Intimacy in the Christian Marriage – Part 3 of 3 – When I Don’t Feel Like Being Intimate
Guest contributor, Jeanette Wood, A Moment With MOM
Part 1 – Is God Silent?
Part 2 – Overcoming Pornography
Part 3 – When I Don’t Feel Like Being Intimate (today)
Intimacy in the Christian marriage, part 3 is as important as the first two posts in this series. Quite often, I hear from women the question, “What do I do when I don’t feel like being intimate and he does?”
Okay, so we’ve probably all been there at least once in our marriage. We’ve battled toddlers with tummy bugs, cleaned up the bathroom floor more times than we can count, had unexpected tasks that demanded our attention in the midst of it, the laundry baskets are overflowing and the sink is somewhere under a pile of dishes. We determine that we’re going to accomplish the basic survival tasks for the day and go to bed with a clean house and happy family! As we plop ourselves down in bed at the end of it in exhaustion, we hear our husband’s request for intimacy.
Communication is a HUGE component within intimacy. It’s important that we can clearly communicate our needs to our husbands and that they can communicate their needs with us. As with so many other areas of marriage it’s about each party giving to the other for the better of that person and the sacred union they share in marriage.
With that said, it’s important that we don’t deny our spouse of this time of intimacy very often! In fact, the Scriptures say:
1 Corinthians 7:5
” Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.”
What’s interesting about this passage in 1 Corinthians is that it says, “Defraud” ye not one the other. This word defraud comes from the Greek word, apostereō, which means to defraud, spoil, or rob.
When we consider the actual meaning of this word, defraud, we can see the danger in not being honest with one another through intimacy. An example of this fraud would be pretending we’re asleep. Or what about the danger we put ourselves in when we spoil this time of intimacy with a bad attitude? Or simply rob our spouse of intimacy all of which can lead to the dangerous undermining of our marriages!
Not only being available for our spouse, but cheerfully available, is vital to a healthy marriage!
We know that we can’t do anything good on our own. We are deceiving ourselves if we think it’s really us that makes us create a delightful marriage bed. That too is only the work of the Lord! Let me give you some tips to help us make sure we’re keeping our eyes on the Lord and activity aware of what we need to do to protect this area of marriage so that, “Satan tempt” us not for our “inconsistency.”
Devote this time to consistent prayer!
Walking in patience and unity in this time of marriage, is just as important as walking in unity with finances, child training, or other issues of creating your “home” atmosphere.
Remember the passage we talked about today and consider practical ways to apply the truth and be ever aware of the warning!
I was listening to Michelle Duggar share about this topic recently. She said something to the effect of this; Anyone can iron my husband’s clothes, or answer his calls, but it’s only me that is blessed to serve him in this area of his life. She went on about how she’s used that thought to remind her, throughout the years, of how in this one area she is the only woman who satisfies her husband!
As we consider this passage in 1 Cor., as we really ponder the application of the meaning of “defraud” as it’s used in this verse, I believe all of us can see areas where we can improve our response to intimacy when we’re exhausted. Don’t let the enemy have any room to undermine your marriage. Be active. Communicate! Be purposeful in having a thriving marriage!
With much love,
Mrs. Joseph Wood
A Moment With MOM
Jeanette has a passion to encourage women through the sharing of real life, everyday moments. Sharing glimpses into her life on the topics that matter most to her; marriage, family, adoption, special needs parenting, homeschooling, and thriving physically and spiritually as women. She enjoys playing her cello, reading, writing, and living a small homestead lifestyle, including the making of cheese when she has extra time. Jeanette is the mother of 11 children and a grandmother to three little ones so far.
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11 Comments
Sheri
Really, a Michelle Duggar quote? I really don’t think the Duggars should be giving advice to anyone after everything that’s been going on with them recently. This is the last time I will be on Darlene’s blog. The Duggars are trying to spread their cult-like views everywhere. Read up on things like the ATI, blanket training, and how they blame the victims of sexual abuse before you start quoting any of the Duggars. And why would you sign your name ‘Mrs. Joseph Wood’? You don’t have your own name?!
Joyce
I have struggled with the desire to be intimate for almost 75% of my marriage. It’s not just that I don’t want to be intimate, but many times the very thought of it downright repulses me! We’ve only been married three years and have two children. It started when I first became pregnant. It was like a switch flipped and I had no desire for intimacy. Same thing with my second and now, almost seven months postpartum and my desire has been limited to a handful of times.
Darlene Schacht
I’m so sorry to hear that Joyce. I hope you have discussed this with your doctor. Since it was turned off like a switch, perhaps it’s hormonal.
shevrae
I wish a discussion on intimacy included more than sex. After 17 years of marriage, a counselor is finally helping my husband understand that there is a lot more to the concept and our marriage has been changed so much for the better. I spent years reading blogs that told me that if I just made sure I had enough sex with my husband, his natural response would be to love me in return and engage in the other types of intimacy that my heart craved. But it turns out he had no idea how to do that – he thought that the fact that we were having better sex more often meant that things were just great between us. After years of trying harder and not getting a “natural” response in return, there was a serious breakdown in our relationship. A year’s worth of counseling and soul searching on both of our parts is starting to heal some of the pain of miscommunication. Marriage takes both people being willing to do the hard work – there’s no “natural” about it.
Lysa
Please do not reference anymore Duggars regarding anything Christ centered. No Godly encouragement coming from them.
Ekaterina
This is a great reminder. I had a friend once say that we need to always be there for our husbands so that no other woman can work her way into his life.
Sheri
So would you say Anna Duggar is to blame for Josh Duggar’s infidelity because she wasn’t ‘joyfully available’ enough to him?
Amber
I am very thankful my soon to be husband does not feel this way. He was angry when he heard Michelle Duggar’s advice. It made him sick. I am very aware that physical intimacy is a need for a man. I also know that sometimes when I’m a little tired I should go ahead and do it. I am NOT going to do it every single time he asks no matter what like Michelle insisted. My soon to be husband doesn’t want me to either. He said this type of advise is abusive and he wouldn’t be a real man if he expected me to follow it.
Sally
That’s fine, don’t love him physically when he desires. Don’t expect him to open up emotionally of him to talk to you every time you want to talk.
But of course, when we look at it like that, that would be unloving of him. Yet, if it’s sex, it’s okay to deny.
It’s selfish to only satisfy his needs when you want too.
Amber
I should also add we are waiting till marriage. I just reread my comment and realized it sounded like we were already intimate. We are not but when we are married and do begin that, this is how he feels.
Brittney
Jeanette,
Thank you for your post. My husband and I had not had sex until we were married. I was so excited and looking forward to everything with him. But from day one something was wrong. I seemed to very very oddly have no intimate desire. A couple months into our marriage we found out I had thyroid cancer. That was quite the ordeal. Then we had to deal with radioactive iodine and all that comes with that and intimacy as well. Long story short – after many tests and thyroid replacement therapy – I still have a very hard time with intimacy. I love my husband and desire very much to be intimate, but my mind or body or something has issues and often it is like I just can’t!! It’s very hard for me to know my husband feels undesirable because of me. He understands – but come on! He shouldn’t have to feel like he isn’t wonderful and pleasing and desirable.
Anyway. I really appreciate your encouraging post. I also appreciate the Duggars. Even our righteousness is as filthy rags. The struggle is very real. Fortunately my struggle with sin is not broadcasted everywhere. If Christ hadn’t had mercy on me where would I be? Certainly not being forgiven and set free.