Guest contributor, Jeanette Woods: A Moment With MOM
Part 1 – Is God Silent?
Part 2 – Overcoming Pornography (today)
Part 3 – When I Don’t Feel Like Being Intimate
As I started this series it was important to me to answer the most common questions I get asked. Today, we address an aspect that is very personal and has put a strain on many Christian Marriages. Pornography.
1 Peter 2:9
Instructs Christians on how to behave: But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light;
Pornography and all that goes along with it is part of that darkness that we’ve been called out of. It has no place in the Christian marriage.
Pornography will undermine the foundation of your marriage. Remember, Proverbs 19:14? A prudent wife is from the Lord. Prudent was defined as, “acting with or showing care and thought for the future.” We must consider what we are allowing in this blessed area of intimacy within the Christian Marriage.
When I talk to women about this subject, finding common ground on the devastating impact of pornography isn’t the issue. The issue most often comes down to the fact that either the husband or the wife (Yes, wives struggle in this area too!) are struggling with the shame and addiction of pornography. It has impacted their relationship to such a depth that often the very foundation of their marriage is crumbling!
Many times they clearly know that what they are doing is not shewing “forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light;” Yet, they are unclear how to develop thoughts that are Biblically accurate.
First, let me say that if it is your spouse that struggles in this area, there is Hope!
While we may find it difficult not to “weigh” sin. God says that all sin leads to death. You can pray for your spouse and this issue of pornography just like you would want your spouse to pray for your struggle with gossip, slothfulness, or not honoring your parents.
Secondly, I would encourage you to show respect toward your husband while you remain pure in your conduct. Even unsaved husbands can be won to the Lord, not by our words, but by our conduct. We have a great responsibility to the Lord for how we behave!
1 Peter 3:1 Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct
Lastly, I want to encourage you to be patient. Overcoming sin in our lives can take time. It’s God that does the restoration work. We know we can’t do anything good on our own. It is God alone that will complete the good work that He has begun. We must be confident in His ability and His timing!
Philippians 1:6 Being confident of this very thing, that He which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:
Five Tips to overcome pornography within the Christian marriage:
1- Confess! You must first acknowledge that your actions are sin
2- Create a system of accountability in your life with people you can trust and be transparent with
3- Remove all temptation as you can, but remember temptations will always present themselves. It’s how we respond to those temptations that is critical! Make sure you turn the other way!
4- Get in the Word. It is only God’s Word that is promised not to return void!
5- Repent day by day! If you fall, don’t stay there.. get back up and strive to do right!
I know that in the midst of the struggle, sometimes our confidence can tire. Often these personal struggles remain unspoken until they have taken a toll on the marriage altogether. Don’t isolate yourself! You are not alone!! Do not grow weary in well doing! Get connected with women that will love you and support you to love your husband in a way that shews forth His praises.
Because of His love,
Mrs. Joseph Wood
A Moment With MOM
Jeanette has a passion to encourage women through the sharing of real life, everyday moments. Sharing glimpses into her life on the topics that matter most to her; marriage, family, adoption, special needs parenting, homeschooling, and thriving physically and spiritually as women. She enjoys playing her cello, reading, writing, and living a small homestead lifestyle, including the making of cheese when she has extra time. Jeanette is the mother of 11 children and a grandmother to three little ones so far.
Visit Jeanette on her blog: A Moment With MOM
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I would like to add to this, with 19 years of personal experience. This is not something he can overcome himself. He will try and will get better for a time, but just like any addiction, it’s there, just waiting for him. We recently returned from a week long visit to Heart to Heart with Dr Doug Weiss, and it was amazing. His eyes were finally, fully opened to his addiction. I’ve seen the changes each time pornography/chat lines came in to his life, the change when he promised it was the last time (yes, I really did want to believe him!) and this is different. He’s allowing God to move in his life. He gained amazing tools that week that just have not been out there publicly.
He has to be in an accountability group of men, preferably ones who KNOW and understand this addiction. Sex addiction creates amazing liars and he needs other men who can see through his lies and call him on it. This is not you, sweet wife. You can know how he is doing and if he’s struggling, but you do NOT need the details of it.
You also have to heal. You have been hurt so deeply and you need a group of ladies you can share this with. Who either have been there, or who are so well grounded that they will not judge you OR your husband. Sin is sin.
Good choices: Pure Desire ministries has groups all over, SA, SAA & S-anon. I’m sure there are others, but don’t believe the lie that he can fix this on his own. That’s exactly what the enemy want you – and him – to believe.
Love to you all!!
Corinne, thank you for adding to the discussion. I appreciate that you shared your wisdom and experience.
I was a faithful wife for 31 years to a man who was consumed by alcohol and pornography. This was a very successful business man as well as a leader in our church. But, he had a secret life. Unfortunately, it didn’t stay secret, and in spite of my prayers for God to deal with him and not let me know about it, God chose for me to always find out. It literally destroyed me, and the last incident sent me over the edge. In an effort to go to sleep and wake up in Jesus’ arms, I took a handful of a plethora of pills. But, God wouldn’t let me die. I spent seven days in the hospital where doctors worked night and day to save my life. After I left the hospital, I continued to stay with my husband and trusted God to heal him of his addictions. God had another plan and on Oct. 25, 2010, my husband died suddenly of a widowmaker heart attack. I died figuratively the night I took the pills and have never been the same. I have remarried, but I ask God every day why I am stilll here. I am as dead here on earth as my husband is in the grave. Pornography kills!!!
Cris, your story is heartbreaking. I couldn’t even begin to relate to your pain. Even though you don’t know your purpose, there is one. I pray that He will continue to heal and strengthen you.
Hi Darlene,
I have been engaged for 4 months now and am getting married in 9 month’s time. I am currently quite confused if I am actually ready for marriage. My fiance, has been working interstate for the past year, and comes back once a month to visit. He used to be a bible study leader in church and preaches at times as a guest speaker. Recently, i saw some things which have torn me to down, making me think twice if i am ready to actually get married. So, i chanced upon his emails and found out that he has been purchasing sexy lingerie which i find very inappropriate at this stage. Almost 2 years ago, i also found unopened female sexy lingeries in his room which really shocked me. I am quite shaken that he’s recently started purchasing these items again. When i questioned him about the lingerie i found in his room before, he said he had bought them for when we get married. But in my head, i’m thinking – it is so wrong to buy them when we arent even married, Plus, going through these sites would arouse him as well. I just get very upset thinking about it. Also, i recently found out that he has even bought some sexual items online as well.
I guess he has been struggling with these issues, but i really dont know what to feel. if this is normal for even christian men.. I feel confused and broken.
C, I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I encourage you to take the extra time you need to get to know each other and to resolve these issues between you. It’s better to wait than to make a commitment you’re not 100% ready for.
Hey Darlene,
Thanks so much for this post. I was pleasantly surprised and encouraged to see solid, biblical counsel. Unfortunately, many professing Christian bloggers offer little more than pop-psychological solutions. So many men have been disappointed and led astray by these empty offers of freedom.
I was a porn addict for years until someone came into my life who had real discernment. He saw what was I was becoming and he decided to help me. He searched on the web until he found a place called Pure Life Ministries (www.purelifeministries.org). When I arrived on their Residential campus in Kentucky, I was a dead man walking. But God…
The process was not easy. The Holy Spirit began by shining the spotlight of revelation on my inner man, and I was devastated by what I saw. Sure, I was a nice church guy who led worship and had a lot of people singing my praises. But God? He saw a self-centered, haughty, manipulative, self-righteous hypocrite. I went from thinking that I was a great guy to honestly wondering if it was even possible for God to save me.
This began a process of crying out to the Lord in desperation for the mercy and grace that I knew only He could provide. With the help of my counselor (who had come out of sexual addiction himself), I fought through the grip of pornography addiction and found absolute freedom. Praise God.
Anyway, after the program, I never left 🙂 I am currently on staff here and thought you might be interested in knowing that we exist. We minister to hundreds of men and women every year, and God setting many people free.
God bless.