Today I’d like to introduce you to our final monthly contributor, Renee Swope of Proverbs 31 Ministries. She’s here to inspire us with her writing and has also offered us five signed copies of her book, A Confident Heart Devotional. Welcome Renee!!
I grew up in a family of multiple divorces and marriages led by strong women. When I got married, I had serious hesitancies when it came to following my husband’s lead. Honestly, I was afraid if I submitted to my husband I would become a doormat and lose myself in the process.
About a year after we got married, J.J. told me it was easier to just let me lead because it wasn’t worth the argument to him. Ouch!! You’d think that’s what I wanted – to get my way – but it wasn’t because my husband had become apathetic.
I knew our problem was mostly my fault. J.J. had wanted to lead, but when he tried I would often criticize how he led. Yet, I knew Ephesians 5:33 tells wives to respect their husbands: “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” (NIV 1984)
So, I started praying God would change J.J. and make him easier for me to follow – that he’d be more decisive and lead in a way that gave me confidence to follow him.
One day, God strongly impressed on my heart that my fears and doubt were fueling my need for control. And my criticism wasn’t getting me any closer to my desired result. In fact, my frustration with J.J. only contributed to his doubts about his ability to follow God and lead our family.
God also challenged me to keep my mouth closed when J.J. did something I did not like or led in a way I didn’t want to follow. Instead I was to make every effort to encourage my husband’s leadership by telling him things I admired and appreciated.
I started looking for and finding things in my husband that I had barely noticed before. Each day I would point out things I respected about J.J., and let God take care of things I didn’t. I made choices to honor him in big and small ways. And you know what? I discovered countless things about my husband that were worthy of my respect and trust.
I also realized my doubts were unfair and my fears were unfounded. My husband didn’t want me to become a doormat. He wanted my input but he also needed my trust and encouragement. He needed me to believe in him as a man and offer my support verbally, emotionally and spiritually.
I’ve found the confidence to follow my husband leadership by trusting God’s lead in J.J.’ decisions. Is it always easy? Nope. There have been job changes I didn’t want him to make; financial investments that seemed too risky and parenting issues that were hard. But, my husband has become the leader of our family. And I’ve become more comfortable and confident following his lead than I ever thought I’d be!
Can I pray for us? Dear Lord, we want to respect our husbands and follow their lead with confident trust in You. Help us measure our thoughts and words carefully and come to You with our concerns and complaints. Make us the biggest cheerleaders in our husband’s lives as we watch and trust You to do Your thing in him. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
What is one thing about your husband for which you are thankful? {his character, his work ethic, his provision, his humor or something he adds to your life, etc}
Renee Swope
www.ReneeSwope.com
Want to win a copy of Renee’s book, A Confident Heart Devotional? I have five signed copies to give away!
About Renee’s NEW Confident Heart Devotional:
Ever feel like you’re not good enough? Does self-doubt sometimes leave you feeling uncertain about your ability to be the woman, wife or mom God’s called you to be? Expanding on her life-changing book, A Confident Heart, with over 100,000 copies in print, Renee Swope has written a 60-day devotional that will encourage, empower and equip you to live confidently in your God-given roles, relationships, and responsibilities! Each devotion ends with a “When I Say…God Says…” statement to match a Bible promise and a prayer to help guide your thoughts and emotions that day. Plus you’ll LOVE an easy-reference chart that includes all sixty ”When I Say…God Says…” statements.
Here are five ways you can enter (3 points for each!):
1. Like Time-Warp Wife on Facebook
2. Like Renee Swope on Facebook
3. Follow Time-Warp Wife on Twitter
4. Follow Renee on Twitter
5. Share this post with some friends – on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, or email.
This will run until Sunday, and I’ll announce the winners here on Monday.
Subscribers, click through to the blog to see the Rafflecopter gadget.
PrairieMomReen says
I have no problem following my husband’s lead because I know that he is accountable to God.
Married since 1986, two teens, and a very complicated but happy life! Praise the Lord!
Mothering From Scratch says
{Kathy} Oh goodness. I get this. We have been raised in a generation by women who were told that in order to be “strong” we couldn’t follow men in our lives. What did we get? A lost generation without solid leadership from men, women who were bitter and resentful and children that didn’t know who the head of the household was. I try very hard to give my husband the room to lead. It’s hard sometimes— ok most of the time. But God has honored my efforts to be a willful follower.
SallyAnn says
I love this post. I know that we are not to ask God to change our husbands but to change our hearts towards our husbands but I am married to a man who is not a believer. I am at a loss as to how I am suppose to follow a man who doesn’t believe and has problems with making decisions. I hope I don’t sound like I am complaining I just would welcome some words of wisdom.
Thanks and have an awesome day.
SallyAnn
Rebecca says
This is a tough one for me also. My parents relationship was also backward. My mom took the lead and my dad sat back and said very little. Please pray for me to find positive things in my husband and to then encourage him to be the leader God wants him to be and that I need him to be.
My husband has a great sense of humor!!
Tammy Jones says
I used to struggle more with this, but I now have peace in the Lord. I know that He is is in final control. There are days I need to remind myself of this however. That is why it is so important to always be in the Word. Thank you for this wonderful message. I think it is something women really struggle with now days. (Esp. with all the media junk showing strong women and weak men.)
Jennifer carter says
I really need to read this. I have a hard time in doing this raised to be independent it’s hard to let go but I know God wants me to
Heather Voyles says
Guilty! I pray God helps me shut my mouth! I would love to have this! Thank you for sharing!
tealady3 says
It took me awhile to let my husband lead and when I let him my life became so much calmer and happy.My husband has the best work ethic and provider,I want for nothing nor do I ask for anything because I don’t have to.
Shannon says
Renee- thank you for your words of encouragement today! Submission has always been an area in my marriage, and probably my walk with the Lord as well, that requires much work and desire on my part. I’m a control-freak, there I said it. I’m not proud of that, but God has used this characteristic to teach me many valuable lessons.
Elissa P says
I love the way my husband love and trust God to lead us and respect my input.
We are our husband’s helpmate and we need to work with God to help us help them–this take daily prayer and giving up of self.
There are times I don’t think he is making the right chooses, but I have to pray and ask God how I may be of help to my husband. God as bless us over these eleven years and I am very grateful.
Peace to you.
Deborah says
There are many things about my husband that I’m thankful about. His work ethic, his love and devotion to our children, his unconditional love for me. But the one I’m most thankful for, is how he always puts God first. No matter what we’re facing, good or bad, he always considers what God would want him to do before anything else. Even when hard decisions have to be made, he makes the one that God leads him to. Whether it’s a decision about our finances, where to live, what to give offering to, what job to take , what to pray or anything else for that matter…I know that he will seek God first to make sure he is walking in His will. I know in my heart of hearts that Aaron will always choose to do things God’s way no matter what. That instills a confidence, comfort and peace within my spirit that outweighs everything I love about him. I know it may sound sappy, but after being with him for 16 years, I can say without a doubt that he is the best gift God ever gave me.
shevrae says
I have had the same struggle. In my case, my father had a substance abuse problem that basically required my Mom to step up and run things. I have some serious trust and control issues which I am learning are common for adult children raised in dysfunctional families. As my work on my own recovery, my husband and I are working to restore this area of our marriage. I am eager to heal our relationship, for our own benefit, but also for the benefit of my four daughters. I don’t want them to struggle with trust the way I have.
Kathi says
I know it’s hard for him at times but I am so thankful that my husband follows God and not the men at his job that go out drinking and partying. Thank you Jesus!!
Darrelyn Kelley says
Being a submissive wife has been on my heart these past few months. I have always thought I needed to be in control of everything. God has laid it on my heart, that I don’t need to be in control of everything. That I am suppose to let my husband lead our family and our marriage. I am blessed to be married to a man for 22 years who respects God and loves Him. I have gradually changed from the wife who had to be in control to the wife who is submissive to her husband. This change has really made an impact on our marriage in such a positive way. I see my husband is a new light and have so much more respect for him. He loves that I am letting him lead our family and our marriage. Letting your husband can be a difficult change at first, but believe me you will be blessed, your husband will be blessed and your marriage will be blessed in so many ways. Thank you Renee, for reaffirming the importance of being a submissive wife.
Skarlet says
I wish I knew what to do in this area of my own life. I follow my husband’s lead all the time. But – he does not lead. He is completely passive about every aspect of life except going to work in the morning and blogging. Outside of that, nothing even happens except if I do it. Or if I occasionally request that he do something.
Can I follow my husband if he is not going anywhere or doing anything?
Melanie Pike says
My husband and I have been struggling with this for a long time. We’ve been married over 34 years, but I’ve been a Christian for just over 10 of those. He rededicated himself to the Lord–and for the first time REALLY gave his heart to God–about 2 years before I believed.
I come from a family where what my dad said was the LAW. I am the youngest of 7 and I was afraid of my dad–not physically, but definitely emotionally. Apparently subconsciously I didn’t want to be like my mom and be a coward to my husband (of course, when he wasn’t around, she was a very strong disciplinarian and also ruled by “Wait until your father gets home”), so I was in control except over myself.
What it amounts to is that, despite being an elder in our church and head of Men’s MInistry AND about-to-become associate pastor (only the second paid position in our relatively-small church), my husband has not taken over the spiritual headship of our house. I ask for prayers for us because I am very much a want-to-be-in-the-background type of person, but our pastor insists that I finally join the weekly Tuesday night Bible study at church and put myself “out there” because we are to be a “pastoral couple”. It’s very hard for me, although I support my husband and know this is what he wants and has desired for several years now. (I am the church secretary and do the bulletin, e-mails, Facebook page, run the library, etc.) I want to see him step up at home, too…
Laura says
I totally get this blog, and agree with it. My struggle is that my husband isn’t a good leader. He also doesn’t try to live for God. One example is that he’s made alot of bad financial decisions in the last 5 years (that cost us upwards of $30,000) to the point that I now deal with our finances. I just don’t think I can put all my trust in him leading his family in what is the best for us. When he’s made decisions for us in the past, they have hurt us very badly. His decisions are selfish at heart. How am I supposed to follow him when he doesn’t make decisions with the aim of the best intent for the family?
Mrs G says
I thought I had problems, till I read some of these women’s stories.
I am glad my husband gets up and goes to work in the morning…even works a second job.
There’s another book I’m reading that says to think positive thoughts about your mate, when a negative thought (or thoughts) come to mind. It helps to do this, and it takes a conscious effort. Like you said – look for the good, and commit the rest to God’s care. Please give Your love to us, Lord, when we seem to have run out…I forgive him by an act of my will. I release the hurts and pain to You. Because of Christ, Amen.
Cheryl says
His love for me blesses me.
Thank you for your article.
Kim N. says
I really struggle with this. My husband shows no fruit as a Christian and I know this doesn’t matter in my need to submit. But what do I do when he makes very unwise and sometimes disastrous financial decisions that could get us sinking in debt and has. We’ve already had to declare bankruptcy once and it looks like it’s going there again? Help?
yvonne williams says
Guilty, guilty! Praying for forgiveness and self control in shutting my mouth. Reading Gods word of direction.
Trish H. says
I struggle with this I’m 67 yrs old my husband 2 yrs. older we are both in our 2nd marriage. my 1st was for 39 yrs to a non Christian. but a good man and loved his fanilly. my new husband a Godly man, wonderful, loves God, faithful, and much more. first 2 yrs. thought we had a near perfect marriage so much love and passion. I thought there must be a fault somewhere. I found he had an anger, rejection, problem, like me. Ineed affection, hugs, he needs to be left alone more bow. Ineed to focus on all his good points more. big problem is that we are from diferent countries.. he has residency of mine and I havn’t got residency of his yet. [finances] I know he wants me to live in his country this is a big thing for me, but I knw god will guide him to what he wants for us. thank you.
Jessica Lee says
Renee,
I don’t know how to thank you for this post. I want SO desperately to be the woman God called me to be, in ALL ways. I do not always give my husband the encouragement he needs, & I am inclined to try to take the lead when he doesn’t handle a situation the way that I would. Thank you for showing me that this is MY issue. God never asked me to change my Matt. I need to be more obedient, & let God be God. I wish I knew more about what God expects of me as a wife… do you know of any scripturally sound resources?
I adore my husband’s sense of humor, his commitment to me, & his willingness to be by my side as I try so desperately to follow Jesus to being a mature woman of God. I am blessed.
Greta says
I believe when our marriage really took off (we have been married for 28 1/2 years) is when I stopped praying that God would make my husband a better leader, decision maker etc, and started praying for God to help me be the wife that my husband truly needs. That I would listen and respect him in the ways that would build him up. That I would watch my tongue and stand by him concerning decisions he made regarding our children even when it went against every nurturing bone in my body (I am often too soft with them). Often times we as wives focus on what we wish our husbands were like and we don’t see the importance of being the wife our husbands truly need. We can’t change our husbands but we can, with God’s help, change ourselves to be the best wives we can be for our husbands. And the results are astonishing. When my husband realized how much I truly respect him; how much I truly trust him, he began to change as well. It does take time bit it is very much worth it.