wondering though is when a wife needs to leave, at least separate. The reason is that I have a good friend who seems to be in a somewhat abusive relationship. She said that he used to do physical abuse but when she made it clear that was NOT ok, that stopped. Now he just hits walls instead. But he’s very emotionally abusive – telling her she is no good at stuff, threatening divorce when he doesn’t get his way, accusing her of trying to upset him – not loving him, etc. She has felt like she’s not expected to change and become someone else and even that doesn’t work. She and he are both Christians and she’s determined to honor her commitment to him. The hard part is that they have four children 7 and under. So the stuff going on affects them too. She is so faithful and so determined to honor her commitment that I fear she’ll stay even when it’s extremely unhealthy to do so. He’s military and so the whole family just moved over to England so she’s without her support system now. I know I need to trust God to take care of her and trust that her crazy strong faith will guide her, but as a friend, how can I help? And at what point is it unhealthy for her and the children to remain in that environment? Maybe my own faith is just not big enough – not in her or God, but I feel as though I should help her set down specific boundaries – lines that if crossed mean she and the kids need to get out until he can grow. She and I know full well that it’s really a spiritual battle. He’s fighting against God, not just his wife. Is there anything that I, as her friend, can/should do?
    Thank you for any advice you have for me!

  • Anonymous

    Hmmm and if your husband cheats on you and is constantly looking for women to sleep with…and is far from deprived in that area. What are my children learning about being faithful, God fearing, loving and trusting? I gave my husband 3 previous chances to change. Leaving us 12 hours away in another home and one STD later… I’m done.

  • jf

    wow I so can relate to how suffering for a long time feels. I realize sometimes things just don’t work out & there needs to be 2 willing partners in order to work things out. my husband at this point is unwilling to change & is unwilling to even talk with me about some extremely serious issues we have therefore nothing is getting fixed. I know how GOD feels about marriage so I don’t know what to do. I’ve been praying, believing, confessing, fasting for years & no change. I have seriously been thinking about a separation with hopes of restoration but I am scared. I don’t want to make things even worse. I don’t want to hurt my husband even though he is unconcerned about how he is hurting me. Its so painful when the hurt & pain is coming from your bestfriend, when he knows he is just ripping out your heart by his actions & doesn’t even care. He is starting to look more like my enemy. Our circumstances has & is affecting me mentally, physically, emotionally but I cling to GOD my hope & my strength. If I went into detail about my situation im sure I would blow everyones mind who would read it & tell me I need to leave. I would tell someone in my situation the same thing. Any input from anyone? I so need encouragement! Please Help!

  • GS

    Why is it the wife’s responsibility to take action? Both people should contribute, both people should engage, and both people should fight.
    To imply the burden is on the woman is a dangerous use of your words.

    I’d suggest a bit of editing on this piece.

    • Donna

      Agreed. This article has potential, but it comes across as marriage advice from a woman who has hit a few rough patches in her marriage, not a woman who has any fathom what a miserable marriage feels like.

  • anonymous

    I have a marriage where I believe
    in God but my spouse doesn’t. I have a marriage where corrupt and immoral things go on and I cant say or do anything about it. But my husband is willing to throw our marriage away to protect his immoral brother. How do I get over that. He loves me he says but he constantly have no respect for me let alone stand up for me. He wont even do the right thing that he knows to do. But he loves me I invest literally in him and his needs yet I should continue to be with him. He knows whatvthey are about and chooses to look the other way…he wonders why im angry and depressed. I dont even want to be intimate with him. Tell what do I do. This is what my kids should be seeing as okay.

    • Darlene Schacht

      I would speak to a counselor, a pastor, or a mentor about your particular situation. It sounds like you need encouragement and wisdom from someone who’s experienced in the issues of marriage. Thank you for sharing your heart.

  • DP

    I am a Christan wife who’s been married 18 years – to an alcoholic. You may say I should have known better and not married him, but the problem wasn’t there in the beginning. Only in the past 5 years has his substance abuse really started to take it’s toll. He’s not physically or emotionally abusive to myself or the children, doesn’t drive if he’s been drinking, makes it to work, even attends AA regularly, but continues to “sneak” his alcohol and sleeping meds and LIES about where he is or has been. I have stayed with him through an affair (I “detached with love” per Al-anon and he decided to get attention elsewhere), rehab and financial hardship due to his substance abuse. He knows he has a problem, we discuss it ad nausem, he’s full of apologies and like the good Christan wife I’m supposed to be – we all jump back on the roller coaster for yet another ride. I’m sorry if I’m taking my frustration out on you, but I’m SO tired of yet another “person” telling me that God expects us to honor our marriage covenant, to pray and not to give up or you will “miss out on God’s blessing”. In the mean time, what about the damage it’s doing not only to my marriage, but to our children? Both girls have trust issues with men and don’t do well with “relationships”. We all (except my husband) have been and are currently in counseling. Because I keep trying to make this marriage work – my girls alternately feel sorry for me or see me as weak. I guess I’m going to “miss out on God’s blessing” because I can’t do this any more. Would appreciate prayer – thanks.

  • CLH

    This is the worst thing I have read in a while.

    It is not a woman’s job to sacrifice her happiness for the soul purpose of the sanctity of marriage. In a marriage, the jobs of both spouses is to be there for the other person, to love the other person, to make the other person happy. If one person is not doing that, the other is in no way responsible for standing around, miserable, just taking the unhappiness and thinking that’s their lot in life. They’re stuck with it, so just deal. That’s not healthy. That’s not sane. That is wrong.

    And this “wait til the children are grown” thing is just crap. My parents divorced when I was a kid, and I cannot tell you what a positive impact that had. It was much better to have them apart, then to have to live with them when they’re always screaming at each other. It’s not a healthy growing environment for a child, mentally or emotionally, to be around that kind of behavior. It encourages kids to both tolerate and actively participate in dysfunctional relationships. Then your kid very well may grow up to be as miserable in their marriage as you are. Would you want that for your kid? I sure as hell wouldn’t.

    It’s important to work at marriages. They do take effort. There are problems. And it’s important to try and get through those problems together. But when the problem is you no longer love your spouse, or you are just entirely unhappy because of your spouse, then it is your duty to yourself to get out of that situation.

    Life’s too damn short to be unhappy.

    • Teresa

      YES!! God loves ME more then He hates divorce! We need to put women ABOVE the so called “covenant of marriage!!” WE are more important to God then a piece of paper!
      All I have to say is if you’re in an abusive/destructive marriage….look up Leslie Vernick dot com and YouTube Patrick Doyle videos and Veritas counseling! They have the answers you’re looking for!

  • Waiting on the LORD

    I am in a 27 year marriage. There has been pornography and there are financial lies, cover ups and secrets. He attended EMB Every Man’s Battle twice. Says he gave all the porn up. Treats me like a house keeper. we live in separate rooms because I don’t see any change in his trying to be in relationship with me. he goes to church, meets with the pastor, goes to a 12 step program, is in counsel with another pastor- says he wants relationship. He isn’t engaging with me. He cuts me out of everything. Makes his own plans, does things with the kids but leaves me out. Lies to me. Tells me nothing about anything but the church is supporting him because he is coming there and going to counsel. I am a believer, I was active in church, in leadership for women’s Bible studies,I serve well where I find a need and share my spiritual gifts. The church is threatening me to take the issue before the elder board which could mean I might be asked to never return to church there. I have been very involved in ministry there. I am crushed. He is not being a husband in any sense of the word, he doesn’t lead in our home, he ignores my needs. It has been four years since I found out about the porn but there were issues before that. He is retired. I am still raising children, I am lost. the church says I have no grounds for divorce. I am living in a substandard marriage and I know God is not being glorified by this existence. I am sad for how this reflects on God..I want him glorified but this isn’t changing at all. I have been patient too. just like the other woman who is waiting for something to get better. The men who run these churches are ignorant of the things that women are subjected to behind closed doors. My situation is that he is different in front of them and apathetic at home. He seems so perfect in front of everyone. no one knows what he is really like. He is withdrawn and selfish. If someone comes over he talk and talks to them- he is friendly and chatty- no one would guess he is shut off and shut down in our home.

    • Waiting here, too

      Your situation sounds a lot like mine. I have told my husband that his refusal to fulfill his responsibilities leaves me more vulnerable to sin, but he does not let me see that he cares for my struggles, if he even does. Even recognizing that my fantasies are unrealistic, it is hard not to imagine that my life would be better with a man who SHOWS concern and appreciation for me and who is unguarded about his own imperfections. It is both a joy and a grief to have a friend like this in my life right now, especially as I struggle with what level of friendship is appropriate (super-complicated since he is a friend of my husband’s- and my husband does not have many friends). I am sorry that your church body is not supporting you well. Although my husband is an elder, my own involvement in the church has meant that I have a lot of dear ones supporting me emotionally and through prayer.

    • Broken

      Oh hon, GOD BLESS YOU. You need to think about leaving that church yourself and leaving your husband. Do not give away all your power. Do not let him take the last little bit of you that you have left. You are a PRECIOUS daughter of God – all of you are. And you deserve better. God did NOT create us to suffer. God did not willingly get up on that cross so that He could watch you live a fruitless, dead, empty, horrible existence. He died so that you could live. He wants you to know your value. Matthew 7:6 says do not caste your pearls before swine. You are a pearl. I am in the middle of trying to divorce my husband as well. My situation is much more like Suffered Long’s. Except my husband won’t leave the house and is insisting that I support him financially now because he hasn’t worked for over three years. ENOUGH. It is enough. He thinks I am cold-hearted and un-Christian. I don’t care any more. I know that God loves me SO much and that when I am with my husband I can’t even see God anymore because he sucks everything out of me. So I am taking what is left and will eventually get rid of him (the lease ends in August). I believe God is using this time that I am stuck here to help me see more clearly why I should be gone so that I don’t fall back into this trap with my husband again.

      I can’t even imagine the pain you are in. A woman in our church went through the same thing you are, and praise God she was strong enough to leave. I pray that you too can see your value to God and that you can break free from this torment before everything is taken from you.

    • M

      I feel your sadness Waiting on The Lord. I am hesitant to say negative things about your church, but in my own experience my church was not very helpful. I ended my marriage of 12 years after many, many horrible years of lying, mistrust and revelations regarding secrets from my husbands past. He lied and deceived everyone in public. The porn controlled his life and destroyed mine and my 3 kids. I was fearful for me and my children in the end. No abuse physically but emotionally. Everyone has their own struggles in their marriage. We have one God. My God is forgiving and loving and yes I live with consequences and hurt still 4 years later but I have never been closer to God. I am healing and growing. It is hard on the kids because they cannot know the details, but I have to believe I made the right decision to leave. I am not an advocate for divorce but I was dying in my marriage. I am not sure what would have happened if I would have stayed but I cannot live each day in the past. It only hurts my growth and relationship now. I am living for The Lord daily and trying to have a working relationship with my ex and trying to raise my children to live for The Lord. I pray my post helps encourage you or others. God does not waste a hurt. Also Psalm 84:11.

    • Heidi St. John

      I am so sorry to read this. There are not many things harder than trying to “wait out” a truly abusive marriage. There was provision made in the Bible for situations where there was no redemption possible. I believe that it breaks God’s heart that we do not value our marriages much in the culture but it is equally heart-breaking to see women believe that God would want them to be abused and mistreated. This is not God’s heart either.

      Having grown up watching a terrible marriage play out, my heart breaks for you. Continue to pray and get the help you need. Cling to the Lord. He truly is near to the broken-hearted.

    • CB

      I am so sorry you have had to go through so much pain. I have been so hurt by pornography, adultery, lies, deception, abuse as well. I have also been very hurt by our previous church. When I asked for help, I was told we are all sinners. I was accused of slander when I stated facts about my husband (even though my sole purpose was for counseling and prayer). In the end, my counselors asked for forgiveness and we reconciled but the senior pastor did not and showed no love. He was rude and arrogant. It is sad when pastors do not have any spiritual discernment and are being deceived by charmers and flatterers. I have learned to pray that the Lord would not allow my husband to lie or deceive and that He would bring all darkness into the light. God has been faithful to answer that prayer on many occasions. I continue to pray for God’s will to be done. I find it difficult to pray for my husband. On many occasions, I have to admit I have prayed as David did in some of the Psalms – Lord, punish my enemy. In a way, God’s discipline is what some of these men need. Anyway, I do cling to my Lord who is so faithful. I cannot depend on anyone else to love me. God is more than enough. I am not looking back. Just trying to bring Him glory everyday. He is my rock. I have some faithful sisters in Christ also. I believe every marriage is unique and we need to seek God for direction. Only God knows what is best for us. I know His word says He hates divorce but He also wants our husbands to love us as Christ loves the church. I will pray for all of the women who are hurting. May God bless each one of you.

  • Judy

    I completely agree with GS. This blog post, like so many blogs out there, written by so-called Christian women, ignore the role of the husband in contributing to a marriage. If as this post suggests, the husband is the patriarch of the christian family, and therefore more responsible towards god, wouldn’t it stand to reason that he carries more of a responsibility for his marriage than does his wife? In short Mrs. St. John, you’re reasoning is terribly flawed, and I suggest you look up what Paul has to say regarding marriage in his letter to the church at Corinth (1st book of Corinthians).

    As for what you say about happiness…wow…sad

    • Heidi St. John

      Hi Judy, I wanted to reply to your post about “so-called” Christian women who talk about marriage. Of course I can’t speak for all of them but the vast majority of Christian bloggers that I know are the real thing. Most of them are not into the cultish “patriarchal” vision that some extremist fundamentalists believe, myself included.

      The Bible has more to say about men loving their wives than wives respecting their husbands; but my post was not written to men. It was written to women. Women have responsibility too, and I was speaking to them.

      I have experienced a lot of abuse in my life, and it has made me treasure my marriage more, not less. We cannot know the roads that other people walk. As for my remark about happiness; I’m sticking to my statement because I have learned that as I do my part to honor and love my husband, there is a happiness that comes with it. Our marriage is richer because we bear with each other, not because we demand our own personal happiness all the time.

      Truth is, no marriage is perfect. I’m not condoning abuse but I am saying that for those in what would be considered “healthy” marriages, the struggle still remains. Marriage is worth it.

  • Cliff Clark

    I’m very touched by this article. My fiancé and I have 5 beautiful children hers, mine, and ours together and we have hit a few bumps in the road. There have been times that me being a hard head drives her crazy and vice versus. I love her with all of my heart and I’m truly with my life partner and best friend. Lately I’ve felt unimportant to her and I really believe it’s, because she’s stressed about our living situation. I want to make her the happiest woman alive, but many times I fall short. I won’t give up, but rather continue to pray for us and work on things to improve us. Any advice you could give me or any special techniques would be greatly appreciated. God bless

  • Eli

    I do not think the author of the post is trying to keep husband responsibilities out of the picture, she just happens to be referring to women. This website is called time warp wife and her ministry seems to be to women. She also mentioned about scenarios where women are facing abuse (this comes in many ways as we all know..verbal, physical, cheating, etc.) and this article is not written for these women to live in the cycle of abuse. If you are being abused, I am so sorry for you. My prayer and heart is that you will be set free from the abuse and get to a healthy place. Please don’t read into an article and set all of your value in it. Glean what you need and go to the healer, Jesus, as your ultimate source. Seek sound counseling, get help, and know you are loved more than you can imagine.

    When my parents were divorced, I was fourteen. Literally the day that the divorce was posted in the paper, I got a boyfriend, ended up losing my virginity later that year, and started years of discontentment and abuse. Thank the Lord for His healing and grace! I became a Christian around nineteen and when seeking the Lord to see if I should marry, my dad told me that he fasted for three days when needing an answer from The Lord. I knew at the time that I couldn’t fast because I had been sick so I gave up any media and spent that time really praying. On the third day, I woke up and knew I wasn’t supposed to marry him. I knew I was supposed to go to college to get my nursing degree. Fast forward twelve plus years, and I am married to an amazing man, who is currently doing a three day fast to hear from the Lord- totally a side note there, and we just celebrated our sixth year of marriage this last weekend and are expecting our third little one in May. No matter our circumstance, God is good and I thank him for loving me through the trials and the good times.

    • Elaine

      Thank you, Eli, for saying exactly what I wanted to say. I am a blogger as well and know that there are only so many words that you can ever express at any given time and you just pray that readers will understand your heart and take into account that there are many, many diverse situations that you cannot possibly cover. I agree with you that Heidi did not suggest that any woman should continue to enable or endure an abusive situation, nor would any of us who blog about marriage and relationships. Having said that, I agree with her points that there is generally far too little effort put into making a marriage work and fighting through the tough stuff because people do not see the value in doing so. Sadly, it is just not a part of our culture anymore. I also think part of our failure as a society when it comes to marriage is not carefully considering the spiritual and emotional health of both individuals prior to commitment. Not just the other person, but ourselves. I really appreciate your words on God’s grace for healing of your past and praying for wisdom in moving into other relationships. THAT IS WHAT IS MISSING SO MUCH TODAY!! We often enter into relationships too quickly without considering who we really are and our preparedness for such a sacred relationship. We find ourselves having this heartbreaking discussion over and over again about what do about an unhealthy, unbalanced, unhappy marriage which is a very complex issue with no easy answer, and so little time discussing and learning how to break these awful trends in the first place. We live in a very broken world with a lot of hurting people, so we need more examples like yours to show that we do not have to fall into the same patterns of our past. But, just like the marriage itself, it requires diligence and commitment.

  • T

    I totally agree with the devistation divorce causes. But what about the spiritual devistation of the kids who grow up watching the example of a father who claims to be a Christian but does not live like one. A father who twists scripture & grace to fit his own agenda and uses grace to escape consequence by preaching to his family that is what grace is for, but never changes? What about watching the devastation unfold as you watch your son’s start to model this same thinking & behavior! What about the devastation of generational sin as a legacy! That is a really hard position for a wife to be in. Either choice, brings devastation!

  • Maxine

    This is all fine and dandy for the basic marriage problems and pretty easy to work through if given the proper tools to use. But there are marriage problems that extend and go over the top of just basic marriage problems. In the case of my marriage, people would question my reasons for staying in this marriage. Even I question myself for staying. I even question God why I am still in this marriage and if he really wants me to stay or if I am reading him wrong about staying. My marriage problems are not about an abusive husband or drugs but I will tell you one thing; It’s far worse than those things and I am still not convinced that I made the right choice to stay in this marriage or not. I have been with this man for over 17 almost 18 years now and I never knew about what he did until May of last year. I always thought we had the almost perfect marriage. We never really got into arguments, we learned from the beginning to talk about things and if we couldn’t talk about it then put it into a letter and let the other half read it, think about it and then we would talk about it. We got along great! I believed in my heart of hearts that God hand picked this man just for me. Well that was until I found out what he did to shatter my entire world not even 6 years into our marriage. I did forgive him and I stayed with him because I thought that is what God wanted me to do. But even after 8 month of trying to move on and restore our marriage, I am having doubts if God really wanted to hang on to it…… So, now I am more confused that ever on if I should stay or run…………………….

    • Donna

      I bet our situations are entirely different, Maxine…but I completely relate to your post. I wouldn’t know if this article is useful for women in reasonably happy marriages, as I’ve been miserable (literally!) since we said our vows. I can say that I have grown in holiness being married to my husband…but if I had to do it again, I’d rather be single than married. Never again!

  • m

    Having a really hard time forgiving and forgetting..my husband ovdr the summer cheated on me and made it very public post on fb taking her around mutual friends putting it in my face..he left home and started talking to other girls while i thought we was just giving space to get over an argument then im hit with i want a divorce and im with someone else a couple weeks later he came home realized he made a mistake has said how sorry he is and tries to make up for it.i keep reading things like this article to help me stay strong and fight for our marriage and the devil just wants to keep contantly reninding me of the pain my husband put me through

  • Terri

    There was some good in the article but it left me feeling like it’s all up to the wife to make things work, it takes two. The husband is supposed to love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it. Do you think Christ wanted to go through all that pain and suffering…I’m sure he didn’t since he was sweating blood over it. He did it because He loved us, he gave up everything to give us life. Ephesians 5:28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: 30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. 31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. 32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. I just had a friend tell me that It’s not hard to submit to a husband that is loving his wife the way God loves us! I enjoy doing things for my husband like making his lunch or getting up to get the remote because he doesn’t want to but not when I feel like a slave, not when I’m made to feel like it’s something I have to do or I’m not a good wife and I get a text message that says what no lunch. No I didn’t get up 30 mins before you and get that done or like this morning he was sitting there waiting for the coffee pot to finish and I said I only have 10 mins to make your lunch and finish getting dressed or I’ll be late for work. He never said a word. Very hurtful, drives a wedge if I would have said I don’t have time to make your lunch his response would have been well I guess I won’t eat today. This is not what God’s wants a marriage to be like. Get your bible out or google scriptures on marriage and pray about those scriptures….God always has the answer and he loves you and will lead you in the right direction!

  • D

    DEAR Z,
    My situation matched yours exactly! 27 years of marriage. Until one day midlife crisis struck. Now he is in an affair with his girlfriend from 35 years ago! Affair isnow 1.5 years long. Turns out he has narcissistic personality traits. He has destroyed our children’s hearts. As a well as mine. I put up with all that misery for this! If I had it to do over, I would have mustered the courage to separate as a wake up call to him and make a statement that things needed to be worked on and healed. Don’t wait it out. Then if things hadn’t work out, I wouldn’t be middle aged and starting over. But at least now its clear I can divorce him and find someone else. He cares about no one but himself. Please don’t misunderstand, I love himand was devoted to him and tried to be a good wife. I know I also failed and have learned how to be a better spouse. But you can’t make someone love you!

  • Caroline

    Oh how my heart breaks for marriages. This stuff is so true! Satan knows just where to attack. And what better relationship than the one that should mirror God’s relationship with us. I’m there right now too. Issue upon issue have reared their ugly horns and it is so debilitating. So discouraging. And I lift up my hands and cry out “WHY? I just don’t get it. I’m in a Christian marriage – both of us professing deep faith in our loving God.” Yet, here we sit. A room-mate like lifestyle, not a marriage. BUT, oh how I cling to hope. How I cling to Love. How I cling to God. He has overcome this. I know it, but it is hard in the waiting. It is hard because it’s not just me who needs change, who needs help, but my hubby. And if he doesn’t see it, we’re at a standstill. So, I pray. And a righteous fire risies in me and shouts “NO! Satan – you cannot have this marriage anymore. It’s not yours to have.” That is my prayer for believing couples today. There is a full front attack on marriage. I pray for all the above people who have commented and are hurting deeply. I pray that God will bring peace, hope, love and restoration for all of us who struggle with these things. God is surely good. God is love. He said so and I believe it. My marriage is important to Him. And if my own heart is growing a fiesty fire inside to stand against satan’s wishes, imagine how the God of all creation, the lover of my soul, is seeing this.

  • F.D.

    In total agreement. I wish I could share this with my wife. I am afraid she would get even more angry at me. After almost 20 years of marriage, my wife wants a divorce. When I first read this I wanted to post something, but was afraid she would see it somehow.
    The only good news, is she has not thrown me out. She talked about separation, but I asked her not to leave. She talked about sleeping it separate rooms. But I convinced her not to do that. And we do all this for my youngest daugher. I am not in agreement with separation nor divorce. But I have decided to live on her terms of friendship, as I fight for our marriage. I dont want to give up. I have made many mistakes and have hurt her (emotionally). She was angry with me quite awhile back and I did not understand why or how. We went through a tough time in our marriage and we tried to fix it ourselves. That was the worst mistake I made.
    There was misunderstandings and miscommunications.I now realize that now. I was blinded my the enemy even as we were going to church. The moment we stop going, everything started going down hill. But I did not notice it, until it was too late. I had a angry moment last month and that was the last straw. I am afraid she is talking to someone else or thinking about it.
    I am changing for myself and our marriage. I am seeking counseling and making changes at home. Through counseling I have learned quite a bit. And that I am normal, but need to make changes. All this, it seems, is too late for her. I get small glimpses of hope and then they fade away.
    There is far too much details to put here. But the worst I did was making her feel alone and abandon after her parents death. And that was not my intention. I misinterpreted what she asked of me. I took care of everything else, so she did not need to. But what she wanted was for me to take care of her.
    Satan (bitternes, anger, hate, guilt and unforgiveness) has a stronghold on her right now. I am still praying and believing. I await for healing and restoration for her and our marriage.
    She says she loves and cares for me. But she makes it clear as a best friend and not as my wife. I love her with all my heart and dont want to lose her completely and forever. I ask for your prayers as I cry out to my LORD.

    • Elaine

      Thank you for sharing your heart with such honesty. It is so refreshing to see a husband who is willing to hang in there and keep loving his wife, praying, admit where he’s done wrong, and willing to make the changes in himself to make things better. That seems to be rare. I am not a professional, but a fellow believer and a long-time happily married wife. My suggestion would be to continue to love her and pray for her until you see a breakthrough. Since she says she still loves and cares for you, please continue to meet her where she is. For now, your relationship may be more as best friends and not husband and wife. That’s OK. It can’t stay like that forever; it will eventually cause her to move in one direction or another. As for your daughter, I personally believe it’s far, far better for her to see you as a husband making an effort to win your wife’s heart again, even if it seems ineffective right now, than to walk away. (By the way, please don’t say things that would make her be angry at her mother for your difficulties; you don’t want your daughter to feel like she has to “pick a side”. If/when you talk to her about your struggles, just let her know you’re working through them together, plain and simple.) And keep your bond with your daughter as strong as you possibly can, because this experience will greatly impact her perspective on relationships with men. It’s OK for her to see that male/female relationships are not perfect; it’s how we respond in the times of trouble that make the difference. Your continued pursuit of your wife reinforces that a woman has value and the relationship is worth fighting for.

      • F.D.

        Thank you for your encouraging words. She is truly a gift from God. She is worth fighting for. I pray the Lord give me strength and endurance. And though she gave me a time limit of 5 years to divorce (for our daughters sake). God has the final say so.
        I continue pressing on. I continue to pray and love on her. I have had moments of giving up since she does not return my love and affection. She has been a little receptive to other things but she still guards her heart by not showing she really cares.I have done things I have never done for her before. All because I love her and I am being obedient to God. I asked her to forgive again, but she will not respond. But I understand. I have caused her so much pain. I know it will take some time.
        I am praying she seek counseling or counsel from a Christian woman and not her coworker friends.
        The great news is she is going to church with us, even after she said she would not. But I still think she is somewhat angry with GOD. She did share she feels guilty for not being able to love me like I have been loving on her. On a separate occasion she broke down crying and said she was not looking forward to the aftermath of the divorce. But she allowed for me to pray for her later that night and the nights after that.
        There is more, but I just seek the support of prayer for her, my daughters and our marriage.
        Waiting on the LORD.

  • Ann

    I need someone that has struggled with their marriage. I need some advice – please!!! Married 24 years, two daughters, going through “rough spot” thats lasted “years”. Somebody e-mail me.

    • Kathy

      Ann, I was married for about 14 years to a man that well, there were more rough spots than good ones. The greatest blessing that came from my marriage was my son. But when you watch your husband belittle you in front of your son, you wonder if you are doing the right thing by staying in the marriage…after all, what was my son learning? I could do no right! I ended up having a breakdown and was put in the hospital. I thought, maybe this is what it will take for my marriage to “get back on track”. To make a long story short, I lost my husband suddenly about 13 years ago. Marriage is worth fighting for! We live in a society that is willing to divorce instead of praying to God for the strength needed to see this marriage through and set a christian example for my son and others that are watching & believe me you are being watched by other couples and most of all by GOD. He will meet our every need if we talk to him and put our full trust in him.
      Ann, I will be praying for your situation to become more bearable for you and your daughters. I truely believe there are enough people that will be praying for you right now that you will be able to feel the Lords guidance. Remember, christians are not perfect…just forgiven. From one christian to another, you are a child fo God and you were created in his image…YOU ARE LOVED!
      Ann, please read Proverbs 31:10-30

    • SM

      Ann…I have come across a great website by a Christian woman whose marriage of twenty years ended. She has some great resources and perspectives on her blog. She also has some private facebook groups for Christian women in difficult marriages or a group for Christian women who are separated/divorced. Check it out. http://www.elisabethcorcoran.com. One of her ministries is to try to help the church/pastors see things they can do to come along side the hurting marriages, instead of telling people to pray more, submit more, etc.

  • tina

    I was one of them women that were unhappy and bottled it up. After 13 years of marriage i had an affair. I wanted out and treated my husband horribly..but he wouldn’t give up on us even though i checked out..then one day i realized i couldn’t live without him.. We are now back together and plan on renewing our wedding vows next yea. r..it’s been 6 months since we ” started over” and we couldn’t be happier

    • F.D.

      Thank you for sharing. It gives me hope and I dont plan on giving up on her. I pray she will be willing to renew our vows this July. Trying to get to 20 years and beyond. Keep me in prayer.

  • Corrina Tough

    I am about to have my 25th wedding anniversary and it is not a happy celebration. In fact this marriage would be nothing short of toxic. We have had more downs then ups. The first few years and even when we were dating there were some incidents that should have caused me some concern- but I was young and in love and naiive. Three years in and we gave birth to twins- one of them born with life threatening heart defects and Down Syndrome. My husbands behaviour got steadily worse (anger, outbursts, some physical ones but never enough or often enough for me to feel it was abuse. By the way we are/were both Christians. There were a lot of goodish years but stuff we never saw eye to eye on like how to deal with our Son who has Down Syndrome/autisims behaviours and illness as well as other child rearing issues. He would always tear me down before we tried a new strategy etc Fast forward a few years and we decided to have another baby- bthe twins were nearly 11. This was one of the most joyous times of our marriage and I still look on them with fondeness. My husband stopped going to church arround this time too which saddened me but he seemed ok and I thought it would pass and he would come back. When my oldest daughter (the other twin) turned about 14 her behaviour was going on a downward spiral- I prayed and tried lots of things to get her out of that but instead it became increasingly worse- by 15 she was going missing every weekend for days and we had the police at our place weekly- both my husband and them out looking for her. She was often found in very dangerous life threatening situations and the constant stress was again flaring up the agression in my husband. By now we also had our fourth child who was a baby. This terrible time got so bad at one point I thought my hubby was going to kill her for lying and when I tried to protect her he threw me across the room. To shorten the story- he left us and was not in the family home for 2 years which was a huge struggle for all of us- I was left with four children- one a baby, one out fo control teen and a son with a disability and a toddler. I prayed my guts out and eventually my daughter improved- by then she was legally allowed to do some of the things she had previously done so as a Christian mother and in Gods eyes she still was not walking the path she should. I really struggled with our separation as I was hoping to reconcile after he got help with his anger issues- instead he moved further away from us emotionally. I think in hindsight I should have gone with where it was heading but I fought for the marriage thinking that’s what I should do as a Christian and also I saw what the separation had done to my kids- however, there was a real element of peace now in the home and I had things running smoothly. I fought against his desire to move a few hours away from us and allowed him to come back home. That was four years ago- and I have been living a sheer hell all that time. When I was in counselling during the separation I was shocked to hear her say I had been living for 20yrs in domestic violence- as the physical was rare but the verbal abuse was constant. I never had a bruise to show anyone and all our friends and family felt the sun shone out of him. This verbal abuse has escalated and I cop some of the most terrible things on a daily basis and in front of my kids (youngest is now 7 so very impressionable). I am actually scared- several times in the last year or so my husband has actually punched my adult son who has Down Syndrome in the face and caused a bleeding lip. Once was last year on a family holiday to France and we were in the car so I had no way of challenging the behaviour or getting away. Last year I confronted my husband as I was such a wreck that I was sitting on the lounge all day crying- I asked him to see a GP and he actually did and found out he needed medication and councelling. Unfortuneatley he never did the councelling and it is 8 mths later. His out bursts were lessened dramatically but in the last few months I have felt a resurgence of the verbal abuse against me, and to a lesser degree the kids also. Why do I struggle so much with leaving him? Your readers and even yourself might say- just leave! But I really struggle- I feel frozen like I can’t move- partly because I believe in Gods covenant of marriage and I know the devil has a field day trying to separate Christian marriages, partly because I don’t know how to leave safely and what will become of me with no money and four kids etc At the moment I son’t feel much love towards him but obviously there is love and he is the father of my kids, and I am worried of the affect leaving will have on my kids just as much as staying will. Not sure really why I am writing all this stuff. I haven’t been intimate with my husband for months- can you believe he can abuse the hec out of me one day and then the next day or even sometimes a few hours later sidle up to me as if to say-‘GIVE ME SOME’ and not understand why I wouldn’t want to? His behaviours do my head in! I just don’t know where to go from here.

  • Loving because He 1st Loved Me

    I’m going to apologize right now if this is long, but, I want to tell my story. First off I am going to tell you I have never been physicall abused by my husband nor has he ever cheated on me if he had my story would have changed dramatically God doesn’t want me or any other woman in danger.

    I’m almost 40 years old, married for 15 years to a man from divorced & selfish parents who didn’t teach him how to love, but proclaimed to be Christians. I say this because sometimes we forget that the person we are married to has a past which has shaped their lives & outlook on marriage. Not that they couldn’t or shouldn’t overcome this & see that they need to love differently, but sometimes they can’t. I am a child of a pastor & my parents, who aren’t perfect, on the other hand have loved each other & me for 44 years.

    Now my story……who I thought was Prince Charming quickly turned into a selfish chauvinist bully who believed it was his way or the highway. He believed that I was at fault all the time & I was the problem in our marraige, if I would only do what he told me to do all the time & not give my oppinion (he called it arguing) at all we could be happy, if I only obeyed he could love me. Being quite human I couldn’t see why our marriage couldn’t be two people getting what they needed & both being happy, so I quickly got bitter & argumentative. It didn’t take long before he was calling me terrible names & threatening to divorce me on a monthly basis because that’s what he was taught from his wonderful home life. My pastor Dad has always been there with sound Godly advice, he loved me dearly but didn’t take my side alone. After several years my dad finally told me that he believed my husband didn’t really want a divorce it was just his way of controlling me & told me the next time he threatened me with a divorce to tell him “fine go get one”. I have to tell you it was quite liberating to have that wind taken out of his sail. No my husband didn’t want a divorce, really it was just a way to control & make me submit.

    Unfortunately I was continuing to become harder & more argumentative the longer we were together. I literally often dreamed of the day that my husband would finally give up on me ever becoming his submissive litte mouse & divorce me for real. I believed that God would understand what I was going through & would understand why I now couldn’t submit to someone who was so selfish, angry, unloving & mentally abusive. I took refuge in the fact that I could be an angry, unhappy wife because of what a terrible person he was.

    Then unfortunately the day came someone told me of a book I needed to read about being a Godly wife, they didn’t even know my struggles. I picked it up & started to read it about three times before God started to work on my heart, I quit reading it every time I got to the part about being being a Godly wife even if you weren’t married to a Godly loving husband, it would make me angry & I’d put the book down. I didn’t want to believe I was still responsible & answerable to God someday for being a Godly wife, even if I wasn’t married to a Loving Husband. Finally I did finish reading it & it changed my outlook & my relationship with God (not just my husband). I am believing, trusting & obeying God to see what he can do in our lives & marriage.

    I had to change, to try to become a Godly wife & not my husbands conscience. I don’t believe for a minute God doesn’t want me & every other wife on this to be happy & our husbands loving, God does want husbands to love their wives, but Satan does not.

    Do I deserve happiness, yes I believe I do & I believe every other woman on here does as well, but it won’t come just because I divorce the man I’m married to & try to raise the boys God blessed me with on my own.

    Before you say well “she doesn’t understand how bad I have it,” you don’t understand what I’ve had to endure or forgive either. There have been days I was selfish & wish God would take me home in some kind of accident, but where would my children learn love then.

    I have three sons who I am going to fight & break this cycle for because I want them to LOVE their wives, they won’t learn anything from me being selfish also. They aren’t blind, they see very clearly, it is sometimes easy to teach lessons to them in our home.

    I’m not fighting now for who is right, every battle I’m fighting now is to win the war, which is to raise Godly men who love their wives & children as God intended. My life would be much easier if my husband had been raised by parents who werent so selfish as to not want to Love God with all their hearts, both of them.

  • Angela

    So true! I’ve seen all the things you mention in the article. We’ve had our rough patches in the beginning years. Even had those thoughts of wishing to throw in the towel. But as I’ve grown and matured and read books and listened to teaching I’ve learned so much. Marriage takes work and it’s not always rainbows and unicorns. When the in love feeling ends, that’s where the “love” of doing has to come in. Too many couples bail. It’s not always easy but with God at the center even if there is just one in the relationship fighting with Gods help. Things can work out. Thanks for sharing this blog

  • Sondra

    Great article! I am a wife fighting for my marriage. My husband and I have been separated going on four months now. I pray everyday that God will soften my husband’s heart and bring him home to restore our marriage. In a day and age when its easy to “throw away” things, I am standing firm waiting for my husband. I learned about forgiveness and forgive him for the things he did. Thank you for an encouraging article.

  • JD

    I agree with the three items mentioned here. It’s a realistic view of what marriage is and what it isn’t. When abuse and infidelity come into the picture, than you have a game changer. I am in my 24th year of marriage with a Muslim. It’s not easy, but I focus on what’s right, work on what I can be accountable for, and love the one I am with. I am planting seeds and I’ll pray they’ll grow. God works in mysterious ways. If you are not being abused or cheated on, have faith in your marriage and the commitment. It does take two, so if one of you is in and the other is not, it can be terribly difficult. I pray God will guide you along the correct path.

    My brother’s wife is leaving him because she’s not physically attracted to him after 20 years and 2 kids. She had an affair and he forgave her. She goes on and on about how wonderful he is, but is hyper focused on sex and her lack of attraction to him. She needs some perspective on what a real marital struggle looks like on some of your posts. My ♡ goes out to you. God bless!

  • annonomous

    So when your wife leaves you for another man after youve tried everything including counseling yet she chooses not to respond, then the man she runs off with murders both your kids. Then what? Do you still trust this god everyone seems to speak so highly of? If you are in a bad marriage men leave and take your kids with you women cant be trusted they are way to emotional

    • Anonymous

      Wow! I don’t know if I could handle that and forgive, or take her back. But, God is still God and still loves us. I don’t know why you’ve had to go through what you’ve gone through. But, seek God and He will answer you.

  • Anonymous

    “Marriage is not about happiness. It’s about love and commitment. It’s an opportunity to become self-less. It’s a chance to learn what it means to serve another person with your whole heart.”

    Okay, ARE YOU SERIOUS?
    Way to make women feel guilty about wanting out of a marriage where the MAN has given up. You touched upon neither the alcoholic, nor the cheater. Or do you qualify those as “truly abusive”?

    This article sickens me. “Marriage is not about happiness”? So, marriage is about being the miserable martyr so you can earn your “I stayed married” badge? Where were the words to the lying, cheating, emotionally-void husbands? Oh yes, I forgot all about the misogyny of Christianity.

    • Same Story, Different Outcome

      YES! Amen to that! Maybe the ultimate goal of marriage shouldn’t be ‘happiness’ as, yes, there are other things, and ‘happiness’ can come and go with situations and circumstances, BUT your happiness can and SHOULD be a major concern for you and an attainable goal for you to work toward! That’s not selfish!

    • Heidi St. John

      Yes, I am serious. I grew up in a home where abuse was the norm—and as I said earlier, my article was NOT directed at women who are in a cycle of abuse. Cheating and alcoholism obviously is clearly not okay. I’m talking to women who don’t have valid reasons other than their own feelings to leave their marriage. I’m stickin’ to my guns on this —marriage is not about happiness. It’s about commitment. Most healthy marriages go through ups and downs. I’m referring to healthy marriages.

      It sounds like you have been through a lot. I’m very sorry and I’ve been there too so you have my sympathy. If your husband is in a cycle of abuse, get help. Abuse does not qualify as “normal.” Blessings to you- heidi

  • Quosco

    I think it is as important to look at how struggles or the whole process of working through issues can adversely affect children as well. Staying in a marriage that has perpetual issues can be just as damaging – especially if people are not good at dealing with those issues (which is most everyone) or recognizing or accepting one’s own shortcomings. I actually think people need to do some serious introspection/therapy/classes on what it means to commit your life to someone else – the point behind approaching everything in life with kindness in your heart – even the stuff that hurts deeply – the concept of becoming completely selfless – faith or no faith. All of this prior to ever even considering marriage. As bad as it is that people get divorced so quickly, I think it is just as problematic that people get married too quickly. Just food for thought.

  • Tracy

    Thank you for the wonderful article. You are so right, that it’s worth fighting for… Today my husband and I celebrate 25 years of marriage. Yes, it has been wonderful in so many ways, actually more than I can count. It has also taken a lot of work, and at times that seemed virtually overwhelming. I am so blessed to have had a husband who was in this 100%, so the struggle was evenly shared. To those that are contemplating giving up, all I can say is give it to the Lord… Let him work through you both and wait for the change… Don’t expect it overnight, or even put a time frame on it. Work together to edify your foundation in Him, don’t let the world change your heart. We still have a lifetime of up’s and down’s to share, but I can definitely say that the journey has been a blessing, and I can’t wait to see where God leads us.

  • Martha

    I believe the author did not cover the husband’s roles here because in God’s design for marriage the husband is supposed to be the head of the house and in following true roles of a Godly wife it is not in her place to tell men how they should fulfill their husbandly roles. She is a wife.She has no experience in being a husband. Ask yourself this… what husband do you want telling other men what you as a wife should be doing. She is a wife talking to other wives about our roles. Jesus Himself said divorce was wrong except for adultery, but He also said ifmen looked upon another woman
    lustfully they were already guilty of adultery. I have never read anything in the Bible that tells us God wants us to be happy. It does however say we are to be obedient in all things. Does that mean we are to be mistreted or abused? No our husbands are to love us as Christ loved the church and we are to be submissive to them. That does not mean we are to be a doormat. Every marriage has hard times. It is a constant battle. We have all heard that marriage is 50/50. How can we expect a successful marriage if we are only willing to give half of ourself? There are spouses that are checked out. Some are totally selfish.Some completely unable or unwilling to give any affection. These are times when your choice must be made after careful prayer and thought.Remember you are only accountable to God for YOUR actions and NOBODY else is accountable for yours.

    • iknowwhatudid

      So righteous of you…and 2 years later you became a home wrecker and tore apart a 20 year marriage and ruined his daughters’ lives. You are nothing but a fake Christian wanna be. I feel sorry for your soul.

  • Elisabeth Klein Corcoran

    Sweet women in HARD CHRISTIAN MARRIAGES: Heidi St. John’s post is so good and it is filled with wonderful motivators for working on your marriage in hard times. But I know the pain that you are sharing of being in a marriage that isn’t just hitting a rough patch, but is one long rough patch that leaves you crying yourself to sleep or praying for your death. I lived that for almost nineteen years. And I want to offer you some additional resources, help and hope here: http://www.elisabethcorcoran.com/blog. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. –Elisabeth Klein Corcoran

    P.S. I moderate two private Facebook groups: one for women in difficult Christian marriages and one for Christian women who are separated/divorced. Email me at Elisabeth@elisabethcorcoran.com if interested in joining.

  • Sarah

    This post made me sad for two groups of people.

    1) The men and women who feel called to write and speak words of encouragement and exhortation to couples and then get lambasted by suffering readers. I imagine it is quite discouraging to speak biblical truth to *help* people and then hear from person after person who is emotionally hemorrhaging. I believe this is mainly due to a mixup of audiences. The people who need to hear this truth are probably relatively emotionally healthy and have what I would consider to be relatively minor marital struggles (lack of communication, ignorance about love languages, etc.). The methods written here are right on for those couples and will have great impact for two people who are working together to improve their marriage.

    2) The second group — who pulls at my heartstrings even MORE — are many of the people responding. I can feel the pain dripping out of their words. These people’s marriages are slowly bleeding to death, and a blog post like this one almost feels like a slap in the face, like putting a band-aid over a gaping wound. I’m in this second group. I have already done all of the things suggested in this blog. I have been an eager, loving, willing Christian wife. I have fasted and prayed and begged my husband and God to partner with me. I have been sexually exciting and available. I have hidden God’s word in my heart and not neglected meeting Him in the secret place.

    But I am the wrong audience for this type of blog, and there’s one simple explanation:

    My husband is not REPENTANT. He does not listen to my cries. He does not care that he is slowly killing me and our marriage. He blames everything on my being “too dramatic.” He commits the same offenses (pornography, verbal and emotional abuse, affairs) over and over, every time giving lip service to change but no action. He attends church and is a very charismatic person, fooling everyone but the people who know him best — me and our daughters.

    I believe that REPENTANCE is the secret to understanding whether you are in one of two groups. The first group, who is moving toward healing and redemption and who is the intended audience for this blog, or the second group, who is rightfully moving toward separation (and possibly divorce, if separation doesn’t bring repentance).

    God himself mirrors this distinction for us. His LOVE is unconditional (God will love even the people He casts into hell), but his FORGIVENESS is NOT unconditional. It is dependent upon REPENTANCE. Which is why hell exists in the first place, for unrepentant sinners.

    In my experience, those who are continuously unrepentant and manipulative generally have a personality disorder. (A simple google search will be incredibly eye-opening if you suspect this is true of your spouse.) If your spouse is continuously unrepentant in their abuse of you, is unwilling to listen to your cries for help and seems uncaring that they hurt you over and over again, find a counselor familiar with personality disorders!

    Unfortunately, for those of us married to these people, the wonderful, true and godly advice given in most marriage blogs simply does not apply. No amount of effort on your behalf is going to change your spouse. If you have been in an abusive marriage for a long amount of time (me: 15 years), you already know this to be true. Your spouse’s heart is basically impenetrable and all of your marital woes are blamed on YOU. Hearing the church say that you just need to pray more and suffer more for the sake of your marriage and children is basically a second betrayal. (The first by your spouse and now this, from the church who is charged with caring for you.) But PLEASE don’t take it personally! Your church is sincere and they *are* giving godly advice to what I would call “normal” struggling couples. You are just the wrong audience!

    Scripture is clear about how unrepentance should be handled. Matthew 18states that certain steps should be taken, including private discussion, counseling and a decision being made by the leadership. (And personally, I don’t believe this has to be your deacon board, but a group of mature Christians who know both of you and understand the truth of your situation.) After these steps have been taken, the unrepentant person is supposed to be cast out of fellowship (your marriage! by separation) not out of anger or spite, but so that they can really taste the consequences of their decisions and hopefully be brought to repentance by the harsh reality of their sin. If this occurs, and after repentance has been proven OVER TIME by a changed heart and behavior, only THEN do you consider reconciliation.

    (Please note that forgiveness is commanded by God DESPITE the state of repentance or unrepentance or whether reconciliation occurs or not. This is for the sake of your OWN heart and has nothing to do with the other person!)

    Forgiveness is mandated despite the outcome, but reconciliation is dependent upon REPENTANCE.

    I don’t know why we treat unrepentance in marriage any differently than unrepentance in any other situation — maybe because we think of marital issues as more personal and private? and because the church has latched onto the fact that God hates divorce, elevating that one scripture over and above the fact that God ALSO hates abuse and adultery — and possibly even more so!!!

    Personally, if you are living with an unrepentant spouse who is unwilling to hear your heart let alone be an engaged partner in the health of your marriage, you are probably reading the wrong blogs looking for hope and guidance. I strongly suggest you research personality disorders (my soon-to-be-ex has Narcissistic Personality Disorder but there are a few others as well) and look for a Christian community who can address it from that unique perspective.

    And by the way, scripture says in 2 Timothy 3:2 that the end times will be marked by people who are in love with THEMSELVES, abusive, try to act godly but have no power over themselves, etc:

    But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. 2 People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4 treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.

    6 They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over gullible women, who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires, 7 always learning but never able to come to a knowledge of the truth. 8 Just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses, so also these teachers oppose the truth. They are men of depraved minds, who, as far as the faith is concerned, are rejected. 9 But they will not get very far because, as in the case of those men, their folly will be clear to everyone.

    Sorry for the dissertation, but I felt inclined to defend the blog authors as well as offer hope to those of you who are suffering.

    Blessings to each and every one of you!!!!

    Married to My Knight in Shining Armor, Riding on His White Steed — My Lover Who is FAITHFUL and TRUE!!! Rev 19:11

    And I saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse; and he that sat upon him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he doth judge and make war.

    Sarah

    I am doing more writing on Christians and Narcissism at google blog SarahPhrased and you can reach me there if you would like more information.

  • Happy I finally divorced..

    I truly understand and admire the posts and articles you make about marriage, but I also have to say that I feel you’re encouraging women to stay in marriages no matter what. It’s a very gray area when it comes to what justifies a divorce and I am sad to see that a lot of what you write makes women feel bad if they want a divorce and likely makes them feel that extreme abuse situations are the only reasons for leaving. How sad for those women. And how sad for the children being raised in that kind of environment. I was with a man for 13 years and was completely opposed to divorce as I went year after year being miserable, lonely, and depressed. My ex husband didn’t beat me, cheat on me, or lack in how he provided for our family financially. But he was emotionally abusive and controlling and I wished every single day that I could be out of it. I grew up in a religious family and prayed for years that God would change my situation, but nothing changed. As my children grew up in this unhealthy environment, my daughter started having behavior and depressive issues. My son started talking down to me, just like his father. I finally fell apart and filed for divorce. My ex husband did everything possible to torment me through the divorce and afterwards. I hate what he’s put my kids through but I don’t regret getting out of that marriage. And any woman who deals with an unhealthy or unhappy marriage for years needs to get out of that situation also. It’s easy to encourage women to “stay” when you don’t know what it’s like.

  • K

    I married a man of God my second time, who was raised catholic and by the grace of God, led to Jesus by myself. This man fights for me just as much as I fight for him…you really need a guy that respects God, respects marriage and respects you. It won’t work if one of those is missing.

  • charity

    If you are in an abusive marriage- mentally, emotionally, physically or spiritually I highly recommend:
    the emotionally destructive marriage by Leslie Vernick

  • Alice

    This article, and many like it, strike me as exceedingly strange. I disagree that there’s a big target on the back of a Christian marriage, and with the whole concept of “Satan”. There is surely evil in the world, but it comes from de-attachment from God, and the Holy Spirit inside all of us; truly, that is hell. Therefore, I believe people can, to some degree, experience hell on Earth. Having no significant bond with one’s husband outside of one of sheer duty, sounds like it could be an isolating emotional hell.

    But it depends on the woman, of course, and expectations going into marriage. Often wealthier men will marry women who, at the time they married them, are youthful and look exceptionally great. They will have similar values and such, and for a time all will be well in the marriage. But, the man, as he ages, will have sexual options, and if the woman does not have any kind of employment outside of raising the children, he may, in certain cultures, take her “for granted”, especially as the one commodity he actually most values in her – her appearance – renders less “market value”. Typically, men who achieve a lot of wealth probably did so in not so ethical ways, so it’s no surprise they bring this lack of ethics at home – even at the expense of their own children, excusing this as a right they’ve earned. Most likely the wife, then, will keep quiet, loving her children, trying to preserve an image for them – because, presumably, she might actually be a good human being.

    Anyway, I’m surely making generalizations here, but, here’s a thought: if a man and a woman are in a more equitable relationship – say, they both worked for a while, or both went through poverty for a while, or the man doesn’t have excessive earning capacity – well, wouldn’t these problems more or less naturally fall away? A man can’t very easily take for granted (and behave like a brute, whose actions need to be associated with Satan, rather than his own inner weakness, and lack of compassion) – if he doesn’t have the female version of sex appeal: namely, money.

    I always wondered of beautiful women going after high-income men – did they not realize the statistical trend they might fall into? I wondered if on some level, even going into the marriage, the women were on some level saying “OK, I accept this risk, because it’s convenient, and I don’t fully love you with the passion I would love my children anyway.” I’m not saying it’s bad – I just wonder if this Satan thing is then an after the fact cooping mechanism for these women.

    Me, I’ve had the good fortune of having been fat and ugly in my youth, so I had no other choice than to work hard and establish a career, and help my also poor husband do so. I often look on the other side of the fence – the rich people – and I wonder at times if it’s actually better being middle class.

    Just thoughts.

  • Erinn

    Your advice works if both people are invested in the marriage. In my case my husband threatens to leave every time we have an issue. This time we’ve been separated 10 months trying to work things out, and now he’s ‘out’ again. This is our third separation and probably the 30th time he’s flip flopped on whether or not he wants me since we got married 3&1/2 years ago. I now have biblical reason to leave, as he stopped being a Christian after we got married. 3 marriage counselor’s, 3 separations and now I have no more love in my heart for him. I don’t hate him, I’m not angry… I just no longer care. It’s sad that this is happening, but at the same time I am so very grateful that it will be all over soon. I’ve finally had enough. I’ve tried everything, prayed incessantly, but I’m finally realizing I’ve been trying to work with a brick wall all this time.

      • Darlene Schacht

        I didn’t write this article, but I’m certain it would be in reference to this verse, “Matthew 19:9 – And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except [it be] for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.”

        In some cases a spouse will leave his wife/her husband and start a married life with another. Or in some cases one spouse is unfaithful and wants to continue down that path without repentance. They want both a marriage and lovers on the side.

  • Anonymous

    Id would argue that the man whose marriage ended after 30 years doesn’t yet understand the freedom he’s gotten back for himself. Marriage in America has become nothing more then a voluntary prison for men. The courts, lawyers and feminazis have stacked the decks against men and we shouldn’t be marrying ANY woman in the first place until it gets fixed. The risks vs the rewards are simply not worth it. Even in christian/church circles, this moronic “Jesus Feminist” movement has cast its dark cloud over what was once good (marriage). Good for him….he’ll wake up one morning and realize just how free he has truly become.

  • bljc

    As I have read through so many of these emails, it strikes me as rather odd that many are not talking about the reason that so many women cannot (or will not) leave: lack of finances. If many of the women above had the means to have an income that equaled or surpassed their husband’s, they would be gone. I certainly felt that way at one time, and looking back, I am glad that I did NOT have the $ needed to support our family. About 7 years ago, I was betrayed quite badly. There had been other incidents in our marriage but the one that came to light devastated me. My children were all grown (with the exception of the youngest) and they wanted me to divorce, but I did not. I never thought I could forgive, but I have forgiven him. And truthfully, I am hoping that when we go before God, He will be able to see that I truly tried to embrace forgiveness. And my husband has truly tried to change. Although he does not attend church, he still believes. We still have our problems but we have worked through the great majority of them. Our 35th anniversary is coming up very soon. When there are problems (whether they be great or small), each of us have to sit down with our spouse (as a couple) and break down the negatives versus the positives. If the negatives greatly outweigh the positives, we as couples need to see a marriage counselor. Oftentimes a marriage counselor who is affiliated with your religion can hear both sides and can analyze whether or not separation or divorce is the best option (and maybe neither is). But that should always be first and foremost. Any religion that does not advocate divorce in cases of severe abuse (physical, mental, emotional, sexual or ALL of these) or murder or forced rape is indeed not a religion that I would ever want to be a part of. But, having said that, we should remember that marriage is ordained of God and so all avenues should be undertaken before a couple (or half of a couple) just decides that divorce is the only answer. Surely you and I cannot judge ANY of these women who have poured out their hearts for compassion. Judging is best left for God and ONLY God.

    • Darlene Schacht

      That is an unfortunate situation. If he still wants to be in the marriage then I would definitely be working it out and fighting for him. If he doesn’t want to be in the marriage any longer, then I would be praying for him. Well, in both cases I would be praying.

  • Faith

    I’ve noticed no one is bringing up the other reason for divorce. There’s a verse in the New Testament written by Paul. I can’t remember which book but I know it by heart. It states that if someone is unequally yoked to an unbeliever and that unbeliever wants to leave the believer it says to go ahead and let the person leave. The Believer is not held in bondage to that marriage . It states if the unbeliever is happy to stay with the believer then to stay together. I would also like to say that after reading a lot of these posts I’m seeing, I don’t believe that most of these husbands are Christian or ever were in the first place. Most people in this world who say they believe really don’t. They are religious and show up to church but that’s it. So many people professing to be Christians are unsaved. No man who daily abuses his wife and neglects her to the point of a break down can say He really believes. Jesus said you would know people by the fruit they produce. Someone who continually produces bad fruit and is unrepentant is not a follower of Christ.

    • Darlene Schacht

      Thanks for sharing Faith. Here is the verse you are referring to, “And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.” 1 Corinthians 7:13-15

  • Never Give Up

    Wow! reading all these comments makes me simply want to apologize to women on behalf of all men…. for the immense pain and heartache we repeatedly caused you! and the devastating effects our non-action is causing generations of individuals to question what love really is. I am a man who is learning the hard way that I surely have put my wife through a similar hell over the past 6 years! I never was physically or verbally abusive, i took care of my family financially and helped out raising my kids with equal effort but I know now that I caused her great anxiety and pure hell emotionally…. because I failed to open up to her and lay down my weaknesses and trust that she would accept me! so here were are now…….divorced for a little over a year and she’s now starting to see someone else!! as much as it hurts to see and accept …. and all my friends and family urging me to move on and start dating again too………my heart keeps saying to never give up on her! that she’s worth the fight…… it’s just difficult dealing with the thoughts that i’m simply not accepting reality and am I in denial or is this feeling truly a leading of the holy spirit! I’m continuing to pray that God leads me to reveal everything that I need fixing in my life and his wisdom to guide me …. and I pray for each and every one of you…. that you all find peace and joy through this journey! be blessed!

  • I am so sorry

    I have been married for twenty years to my high school sweetheart. We were in our early twenties when we got married. The marriage started off very rocky due to insecurities and immaturity on my part. I realize now that I was not a very good husband to my wife. All I knew how to do was work and provide for her financially. I was emotionally absent throughout the marriage and only considered my own hurt and troubles. I didn’t listen to her cries for emotionally support. I stop putting effort in birthdays and special occasions. I didn’t make her feel like I loved her. I shutdown because I felt unappreciated for what I thought I was doing for my family. I was so wrong.

    About a year ago she decided that the love for me was finally gone. Then, about three months ago she had an affair because someone else gave her the attention and emotionally connection she desired. She told me that she ended the relationship because it was wrong and not because she loves me. After finding this out, my anger issues caused me to lash out verbally and now is affecting my children. Nothing physical but it has created an environment of tension and frustration which the kids detest. I have two boys ages 17 and 15.

    She wanted a divorce and wanted to stay together until she is able financially to leave. Being in my feelings, I could not accept this so I pressured her to leave as soon as possible. Now she is on her way out with my boys and I realize that every thing I love is gone. She has calmed with the divorce talk and says that we just need to be apart while she works things out. She is so cold and distant towards me since I found out about the affair. I am constantly getting mixed signals from her about us.

    She has told me that once the kids have adjusted and she figures out what she wants, she will let me know. I have apologized for everything I have done and not done over the last 20 years but I don’t know if that will ever be enough. I truly regret my mistakes and are willing to do whatever I need to do to save my marriage but she is so disconnected from me. Its like she is not the same women I married. Should I wait on her indefinitely to later be disappointed?

    Please pray for me and my family.

  • dshook

    Thank you for this posting. My husband of 1 year (dated for 4 years) decided last Thursday he wanted a divorce. Truth is, he is mentally ill. He is addicted to pornography and this has ruined our marriage. He is a Christian, but is floundering in his faith. He was emotionally and mentally abused as a child. He seeks approval constantly and is falling into a deep hole of depression. We will begin the road to recovery as friends. He is to see a psychiatrist soon. My daily prayer is that the Lord will get a hold of his heart and that he will become mentally healthy. I refuse to give up on our marriage while he is unhealthy.

    The world tells me that there is something wrong with me for wanting to “rescue” this man. The world tells me that I will be miserable for the rest of my life. But my God tells me to have hope. My God tells me that He restores and works good through all things. I choose hope. I choose my husband and I choose to walk this journey to healthy with him.

    This post was so encouraging to know that it is okay for me to fight for my marriage. And that God can work through the messiest of situations.

    I choose hope.

    • Darlene Schacht

      dshook, you are a gift. If he is treated for depression it can make a world of difference for both of you. I pray that he will find peace and healing. I also pray that your marriage will be restored. There is always hope.

  • Kathryn

    My husband just told me this past weekend that he has been having an affair since last summer and that he “loves” this woman. He also said that he loves and cares for me and always will as the “mother of his children” (we have 3 under the age of 10), but that if he stayed it would only be for our kids. He also refuses to cut off contact with this woman. I’m not ready to give up on us, but how do I fight for our marriage when he doesn’t seem interested in saving it? I just know I could never look my kids in the eyes without guilt if I don’t do everything I can to keep our family together.

    • Darlene Schacht

      I’m so sorry to hear this Kathryn. That’s devastating. I think that being open to forgiveness and reconciliation is doing your part. You can’t control someone else’s choices, but you can continue in prayer for them.

  • Anon

    It’s easier said than done, when you are married to a selfish, arrogant man, who blames you for all the problems in the marriage yet refuses to take any responsibility for the role he plays in the marriage not being successful. Who blames you for the fact that you have no kids. A man who goes and comes as he pleases, does not provide financially yet sits back and waits for you to provide. A man who puts his family first and calls you names at the detriment of his marriage. A man who does not fear God and every time you tell him that you are fed up he tells you that you can go ad that you pressured him into the marriage when in actual fact he was the one pressing for the marriage. I wish I never got married, the biggest mistake I ever made was marrying the man I did, one that I have lived to regret every single day of my life. I am tired of praying to God co it gets worse. I made the biggest mistake of my life getting married, to the selfish, arrogant, wicked man that I did.

  • Jessie

    These words have greatly touched my heart today! I have been married for 3 years in my relationship for 4, recently we had a conflict over where to live as he got offered employment out of state. I am praying for forgivness for being as hard headed as I was during this situation because I honestly wasnt listening to hear I was listening to respond. I had a fear that I will never get the chance to tell my husband this because he told me on New Years that he thinks we should “go our seperate ways”. At first I was devistated and distrot and then I just hit my knees in prayer tears and all! I have found such a sense of peace since that moment a reconnection with God that I never thought I would have. I feel the Lord fighting for my marriage right there beside me so I dont feel alone or stupid for holding on because God has shown me that my marriage is just as important to him as it is to me and that if I am dilegent and faithfull to this these trials will turn to reward in my marriage. This article helped me feel not alone in this fight as I dont have anyone to talk to at the moment besides my two young children. My son is already taking this seperation very hard and I pray that God will bring him peace as well. I tell him to pray about it when he gets sad or misses his dad. I know in my heart that my marriage is not over I dont know when or how it will be restored so I pray for patience until that day comes but I am 100% commited to fighting for this I will continue in prayer and just take one day at a time, I wonder are there any available resources to help guide me at this time? I have read some online articles and my Bible but nothing has touched me the way your message has! I thank you so much for sharing God meant for me to stumble across this article to remove all doubt from the plan I know he has laid for me!

  • DM White

    I was touched by the article and some of the replies. I was sadden by some of the replies as well. I feel at times we all have taken things read heard in the wrong context due to personal struggles. Some situations are worse than others others better than others yet any day above ground is another chance to strive for better days weaping shall endure for the night but Joy comes in the morning.

  • mary

    i must say thanks and God bless u for giving this courage out here. U just made me change my mind for good. I actually reached my breaking point but still wondering ‘is there anything remaining to do’.
    With my Lord Jesus, i am standing strong and in the gap for my marriage, my generations and the world of christian marriages. Amen

  • Lori Brewer

    Thank you for your article. There are extreme cases as I have read above but I know you were talking more to the individuals who aren’t in an extreme case and just want to throw the towel in. If we could only remember what we fight against…we forget that all the time. Satan does want to destroy the marriage and his reward is the children. My husband and I were just telling our son that who is going through a tough time in his marriage. I was awaken last night with FIGHT, I need to stand in the gap praying and fighting for them. When I found your article I know it was meant for me to forward to my daughter-in-law and son. I loved the ending of your article…..FIGHT! Blessings.

  • candace

    My husband and I just passed our wedding anniversary and there was no celebration. We been together since 2009 and married in 2012. Yes it is supposed to be a joyful time but my husband decided he wants to be single and coparent with our two year old. This has been a rollercoaster relationship since we got married. He will disconnect with me around the end and beginning of the year. Last year he wanted to get a divorce saying he is not mature enough for me. My husband have a lust issue that has hurt me a lot after we married. We have seek counselling before with our pastor. He doesn’t talk to me about problems that he is having but instead he confined in different females. I tell him he hurts me when he doesn’t talk to me. He say that things would have been better if we were friends longer before we got into a relationship. I don’t understand his disconnection because I have always been their for him. What ever he needed I provided. I love him unconditionally even when he felled short. I truly care for him and been with him through his condition (epilepsy). I make sure he takes his medicine and if he can’t get it I get it for him. I was there for over eleven seizures and stayed by his side and took care of him. I done so much for him. Every time he gets in his emotions he tell me I’m a great woman but he won’t fight for me. He said he never been in a situation where he has to work so hard (I’m his 1st serious relationship). Every time things get rough (money, stress) he gives up on us. I believe marriage is scarce and I believe what God put together nothing should separate. I don’t want to give up on my marriage but at the same time I’m tired of being pushed away. I don’t want to be the stereotypical young marriages don’t last long or money leads to divorce. I put so much in to this marriage but I don’t get the same back. Since we been married we have yet to really celebrate our union. I am lost right now and I don’t know what to do

    • Darlene Schacht

      Candace, I’m so sorry to read this. My heart goes out to you. There are times when we don’t know what to do. There aren’t any simple answers. I pray that you will talk to wise people who will encourage and pray with you. I pray that you will find peace in the midst of this chaos.

  • David Macri

    Your post is encouraging. My marriage is in trouble. I have contributed to the demise of my marriage with impulsive and inappropriate behavior. I am praying for my wife everyday to not give up on our marriage. I am flawed. I have battled addiction and I am addressing all of my issues so I can be a better person first. I miss my wife and took her for granted on multiple occasions. I feel our marriage is repairable. I have faith our marriage will be restored. I love my wife. She has been hurt repeatedly throughout her life and I am the one person she felt would never “be just like everyone else.” I want my wife to be happy even if it is without me. I prefer to be a part of her life. I have let her go with the faith God will redirect her back into my arms. My heart belongs to her and I will not give up on my wife even if my wife feels our marriage is not worth fighting for. Please pray for us as I will pray for all of you. God bless and thank you for the inspiring post.

  • Randy

    I am a husband… Thanks for the posts!
    I would say … the last time I saw my dad I was 2 yrs old. I am now 41 yrs old. Growing up a day I asked my loving mother about my dad constantly. Although my mother was a strong beautiful women, had us all 4 in great schools, gave us great love my father was missing. I wish I had a relationship with my Bioological father. My mom found a wonderful man to replace my father but He was not my real father. He was a man just like my father with the same issues and struggles. As “big” consequence my relationship with my Heavenly father suffer because the connection with the Biological father was never there…

    I have spoken with other divorce kids and many say the same regardless if the biological father was there after divorce or not. No other wonderful man or women is able to bring the blessing of learning the good and bad from my own father. I had a wonderful replacement but it was not my father!
    Divorce kids have told me – ” Man, it was terrible to see my dad picking us up on visitation days or having my wonderful stepfather sharing his life stories with us. I wanted to hear my own father.”

    The blessings and magic of marriage bring unique bonding with Heavenly Father… I now attend to a men group and a divorce group in preparition to my own divorce since my wife is divorcing me, and there are so many men and women fighting for their marriage to stay together- women and men understand this the struggles of one marriage are the same of another; it is not greener in the other side. Keep praying and looking for godly counsel so your struggle can be handle with the love and power of God. Go to a church where you can grow, dont stay in a church where you do not grow or do not see marriages being restored. Why people stay in churches for 10-20-30 yrs and see no miracles happening… Get to a place where you can see marriages restored, where you can see people healing from disasters, etc

    My wife is divorcing me for all the same reasons that another marriage is fighting to stay together. The same issues I heard and discussed in the men group and divorce group and of course the same issues that I heard from healthy marriages. People – think about it there are high percentages of men and women fighting with online pornography… 70% in man and about 40% in women higher for women in erotica novels such as 50 shades of grey…what a waste of time on both sides! Well the point is that the pain we all have is not different from one another but we must pray and find peace in God. Expect miracles from God not your husbands or wives. Speak the truth in love not hate, be honest with one another, have prayers and plans for anything and everything. Be an example to other marriages to other causes. Your first ministry on earth is with God and if you are married is with your spouse. have due diligent – if God entrusted you this person to marry you is because many good things will happen… It is not greener on the other side…
    Guys if you reading this – man up and as God to teach you how to love your wife; buy books, read the bible, get on a bible study with a married man to teach each other how to be unselfish and live for God in your marriage.
    Women- the ball is on your court! I recently met a married woman who complained about her husband – he does this, he does that, he is not good; how draining this woman was- I guess she thought she was perfect so I suggested to look and read ” the fellowship of the mat”. So for everyone who is searching for a greener, happy and humble place in their life that is a good start. Once we understand that everyone seems normal until we get to meet them then we can go on with our lives as we should. It is not greener! It is not green-R…!
    It is not about you instead it is about 300 yrs from now- your generations to come should say ” thanks for sticking together, for fighting for your marriages, for being kind to one another, for not discrediting my grandpa’ or grandma’…
    If you think that Satan is fighting you for you please pay attention he has being fighting you 60 generations back… If you dont believe me look back!

  • Paul

    My wife and I used to have great sex, we made love, however due to financial stress my wife never wants any intimacy or when we do its out of obligation and always has to be a quickie! What can I do to help her? She thinks it’s ok to keep saying no but it’s really hurting me, far more than she thinks! Any suggestions will be very welcomed.

    • Darlene Schacht

      Paul, you’re not alone in this. There are many marriages where one partner or the other has a lower sex drive. It could be due to any number of things, including – as you suggested- stress. Unfortunately I don’t have experience with this, and wouldn’t even know where to start as far as advice goes. I would however suggest checking out Sheila Gregoire’s website, “To love honor and vacuum.” Sheila writes on the topic of sex often, and might have some articles or advice to encourage you. http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com

  • PatsyOMG

    oMG. Walk a mile in my shoes. There is difference in being lonely,when you live alone., than being lonely when you live with someone who does not speak to you and encourages your three adult daughters to do the same. I have been a stay at home mom and raised these kids pretty much on my own. Including a daughter with bipolar disorder. Now all of a sudden mom is the whack job after a severe accident. I am alone everyday. Sometimes it is best to split, but I have not worked in years, then did part time then had an accident in 2007. I think I will get screwed financially. I was looking for honest legal advice from others who have been through this, not a oh save your marriage crap. Physical abuse is not the only kind of abuse.

  • Jv

    Heidi,

    I will stay in my marriage though I suffer. Jesus suffered on the cross and its the knowledge of what he sacrificed for us that allows me to continue. I take care of myself, I say all the right things, I dote on her, I stand on my head and its never enough. For her, the kids are the only priority and I get table scraps. But yet, I trudge on; begrudging a sexless, passionless woman who has no appreciation for the MANY sacrifices I’ve made. Why? Because I know that the kids will be healthier in the long run. Because one man willingly allowed himself to get nailed to a piece of wood and die on it so that we might be saved. Because I know that the hard right is always better than the easy wrong. Because I hope that I pay the price for my sins and that my kids will be spared this misery in their lives.

    • Darlene Schacht

      I pray that your children will be blessed through the sacrifices you make on their behalf. The obedience to Your faith will never go unnoticed by the One who sees and cares for you.

      Praying also for a miracle in your home.

  • Rich Homiak

    What are you saying, man? I realize everyones got their own view, but really? Listen, your blog is neat. I like the energy you put into it, specially with the vids and the pics. But, come on. Theres gotta be a better way to say this, a way that doesnt make it seem like everyone here is stupid!

  • VJ

    It’s really sad to see all the misinformation thrown around on this subject. What I’ve learned from your article is that God doesn’t want people to be truly happy or follow their hearts. God wants people to suffer….to TRULY suffer and stay in a loveless marriage. Poor Jv has no realization that HIS KIDS WILL LEARN FROM HIS EXAMPLE. How tragic that this man feels stuck in his loveless, sexless marriage!!! Guess what, people….YOUR KIDS KNOW WHEN THEIR PARENTS LOATHE EACH OTHER, and by staying in a lousy marriage, YOUR CHILDREN WILL STAY IN THEIR LOUSY MARRIAGES, because they learned that from you! Years from now, poor Jv will realize that HE WASTED HIS LIFE, and spent all these years being unhappy, whereas if he divorced, he could teach his children STRENGTH, and find a woman who REALLY LOVES AND APPRECIATES HIM, and can MAKE HIM HAPPY, and SET A PROPER EXAMPLE FOR HIS CHILDREN. I find it very hard to believe that God expects people to be miserable, when they have a way out, and can be happy and also set an example for their children that staying in a loveless, sexless marriage FOR THE WRONG REASONS is the best way to ruin your life, and the lives of your children. Nobody should feel like they have to stay when they are being emotionally abused like Jv is. Praying for him won’t help him, but giving him REAL advice, like how to find a good divorce lawyer and a good psychologist would be very helpful.

  • Tobey

    Wish my wife would read this and I mean really read it, with her heart open and not hardened. We are about a week or two from being officially divorced and it scares me and my eight year old daughter. Any advice?

    • Darlene Schacht

      Tobey, we can’t change a person’s heart, but God can. And so I encourage you to pray fervently during these next few weeks for a miracle. We serve a God who can raise the dead. The power of life is in His hands.

  • Tee Bluebird

    You are so right. I am struggling with some serious marital problems. The things that my husband did were despicable. I don’t know how he could even look at me. I have been giving for over 40 years. All he does is take and destroy. We have 4 children who lives are in shambles as well. He now says he is sorry and expects me to forgive and forget about it. I am a strong Christian and I have turned to my church family for support. We are trying to work it out one day at a time. It is hard coming back once your heart has been ripped and torn into pieces. I know how Humpty Dumpty felt when he fell off the wall, how do you pick up all the pieces. Is it possible?

    • Darlene Schacht

      I’m so sorry to read this. What a terrible situation. 🙁 I’m so glad to read that you have a church family that’s helping you get through this. I pray that God will guide you in wisdom and strength.

      You can heal from this, but will it be in your time or according to your plan? Probably not. It’s only when we truly trust in His sovereignty that we find lasting joy and peace.

  • Johan Ruiz

    I totally agree with your article. I just want to say that men as well as women have to struggle in their marriages. I also suffer the bitterness of a fight or even facing a divorce. And for us (men) marriage is also is a covenant established by God that is worth fighting for. Thanks.

  • Felice

    My husband and i married later in life, at 40, and he had travelled more than he ever did before. He’s gone for weeks on end sometimes and that’s kind of nice because I was single till 39 so I am comfortable alone. The problem is we waited to move in together till after marriage and we have never bonded intimately or spiritually since marriage because he’s never around for more than a week at a time. He’s also a very guarded person who wound tight and doesn’t relax much. When there is a chance to “connect” he opts for knocking something off his list of to do’s. It has been 10 months and I am starved for affection and attention. I maintain well enough and I talk to him about my feelings but at what point do I accept that he just doesn’t want what I want?

    • Darlene Schacht

      Felice, as you learn to grow together you will also learn to communicate your problems to him. He needs to understand that you are hurting and what your needs are. My prayer would be that his ears would be open to your needs and that he would be willing to meet them. As for accepting that you have different wants or needs – you can do that anytime, but it doesn’t mean that you give up on working to meet each others needs.

  • Jane

    Great article and so true! But both parties have to understand how precious marriage is and both parties have to be equally willing to move mountains to fix things when the train is about to derail. Sadly, my 40-year marriage ended in divorce this summer because my ex continually tended more to the “greener pastures” around us than he did to watering his own yard. After he left, I tried for 3 long years to effect reconciliation, but it was like rowing a boat with one oar… nothing but going in circles with a lot of heartbreak mixed in. Our marriage counselor said my ex had built “a bridge to nowhere” and he didn’t want to get off. Thank goodness our children are in their 30’s now, and better able to understand. But I can tell they see life differently now and have been irreparably harmed. The good news is, God has blessed me abundantly from the first day I woke up in our big bed alone, with steadfastly loyal friends and family, excellent Christian counsel and more recently, peace.

  • Amanda

    I came across your article today, in a hope to find a woman’s community that is praying for their marriage. 3 Weeks ago my husband said he wanted a divorce, “we are no longer compatible, he can not be himself with me anymore and I’m no longer the person he married”. I’m standing firm NOT to give into divorce and that God would change both our hearts. I don’t think this valid a divorce according to God’s word. I’m the one who wants to stay true to our covenant and am praying that God will really change his heart, open his ears and eyes, but more so that he will seek God for answers. Please pray with me?

    • Dee

      Hi Amanda
      I am just coming across this article today. I pray that your marriage has been restored. If it has not I will pray with you through your stand for restoration. I too have heard the same words from my husband. He did file for divorce, but then decided to stay married. He filed again, but once again he did not go through with it. I’m still standing and trusting God to restore us. It’s difficult, but I have a better relationship with our Lord because of this. My faith has increased and I long to read my bible for wisdom and encouragement.

  • Renae

    This past November 2015, my best friend for the past 12 years/husband for 6 years came back from his first year long military deployment, completely moved out of our house, filed for divorce without any closure/explanation, and zero communication. I was served divorce papers in December at work. At court, in early March 2016, my husband’s attorney told the judge that he has moved on and is in another relationship even though we were still legally married. The judge denied my request for marriage counseling. As of March 17, 2016, I received the worst email in my life, that we were officially legally divorced in our home state. As of April 14, David officially posted on media he’s in another relationship along with pictures of him with his new girlfriend together during his deployment while we were still married. As of June 26, 2016, my husband got engaged to his girlfriend. July 18, 2016 is our anniversary, and would have been our seven years. Actually, we officially started dating back in 2004 (12 years) in high school and have been close friends since 8th grade. My heart is beyond broken and I still pray God will reconcile us as impossible as it seems. I feel so rejected, abandoned, hurt, and lonely.
    I will forever remain faithful to David and I’ll never give up, as love never loses hope, is always patient, and never fails. Please pray for God to show us the way back to each other. “For the unbelieving husband is made holy through his wife…” (1Corn.7:14).

    Dear Heavenly Father,
    Please hear my hopeful childlike prayers and have mercy on us, if it be for Your glory and Your Holy will…

    I beg and ask all the Holy Saints, Apostles, Martyrs, Servants of God, Blessed’s, Venerable’s, Holy Angels, Holy Souls in Purgatory, and our Blessed Mother Mary to be intercessors in prayer for me and our marriage and bring my loving tearful prayers to Jesus and our Heavenly Father.

    Into Your hands Lord, I fully commend myself, David, our marriage, minds, bodies, souls, spirits, sufferings, and our hearts to You Lord to do with as You please since David and I are no longer two but one

    Guide David and I to repent to You, turning away from all sinful lifestyles, thoughts, people/influences, and actions. Father, please allow David to see himself as You see him and create in him a hungry desire to come back and be able to receive Your loving grace and know nothing is unforgivable to You

    Sprinkle Your clean water on David, I, our marriage, and our families and wash us clean

    Be a wall of fire and a Divine Seal of Protection around David, I, our marriage, and our families

    Be a Divine influence like You did Hosea’s wife (Hos 2:6-7), Block David’s path with thornbushes, wall him in so he cannot find his way that leads him away from You, me, and our marriage. While David chases his lovers and sinful lifestyle he will not catch them and will not find satisfaction, happiness, or peace until he returns to You and our marriage

    Holy Spirit dwell, move, and flow inside David, I, our marriage, families, and friends. Help David to be willing, teachable, and obedient to You

    Help David and I to daily wear the full Armor of God (Gird our loins with truth, Put on the Breastplate of Righteousness, Shod our feet with the preparation of the Gospel of Peace, Take up the Shield of Faith, Put on the Helmet of Salvation, and Take up the Sword of the Spirit) to stand firm and walk in Your faith and victory

    Open the eyes of Davids’ heart and let the light of Your Truth flood in; Speak to David and I loudly and clearly: Open our minds, body, souls, spirits, hearts, ears, and eyes to be open to Your truth; Cure David and I of any spiritual blindness and deafness

    Guide and direct mine and David’s steps and position us to where You want us to be: Help David not to rely on poor ungodly, worldly advice and that the novelty of his current lifestyle wears off quickly

    Touch/Heal mine, David’s, and our families hearts with Your love, grace, and mercy so that we can be born again with a new faith/love and a new heart that hates evil; Create in David, I, and our marriage a clean pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast, faithful, and loyal spirit within us

    Examine and control mine and David’s hearts, spirits, tongues, emotions, actions, and feelings daily

    Holy Spirit grant and increase in David and I the power of wisdom, integrity, strength, courage, grace, and perseverance to be able to start to change the areas that need to be changed and to survive and surpass this trial/suffering in our marriage. Help David and I to love You obediently no matter what

    Send a Heavenly messenger or mortal Christian disciple to influence David to repent and to see/hear Your voice of reason/truth, to help David realize something is wrong, and that he needs to return to You. Please let nothing block/stop David from repenting and turning back to You and our marriage

    Teach David and I to love You 1st, 2nd each other unconditionally and always remain faithful to our marriage vows

    Help David and I to ALWAYS be a “Friend of God” who fears and glorifies You, respects, accepts, obeys, fulfills, and surrenders daily to Your Holy will

    Help David and I to mature in You and mold us to be Your disciples; Mold me to be the wife You need me to be for David and mold David to be the husband You need him to be for me

    Help David and I NOT to lean on our own understandings and to be wise enough to see and know the devil’s traps/lies

    Remove mine and David’s heart of stone and give us a new heart of flesh; Heal our broken hearts, bind our wounds from pain and sorrow, and remove all negative memories, actions, and words from the past; Knock down and destroy the walls of silence, pride, lust, guilt, and anger; Open the doors to love, forgiveness, communication, marriage reconciliation/restoration

    Remove everything from David, I, and our marriage that is NOT of You and Your will; Deliver our marriage, David, and I from Satan’s stronghold and influence

    I wholeheartedly forgive ALL who have hurt/injured us in the past, and I mercifully ask for pardon from all whom I have hurt

    In the name of Jesus, I command, bind, and rebuke all evil forces, Satan, bitterness, hate, curses, silence, rage, anger, hurt, hostility, grudges, slander, envy, jealously, malice, impurity, lust, infidelity, fantasy, greed, guilt, shame, selfishness, lies, pride, unfaithfulness, stubbornness, unbelief, doubt, revenge, rebellion, punishment, addictions, PTSD, depression, anxiety, fear, worries, hopelessness, our divorce, separation/division all diabolic infestations/oppressions, sinful desires/temptations, harmful friendships, and negative internal and external mortal influences to LEAVE David, I, our marriage, heart/homes, and family forever and NEVER return!

    Please quickly guide Your lost Prodigal son, David back to You, our marriage, and our home

    Fill and cover David, I, our marriage, and families with the Protection of the Precious Blood of our Lord Jesus Christ; increase in us unending love, holiness, obedience, forgiveness, fidelity, compassion, patience, maturity, wisdom, strength, courage, kindness, fortitude, understanding, piety, meekness, gentleness, integrity, good counsel, humility, chastity, perseverance, self-control, clarity, joy, grace, peace, faith, hope, trust, and mercy

    Flood David’s mind with all of our good times, happy memories/moments, loving words, and the sacred vows we made to You and each other and allow him to forget the bad, pain, hurt, guilt, and shame

    Please reconcile, restore, renew, and rebuild our marriage with YOU and each other on the solid rock of Jesus Christ

    Thank You Heavenly Father for Your trust and the promises of Your Word. Thank You Father for Your boundless, enduring love that has power to change and transform us to be like You. Thank You Selfless Father for pouring Your love into our hearts through the Holy Spirit. Thank You God for the privilege of blessing me, Your child, with the opportunity and grace to obey You and stand for our marriage vows. Thank You my Only God, my first love, in advance, for rebuilding and reconciling our marriage, changing our hearts, and bringing David back to You, the Catholic Church, and our home. I love You! It is in Jesus’ name I pray with unending thanks, Amen. Jesus I trust in You!

    I miss David, my best friend, my soul mate very much. Please pray David will quickly come home so we can start our restored marriage and start a family. Please pray God will touch/heal his heart and save him. Will you please pray with me to save our marriage?

    Thank you and God Bless,

    Renae

    Yesterday, July 18th would have been our 7 year marriage anniversary.

  • Dee

    Hi Renae,
    My heart goes out to you. I too am still standing for my marrige. It will take a miracle from our Father and I have faith that it will happen. I can relate to missing your best friend. Never in a million years would I have imagined I’d be in this place. I have been standing three years. It never gets easy…it hurts everyday…all day. However I’ve learned to deal with hurt differently. I no longer allow it to hold me captive…(somedays it still does). I have a better relationship with God, I’m reading and studying my bible more, and I’m attending church regularly. I’ve grown spiritually and I’m a much better person all around. My faith in all situations is bigger than it’s ever been. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through and I pray for God’s strength daily. Contine to pray Renae and trust God. Only our Lord can save our husbands from the enemy. Don’t harden your heart. Always remember God loves you both and wants to restore your marriage. Pray for your husband’s salvation. Pray for the other woman’s salvation. Allow yourself to grow through this. I know it’s hard, but with God nothing is impossible. I don’t know if you know about Rejoice Marriage Ministries, but they send emails of testimonies of marriages being restored. They have a website too. It’s very encouraging to read. I mean some are truly divine intervention! I will one day be reading your testimony! Stay strong doll and seek our Heavenly Father. I love you and will be lifting you up in prayer.

  • CP

    I received this email from my soon to be ex husband who is trying to convince me to come back to him. I have struggled, cried, screamed and felt just about every emotion this year. I met this man in church, thru a divorce recovery class. My first husband was verbally and physically abusive, I left him after 5 years. So when I met a Christian man, I certainly didn’t think I would be divorcing him 15 years later. He cheated on me 4 years ago, I stayed with him with the encouragement of my mother and his family. Then last year I visited my best friend in Washington state, calculating the time difference, my husband was in a hotel room with escort services before I even landed. He said he walked away. I then visited my family for Christmas the same year without him, he again went to a hotel room with escort services. We were sleeping in separate rooms, he started coming in at 3:30am. I found out later he had slept with a woman he said was only a friend, while we were living under the same roof. Now he’s asking me to forgive him constantly. My trust in this man is completely gone. I absolutely believe he is a narasitic, pathological liar. There are other underhanded, sneaky and dishonest things this man has done, I just addressed the infidelity because I can not understand why he feels like I should forgive him and come home. It’s absolutely mind boggling to me.

    • Darlene Schacht

      CP, forgiving him, doesn’t always mean that you open a door. You can forgive someone by leaving the pain, the retribution, and the hurt in God’s hands. If he isn’t repentant (turning away from his sin) then keeping an open door may condone and further encourage his behaviour. I encourage you to consult a counsellor who is experienced with these situation and can offer you Godly wisdom and advice.

  • http://www./

    Lisa, I always learn something new reading your blog. I never thought about second hand drinking as harmful in the way we all accept that second hand smoke is. It’s an important issue.

  • kredit ohne boni liste

    I’m a vegan and I find it offensive. Using scare tactics on little kids …. pretty pathetic. Being vegan (for most people) is a choice and we shouldn’t try to force that choice on anyone else. Inform perhaps. Provide information – yes. But trying to freak kids out? Give me a break.

  • http://www./

    Top article-“Home resales have hung up because rates are high and because mortgage money has been scarce,” -I thought the big RE selling point has been that rates are historically low… buy now before rates go up is what I hear. Plus- isn’t the primary problem overpricing NOT interest rates??? The Fed’s move “may hasten the day when we finally find a bottom in housing.”Here’s bottom #108! how many bottoms are there? “Bottoms here! Free BOTTOMS! get your bottoms HERE!”

  • http://www.foresthillsgolf.net/

    I have just recently discovered a love for quilting. I HATE patterns of any kind. So I prefer to make things up as I go. I love modern quilts that look nothing like my grandmother made. My birthday happens to be Oct. 1st. I will keep my fingers crossed that I win.

  • http://www./

    This looks like such a sweet book. I know my girls will love it. We read a lot of Christmas books and spend a lot of time playing with our fisher price little people nativity to capture the true meaning of Christmas.

  • May Debra

    At last my happiness is restored by a spell caster called OGAGA KUNTA. I am May Debra from the UK. i want every one on this site or forum to join me thank OGAGA KUNTA for what he did for me and my kids. I was married to my husband for 5 years and we were living happily together for this years until he traveled to Brazil for a business trip where he met this prostitute who bewitched him to hate me and the kids and love her only. when my husband came back from the trip he was not playing is role as my husband and he became a stranger. He traveled to Brazil every month. I was so confuse and i was searching for a way to get him back . One faithful day I was browsing on my computer i saw a testimony about this voodoo priest OGAGA kUNTA. The testimony highlighted his powerful magic and the good it can do. According to the post it cure CANCER, HIV/AIDS, BRING BACK YOUR EX LOVER AND STOLEN MONEY. I was surprise and ask myself “How come the world does not know about this voodoo priest” but i was desperate so I gave it a try. I contacted him through the contact information i saw on the post. (ogagakunta@gmail.com ). He responded when i contacted him, i explained to him my suffering and he assured me that i will find solace with the help of his powerful magic. I gave him the go-ahead to start work and a week later my husband arrived from Brazil and humbly came to me begging for forgiveness. I was speechless for a moment before i gave him a kiss. Whoever is interested in contacting this voodoo priest please, do not let fear or doubt stop you. contact him via: ogagakunta@gmail.com

  • Susan

    And when your husband tells you that, after twenty-three years of marriage, he doesn’t love you anymore, he moves out, and you find out he’s living with another woman? What do you do then? Do you try to get him back? Or do you just throw in the towel? We have a minor child and cannot file until we have been separated for a year. She and our adult children are all devastated. I am devastated. Somedays I want him back, and other days I do not. Somedays I just want to blow my brains out, because the pain is unbearable.

  • Cassy

    My husband was flirting with another woman. i was jealous and it made us argue all the time until he vanished away, I was desperate to get him back, I wasted so much time and money trying to get my Husband back, I tried almost all possibilities to have him back and nothing worked. I became lonely for 2 years. To make it short, I found a spell caster Dr Mack. i saw the good testimonies about his wonderful work and after reading the Testimonials, I decided I had to try and give it one last shot. After the spells, a miracle happened, my husband came home. it was awesome, anyone who needs help, should email dr.mac@yahoo. com He is the best. whoever need help should contact Dr.Mack . 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

  • Rimjhim Aggarwal

    Incredible blog post to be sure! To be honest, in order to make your relationship a good one you need to struggle a lot and at a regular interval. Fighting for your relationship reveals the positive mindset of the wife, and she can walk on the fire to make her relationship alive, happy, and most importantly loving. One must fight for his/her relationship on any ground and never give up. Many thanks one again for your awesome advice…!!!

  • Amy Jo Johnson

    When my spouse left me,I was praying for marriage restoration. I was given the opportunity to get my Ex back by the help of Dr. Mack, He took the obstacles out of the way. i want to say a big thank you to Dr.Mack for what he has done for me for giving us a reason to smile after all that happen when my lover left me but since contacting Dr.Mack, l can boldly say my lover is back to me just within 48hours, Am short of words on how to say thank you for saving my relationship. contact Dr Mack for relationship problem at Dr_mack@yahoo. com“.,,,

  • Jessica

    I was in total despair when I found Dr. Todd. My life was going terrible and I didn’t know if I was coming or going. I had just gone through a rough divorce, wasn’t making enough money to sustain me and my children, and my 17 year old son had just gone to jail for the first time. When I talked to him, I immediately found a sense of peace. He was very honest with me and I could feel that. He also told me that everything would be okay. After my work began, things began to change. My bills were all caught up, the relationship I was in became much stronger, I was never FLAT broke, and my son was released from jail earlier than we expected!! I also completely got over the failed marriage and began to move on. And, received a better position at my job which will cause an $800 per month increase!! I felt completely comfortable with the work that was being done because I was always encouraged by Dr. Todd. manifest spell cast@gmail.com is the BEST!!!!

  • charlotte keagan

    Hello viewers, I living in South Africa My name is Charlotte Keagan I am very happy to share this amazing testimony, i was hurt and heart broken when my husband left me with our two children, i was confused and didn’t know what to do, i loved him so much, i tried all i could to bring him back but to no avail, on one faithfully day as i was coming from work i met a friend of mine whom i explain my problem to, and she told me of a spell caster called “Dr Sambo” whom also make her pregnant when she was looking for a child, i contacted the spell caster through the email she gave to me, and the spell caster told me what to do and i did exactly as i was told, to my grates surprise, my husband who has not called me for a very long time, called me and start apologizing for all the wrongs he did to me, and now he loved me more than ever before, brothers and sisters if you are passing through any kind problem contact him and i give you 100% guarantee that he will solve your problems. this is his contacts divinespellhome @ gmail. com or divinespellhome @ yahoo. com

  • joe vee

    I am writing this comment with tears of joy. My marriage fell apart after 6 months because my mother In-law asked my husband to divorce me and marriage the woman she betroth to him as his wife. All this drama started happening in our marriage and my husband left me and our one month baby just so he could do as his mom wants him to.I was in tears and shattered for 6 months because I could not imagine my whole life crumbling in front of me. I could not continue with work and baby responsibilities so I quit working. Things became more difficult until my best friend advised me to meet a love doctor that fixed her marriage with a RETURN LOVER SPELL that works as fast as 12 hours after casting the spell. I concord and decided to contact this spell doctor and guess what. My husband came to my mom house with his family in less than 12 hours after casting the spell. Even his mom came back asking me for forgiveness and also to reconcile with my husband who left me. They have been coming for the past 3 days and now everyone is asking me to take him back. I am so grateful for what this love spell doctor has done for me. I am thinking of accepting his apologize and move on as family just as my mom advised.Anyone who wants their lover back should write to love doctor on Love Spell doctor on lovespelldoctor0 @ gmail. com God bless you as you find your happiness through this testimony.

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